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Page 20 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Nineteen

Holden

A fter spending the last two days with Julian and Wren, I’m dreading going back to work. I can hear the two of them talking from my spot in front of Julian’s bathroom mirror. I smile to myself as I apply my liner. The only silver lining is that Julian is bringing Wren in today to talk to the doctor, so I’ll get to see them. But it still sucks. My four days off went by entirely too fast. And per our agreement, I’m going home tonight after my shift. I probably could ask Julian to stay, and he’d let me, but I don’t want to push it. I know he said he has feelings for me, and God knows I have feelings for him, but I’m not going to push it or give him any reason to not want to be with me.

I finish my eyeliner and step into the bedroom to find Wren jumping off the bed into Julian’s arms. She’s lit up like the sun, and they’ve clearly done this a few times, but it’s making me a nervous fucking wreck, so I have to turn around. I have no desire to tell him how to parent his child, but I’ve seen too many kids come into the ER with injuries from stuff exactly like this.

“I’m about to head out,” I say, interrupting their fun.

Wren jumps one more time, with Julian easily catching her, before he turns to me with a grin. “Okay. Can I walk you out?”

I nod, completely overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings for him and Wren both. I’m trying extremely hard not to let it show, but something about Julian makes it really hard to keep my mask up for too long. I’ve never had that issue before with anyone. I’ve always been so good at hiding how I feel, but it’s like when he’s staring into my eyes he’s looking right into my soul, peeking at all the parts I’d like to keep hidden. Or at least the parts I rarely show to people. It’s terrifying and yet also the most calming thing I’ve ever experienced.

Julian shifts Wren until she’s on his hip and takes my hand, leading me out of the bedroom and through the front door. After leaning in to give me a soft kiss, Wren takes her turn—smacking a wet kiss on my cheek that has both her and me giggling. “Have a good day, pretty girl,” I tell her. “I’ll see you later on, okay?”

She gives me a bright smile and a frantic nod, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Have a good day, darlin’. We’ll see you soon. I’m going to get her ready, and we’ll head in,” Julian says, before dropping another kiss on my lips. It really doesn’t matter if they’re long-drawn-out sleepy morning kisses, or late night heated kisses that have us rutting against each in our lust, or soft domestic kisses like this one—they all blow my mind and wreck my world. Every single time.

Wren reaches for me, so I take her from Julian, and she snuggles into me, tucking her face into my neck. “Love you, Holden,” she whispers against my skin. My arms tighten around her instinctively as Julian’s eyes collide with mine and all the air leaves my lungs in a rush. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit .

“I love you too, pretty girl,” I choke out in a voice that sounds nothing like my own. Before I can even blink, I’m being pulled into Julian’s arms, his body wrapping protectively around us, pinning Wren between us. He lets out a shaky breath that I would have missed if he wasn’t so close. Kids are so pure. So fucking innocent, and this pure, innocent baby just knocked my entire world off its axis. Julian holds us in his arms until Wren gets squirmy, unhappy with being trapped, clearly not understanding the magnitude of what she just said.

Julian’s eyes are glassy when he pulls away, and stark fear shoots through my body as he clears his throat and takes a step back. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry? I love her too, and I won’t— can’t— take it back? Please don’t hate me? No words come, but it doesn’t matter because Julian’s lips tip up in a smile, and then he’s leaning in, stealing my breath with a soft, slow kiss that makes my heart pound and butterflies erupt in my stomach. We must have kissed a hundred times by now, and I don’t know if it’s what just happened or something else, but there’s a deeper level of emotion under it this time, making it feel brand new. Like the first time.

I’m a little dazed when he pulls away—my palms sweaty and my heart still fluttering like crazy. His voice is rough when he speaks. “Come on, baby girl. Come back to Daddy. We’ll see Holden soon, okay?”

She hesitates for a second, but reaches for him. I feel a little off-kilter when he takes her—an emptiness in my heart and my arms that I didn’t know it was possible for me to feel. I clear my throat. “I’ll see you two soon.”

