Page 39 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Julian

I feel so fucked up. This is so fucked up.

Roman and Beck are arguing about their nails, meanwhile, I can’t even remember Wren painting mine. But, they’re bright pink, halfway covering my fingers too, so it’s obvious she did. Why can’t I remember? My heart starts pounding, the familiar panic that’s winding itself around my chest making it difficult to breathe.

Before I can spiral too far, Roman leans over. Just a bit. He rests his arm against mine. He doesn’t look at me or talk to me. He doesn’t even stop his sentence. It feels deliberate, though. His touch. And that single touch drags me back from the edge and my heart starts to calm.

I lean back into him a bit, allowing myself to draw comfort from the warmth of his arm where it’s resting on mine.

The couch dips beside me, and I turn my head to see Holden holding out a glass of water. “Here you go.”

For now, there are no tears, and I’m scared to talk for fear of inviting them back in, so I simply nod and take the glass from him. I’m thirsty, so thirsty. I didn’t realize how thirsty until the cool water washed over my tongue. So I tip it back, swallowing it in large gulps. It feels so good on my dry tongue that I feel tears burning my eyes.

Holden taps my leg. “Slow, okay?”

I nod, forcing myself to pull the cup from my lips and take small sips instead. It’s probably for the best since my stomach is empty and even the small amount of water I’ve had is making it feel a little sick.

Holden clears his throat. “So, what do you know about paradoxical reactions to medications?”

Beck hums thoughtfully. I’m trying hard to focus on what he’s saying, but I think I’m floating in and out because I only hear, “Why do you ask?”

Holden squeezes my leg, and I force my eyes to him. He tilts his head, a questioning look in his eyes. I think he’s worried about my reaction to Beck knowing. I couldn’t give a shit less, as long as someone can help me stop feeling this way. I look at Beck. “I think I’m having one to Xanax.”

Beck’s face softens. “Can you describe your symptoms for me?”

I almost laugh at that. How the fuck am I supposed to sum up the all-consuming dread coursing through my veins? I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I feel like someone scooped out all the things that make me who I am and replaced them with the deepest well of sadness I’ve ever felt in my life. I clear my throat, hoping that I don’t start crying again the second I open my mouth. “You, uh… you know Wren’s mom died, right?”

Beck nods.

I swallow hard. “I feel about like I did at her funeral.”

Genuine sadness flashes in Beck’s eyes before he manages to school his reaction and slip back into detached, professional mode. “How long has it been since your last dose?”

I glance at Holden. I don’t even know what fucking time it is, let alone when my last dose was. Holden looks at his phone. “It’s been about twenty-one hours.”

“That’s good news,” Beck says.

“How?” I ask. Do I sound weak and tired to anyone else?

Roman presses harder into me, his weight grounding me. Holden gives my leg another gentle squeeze. Guess so. Beck smiles at me. “Well, Xanax has a relatively short half-life, so ideally, you’ll start feeling better within the next couple of hours. If you don’t, we’ll make a trip to the hospital, okay?” His voice is gentle and compassionate. Are all three of them just perfect fucking men? “But Julian, no more, okay? Don’t take any more. We’ll get you something else if needed.”

Holden wiggles his way into my arms as I let the relief of Beck’s words wash over me. Holden’s head rests against my chest, his leg tossed between mine. I have no idea how he’s comfortable, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to ask him to move. Not when his body is grounding me.

“I’m sorry you all have to deal with this,” I murmur, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Roman presses in closer, moving his leg until it’s resting against mine. “None of that. We all have our stuff. Yours doesn’t make you less,” he says softly.

Beck stands. “Wren, you wanna cuddle up with me and watch a movie?”

She looks at him with bright eyes, then nods.

He gets the TV set up, turning on Frozen. I hate this damn movie, but when the familiar soundtrack starts, I feel even more relaxed. And within minutes, Beck is scooping Wren up, settling her in his lap. He sits on the floor in front of me and, to my absolute shock, leans back until he’s resting against my leg.

Holden’s sprawled across me, Roman is leaning into my side, and Beck is resting against my leg with Wren giggling and singing in his lap. For the first time all day, I feel like things might be okay.