Julian nods, but doesn’t speak directly to me. I try not to let that bother me or make me worry, but I can feel a little niggle of uncertainty form in my stomach. Julian turns, heading into the house, and I stare after them for a minute before ducking into my car and heading to the hospital.

It’s slow. And while ordinarily, I’d like that, today is not the day for it. Mostly because it’s been over two hours since I got here and there’s been no sign of Julian and Wren. I’m sitting at the nurses’ station, my eyes glued to the elevator doors, waiting for them to come through it. Hoping that they will. No dice.

I pull my phone out to check for the tenth time if I have any messages from him. Nothing. So I text him again, for the third time. I don’t want to be overbearing, but at the same time, what if something happened? What if they got in a wreck?

Hey. Checking in again. Sorry to keep bothering you. Just worried.

I stare at my phone, willing it to go off, but it doesn’t. The elevator opens, and I sit up, but it’s not them. Hell, it’s not even a patient, but another nurse. I need something to do, or I’m going to lose my mind. Truly. I stand up and start organizing the desk in front of me, not that it really needs it, but I need something to keep my hands busy. I wish I had Ruby’s phone number so I could call her and see if she’s heard from Julian, but I don’t.

I don’t see how Roman and Beck handle this level of worry. I thought I was worried about Roman when he cut his hand and had to get stitches. I was a hot mess, worried out of my mind, but it has nothing on this. I glance at my phone again. Ugh. Still nothing. Every few seconds, I dart my eyes back to it, willing it to go off. It doesn’t.

I pick it back up and open my texts with Ro.

I think I messed up.

His response, unlike Julian’s, is immediate.

I doubt it, but what happened?

Wren told me she loved me this morning, and I told her I loved her too. I do, Ro. I wouldn’t lie about that.

I know that, Hold. So how did you mess up?

I don’t quite know, only that Julian didn’t speak to me after, and he was supposed to be coming in this morning and he’s not here.

Hmm, do you want me to swing by and check on him?

I can’t ask him to do that, can I? Beck’s off work today, and they already don’t get enough time together. I don’t want to take away their precious time together, but I really am worried. Before I can spiral further, my phone vibrates and I jerk my eyes to it, hopeful that it’s Julian. Ugh.

I really don’t mind, Hold. Just let me know .

I stare at his message, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Fuck.

Yes, please.

No problem. I’ll let you know. But for what it’s worth, I doubt you messed up. I know what love looks like, Hold. And that man loves you, and if he doesn’t yet, he’s RIGHT THERE.

His message should make me smile, but it doesn’t. It does nothing but make my heart sink farther because what if he did love me or was close to it and I crossed the line today? But really, what was I supposed to do? Not tell her I loved her back? That wouldn’t have been fair. For one, I do love her. And for two, you don’t ignore a three-year-old when they say something like that. Period.

Thanks, Ro. Talk soon.

I slip my phone back in my pocket and round the nurses’ station. There are countless things I could be doing, and I can’t sit around and wait like this. It’s going to make me crazy. I’ve never done well with idle hands, and I’m especially not doing well with it right now.

I go room to room, making sure everything is stocked—filling up all the supplies in each, then I restock all the crash carts. I’m in the middle of sanitizing the already sanitized monitors when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I scramble to grab it with shaky hands.

He’s not home. So maybe he’s on the way to you. Probably got caught up.

If that’s the case, then he should be here within about twenty minutes or so, so I finish up my task, keeping an eye on the clock. The second I’m done, I head up front to wait. Minutes tick by and he doesn’t show. My heart beats an unsteady rhythm, my nerves getting the best of me. Did I really mess up that badly?

I’m four hours into my shift when the elevator door dings and my entire world steps into the pediatric unit. I’m on my feet in a millisecond, crossing the room to go to them. “What’s wrong?” I ask, noticing as I approach that Julian’s eyes are red and puffy, like he’s been crying.

He shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything, and my stomach plummets right to my feet. “You’re scaring me. Please talk to me,” I whisper, my voice raw with emotion.

He reaches out a hand and cups my cheek. “I’m okay, Hold,” he murmurs. Then he seems to catch himself. “Is it okay if I call you that?”

I smirk, even though my insides are a mess of anxiety and stress. “I much prefer darlin’, but Hold works too.”

He nods, so I press on, trying to gain some balance within and keep myself from falling apart. “If you call me CT, though, we’re going to have real problems.”

His lips quirk up in a smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and a new wave of panic washes over me. I shove it down. “Okay, let’s get you two in a room, and I’ll call the doctor to let them know you’re here.” I have to swallow hard a couple of times after I get the words out. Just do your job, Hold . He’s not the man you’re falling in love with right now. He’s just the father of a patient. Do your job. It’s all good. Ha. That’s laughable, but you know what they say? Fake it until you make it.

I drop to my knees and smile at Wren, who grins back at me. “Hey, pretty girl,” I say, and she wraps her tiny arms around my neck for a hug. I can feel Julian’s eyes on us, but he still says nothing. Fuck me. This is so bad. Professional mode, Hold. You can deal with the fallout later. Right now, you have a patient to take care of. I stand and turn to Julian, pasting a professional smile on my face. Julian winces at my expression, and I almost falter—almost lose my composure, but I don’t. “Okay, guys, follow me.”

I turn around and lead them into the room. This particular room has a small TV, which is why I chose it. I hand Julian the remote, carefully avoiding touching him because I know if I do, I’m going to break down and beg him to talk to me, and I’ll be damned if I beg for anything from anyone. Fuck. That. “Feel free to turn on anything she wants to watch. The doctor will be in soon. Hit the button here,” I say, walking around the bed to show him the call button, “if you need anything.”

I’m almost to the door—so close. I have to get out of here. The second the door is closed behind me, I slump against it, forcing deep breaths into my lungs. I only give myself a couple of seconds. If I give in, I’ll fall apart. I can’t afford to do that. I have to keep it together. I have a job to do. Besides, I’m going home tonight. Maybe Ro and Beck will let me sleep with them. I haven’t slept in the same bed with Ro since he had a nightmare before they got back together, but surely, they’d let me if I needed to be consoled from having my heart broken. Maybe Julian isn’t happy that Wren loves me, or that I love her. He told me he trusts me with her, but maybe loving her is too much. Why is this so fucking hard?

I remove myself from the door and head back to the nurses’ station to put a call in to Dr. Mays. He answers, thankfully. But I almost wish he hadn’t.

“I want a bone marrow biopsy done today,” he says, condescending tone in fine form. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me.

“Absolutely. What’s your timeline?” I ask, infusing fake cheerfulness into my voice.

This is going to destroy Julian.

“I’ll be up there in less than twenty if you want to get consent forms signed and all the information explained.”

I really don’t want to do that at all. I don’t want to be the person who tells Julian that our next step is finding out if his daughter has leukemia. But I don’t get to make that choice. It’s my job to be objective, but fuck, that’s so hard when I love the patient in question so much it feels like my heart is not a part of me, but walking around tucked in her tiny hands instead.

“Holden? Is that going to be a problem?” Dr. Mays’ shitty voice comes across the line, pulling me back to myself.

“No. I’ll head in now and get them prepared.”

I hang up the phone and take a few minutes to get myself under control. I sit down, cradling my face in my hands, trying to breathe through the panic that’s rising in my chest. A small part of me is convinced I can’t do this, that I need to page Lydia and have her come take care of this for me. She would. No questions. But I can’t do that. She’s my patient. My Wren. I’m not her parent, and I may never get the privilege of helping Julian on that journey, but I am her nurse. And this is my job. I’ve had harder cases. This is nothing new. I’ve had to make awful diagnoses. I’ve watched life leave people’s eyes as I use all my strength to do compressions. I can handle this.

I take a steadying breath and fire up the computer in front of me, getting the consent forms printed off. My hands are shaking so badly I can barely use the mouse, but after a few minutes I manage to get what I need printed.

I grab the papers off the printer, flipping through them to double-check all the details before I take them to Julian. I already did this, twice, actually. But I need the few extra minutes to get myself together. I walk slowly to the room, pausing only long enough to inhale a deep breath and fix my face, and then I’m pushing open the door to potentially ruin the life of the man I love.

Page 20 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

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