Fingers brush my cheeks, my eyelids, and the hair lying across my forehead. “Julian?” A smile tilts my lips. Holden. My Holden. I pry my eyes open. “Hi.”

I grin. “Hi.”

He giggles. Fuck, I love that sound. “I’m so happy to see that smile on your face.” I’m so happy to have a smile on my face, so that’s fair. “How are you feeling? You fell asleep watching Frozen. You’ve slept basically all day. Ro and Beck just left, and I got Wren to bed. Beck said I should let you sleep, that it would be good for you, but it’s almost ten, and now I’m worried because you haven’t eaten all day. Besides, what does he know? He’s not even a real doctor. Anyway, I’m worried, so please, please let me feed you.”

I wrap my arms around him and pull him toward me, crushing him in my embrace. He huffs, but snuggles deeper, and I swear to God, he feels so good in my arms I could sob. I’ve had about enough of that, though, so I won’t.

My stomach growls loudly, and Holden pulls back quickly, an adorable glare on his face. “ Let him sleep. Don’t wake him up. Fucking not a doctor asshole. Wants to let you starve to death.”

I watch him with a new lightness. He stayed for me. He didn’t run. I grab his face with both hands, rougher than I normally would, and pull him into a lingering kiss. He melts against me, his hands coming up to grip my shirt. I smile against his lips. It’s been a while since he’s done that. When I let him pull back, he clears his throat. “Do you feel better?”

“I think so, yes. I guess time will tell.” I pat my stomach. “You do know not eating for a day isn’t going to make me starve, right?”

“Yes, I know. But I was still worried, okay? So please let me feed you. I made tacos for dinner. Did you know your child puts food away like a grown man? She ate more than me.”

He’s rambling. It’s adorable. “Were you too quiet today, darlin’? All your words gotta come out at once?”

His cheeks flush. “No. I just… I missed you. It’s been hard watching you struggle.”

I nod. “Yeah, it’s been pretty hard struggling.”

His face falls. “Fuck, I’m sorry. That was—” I cut him off with my lips. Although, maybe I shouldn’t. Have I even brushed my teeth? To be fair, I’ve already kissed him once. At any rate, Holden doesn’t seem to mind. He crawls into my lap and moans into my mouth, kissing me with an urgency I’ve never felt from him before. I cup his face with one hand and grip his waist with the other, pulling him in closer to me. He groans, but it turns into a laugh when my stomach growls again. He really forgot about feeding me quickly.

He pulls back with a sheepish smile. “Let me make you some dinner.”

I shake my head. “I can make it myself, but how about you come keep me company and tell me about what you all did today while I slept the day away?”

With a nod, he climbs off my lap. I stand up after him, getting a little dizzy. Yeah, I really need to eat. We head into the kitchen together. Holden reaches into the cabinet to pull down a plate. “Have you not eaten?” I ask.

“No, I have.”

Little shit. I just told him I’d make my own food. I grab him around the waist, smiling at the surprised squeal he lets out, and set him on the countertop next to the stove. “There.” I pluck the plate from his hands. “You just sit there and look pretty for me, darlin’.”

He shoots me an affronted look, but then he’s giggling. “What am I? A damn lawn ornament?”

“Nope. You are the gorgeous love of my life. I barely remember seeing that face of yours, so I’m gonna need some time to look my fill, if that’s alright with you.”

The smile slides right off his face. “Not sure that I’m ready to joke about it, Jules.” He clears his throat, then worried emerald pools meet mine. “Are you sure you remember having sex?”

“Yes.” It’s one moment that I remember with clarity. How full I felt, how complete, how safe and loved. God, I needed that connection so badly.

His shoulders slump. “Thank God.”

“Were you worried I forgot about how amazing sex is with you, darlin’?” I tease.

He shakes his head. “No. I was worried that I took advantage of you.”

Oh my. I drop the plate to the stove top and wrap my arms around him. “No, Holden. You didn’t take advantage of me at all. I asked for it. I vividly remember asking for it.”

Holden sniffles. “Yeah, I’ve asked for it too and still didn’t want it.”

My sweet darlin’. “Oh, Hold. No. I’ve already told you, nothing we share could be like that. I always, always want you. I was drowning last night. I didn’t quite understand why, but I knew I needed you. Needed that connection, and you gave it to me. You always give me what I need.”

He pushes his face into my chest. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

I hold him for a few more minutes, until my stomach interrupts us once again. He pushes me away, a glare already etched on his beautiful face. “You need to eat something.”

Making a show of picking up my plate, I start assembling tacos. They smell so good that my mouth is already watering. I don’t even bother warming them up, instead choosing to eat them standing right by the stove.

“I’m just glad you didn’t burn the tacos,” I say, taking a huge bite.

Holden gasps. “You said you didn’t remember that!”

I laugh. Fuck, it feels so good to laugh. “I didn’t. And I still don’t. I remember you telling me about it, though.”

He grumbles something under his breath that I don’t quite catch, but I laugh anyway. I finish eating my tacos, staring at him the whole time. It’s not creepy. He’s just so pretty and I love him so much and I want to stare at his face forever.

I drop my plate back into the sink and sigh. “Come on darlin’. You wouldn’t think I’d be tired, but I’m so damn tired. I want you all sprawled out across me in bed while we talk about how quickly we can get your stuff here.”

Before he has a chance to protest, I sweep him off the counter and into my arms, taking off toward our bedroom. He looks up at me with a smile on his face. “Don’t you want to check on Wren first?”

He’s got a point. “Switching directions.” I turn, but stumble as my legs almost give out on me. Well, that’s not normal.

He pats my chest. “Put me down. I can walk, you know. You’re exhausted. And probably still dehydrated. You can resume your normal carrying me around shit tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, I set him down, following him toward Wren’s bedroom.

He pushes the door open and I peek in at her. “She went down pretty easily,” he says. “Both tonight and last night. Last night, I sang to her. But tonight she was so exhausted from playing with Beck and Ro that she was out damn near the second I got her under the blankets.”

I cross the room and take in her sweet little face. Her braids look adorable. I can manage her curls just fine, but I never could get my fat fingers to do anything close to what Holden’s done. “Her hair looks beautiful. You did a great job with it.” I smile when he thanks me, then I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Daddy loves you, sweet girl. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I usher Holden out of the room and toward ours. I’m so fucking ready to have him all Velcroed to me. When I climb into bed, he climbs in right after me. I smile to myself as he crawls up my body like always, settling his head in the crook of my neck. “Do you still want to move in with me, or did I manage to scare you off?”

He laughs. “No. You didn’t scare me off. Scared me, sure, but not off. Once I figured out what was going on, I felt a lot better.”

I place a hand on his lower back and let the fingers of the other play idly with his hair. “Thank you for being here for me. And for Wren. I know I’ve already said that. She’ll be lucky to have a parent like you in her life. Someone who doesn’t ever hesitate to jump in and take care of things. You’re so good for both of us.”

He’s quiet for a while, but eventually, he lets out a happy sound and rests his hand on my collarbone. “I think I’m the lucky one.”

I think we’re both pretty fucking lucky, to be honest. Closing my eyes, I breathe in his scent. It’s… wrong somehow. “Hey, darlin’?”

“Yeah?”

I take another deep breath. “You don’t smell like you.”

He giggles. “What do you mean?”

“You smell different. Floral.”

“Wren’s bubble bath,” he says with a small laugh.

Well, that makes sense. I hum. Hopefully that smell doesn’t linger. I should have just thrown that bottle away when I realized how bad it smelled.

Holden nuzzles into my throat, his warm nose brushing against my skin. “I told Ro and Beck that I’m moving in with you today while you were napping.”

“How did they take it?” I ask. I think they like me, but I also know that they are both really protective of Holden.

He presses his lips to my pulse point before brushing them back and forth. “They were fine with it. Happy for me. They love you and Wren.”

That makes me smile. I really like them too. “They’re great people.”

Holden hums. “Yeah, they are.”

I don’t really know what else to say, and my body is starting to grow heavy. Everything feels all warm and cozy and even though Holden’s scent isn’t right, he still feels so damn good in my arms. “I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too.”