Page 32 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty-One

Holden

J ulian and Wren went home this morning. Which isn’t my favorite, but I had to work, and I didn’t want them to have to sit around feeling uncomfortable all day. Besides, I’m dying to talk to Roman and I don’t really want to do that with an audience. It’s awkward enough talking about sex with Ro, but adding Beck to the mix? Pass.

Lucky for me, Beck got hung up at work, and thankfully I drove myself, so I have some time. Roman is working in his office today. He’s all very fancy and official with his home office and it kinda cracks me up. We’ve really come so far from where we started.

I knock on the door and he yells for me to come in almost immediately.

I push the door open and step inside. “Hey, Ro.”

He looks up and smiles at me. “Hey, Hold.”

I nibble on my bottom lip. “Can we talk for a minute?”

Concern shows on his face, but he nods, gesturing to the chair he has sitting in the corner. Turns out, starting your own non-profit is a total time suck, and sometimes Beck sits in here with Roman at night when he’s working. I don’t think they even talk. They just sit there together while Ro works. Beck sometimes reads. I’ve also caught him laughing at videos on his phone, though.

“What’s up, Hold?”

“I need to talk to you about sex.” In hindsight, I could have waited until after he put his cup of water to his lips.

There’s a half a second pause, and then he’s spraying water from his mouth. It splatters across his desk and dribbles down his chin as he sputters and coughs. “I’m sorry. What ?”

His reaction has me cackling. He looks around his soaked desk with wide eyes, and then he’s laughing too. We laugh until my stomach is cramping. “Jesus,” I finally get out once I’ve gotten myself under control. “Let me go get you a paper towel.”

He waves his hand around. “It’s fine. It can wait. Continue.” He chuckles again and then adds. “I’ll just not drink any more.”

I grin. “I know this is probably strange. I promise I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.”

“Okay, before we go any further, are we gonna have to kick Julian’s ass? I don’t think I could take him alone. Beck would have to help. Although, I guess he’s making quite a name for himself these days.”

He finishes his sentence with a laugh that has me laughing too. “No. Nothing like that. He, um, he won’t top me until I talk to someone I trust. I also have to think about it this week.”

He arches an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘you have to think about it?’ Like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions? That’s fucked up, Holden. Maybe I’m going to have to kick his ass anyway.”

He’s working up a head full of steam. It’s rare to see Roman get mad about anything, but he’s definitely starting to get mad. “No, Ro. It’s not like that. He wants me to make sure it’s really want I want before we try it.”

He looks confused, which is understandable, I guess, since I haven’t exactly been open about things. I sigh. “Motel Guy was the last person I let top me. Two nights before you saved me.”

Ro makes a strange, angry growl. “You didn’t let him, Holden. That was rape.”

I nod slowly. “I know… It took me a long time to fully come to terms with that. Honestly, I don’t think I did until I met Julian.”

“Okay, so. Wait a second. You haven’t had penetrative sex… at all?”

“Well, I have. But only once.”

His nose scrunches. “I’m confused.”

I shrug. “Julian let me top him.” His jaw drops open, which is kinda hilarious and a little offensive. “What? Because I’m a little chaos twink, I can’t top someone?”

“No. Of course not. I’m not saying that at all.” He closes one eye, a contemplative look on his face.

I stare at him, trying to figure out his malfunction when realization dawns. “Stop trying to picture us in bed, Roman!”

He lets out a loud laugh. “I can’t help it. You’re so much smaller than him. I’m just trying to work out the mechanics.”

Heat floods my cheeks. Ugh. He’s making this so much more embarrassing than it needs to be. I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re making this even weirder for me than it already is.”

He sobers, sitting up straight. “I’m sorry, Hold.”

“It’s okay. But there’s no way I can have this conversation with you if you’re sitting there trying to picture the mechanics of my sex life. I hear plenty of yours and Beck’s, and I’m not over here trying to picture it.”

His face goes red so quickly that I’m surprised he doesn’t pass out. “You can hear us?”

I cock my head at him, looking at him like he’s a dumbass. “We share a bedroom wall, Ro. Be serious.”

He shakes his head, letting out an embarrassed chuckle. “Well, regardless of the position. Kudos.” He holds out his fist, and I stare at him in confusion for a second before I figure out what he wants.

I roll my eyes. “You fucking idiot.” I mean, I reach out and give him a fist bump, anyway, though. Because yeah, it is kind of badass. Plus, I made Julian come hands-free, which was really hot. Score for the chaos twink.

He sits back again. “Okay, so I need you to spell this out for me.”

I nod, toying with the hem of my shirt. “I’ve been too scared to let anyone, um… touch me like that.”

He nods, a look of understanding on his face. “That makes sense, Hold. And now you’re ready to trust someone?”

“I want to try. But Julian is scared I want it for the wrong reasons.”

He cocks his head. “Do you?”

I shrug. “I don’t think so. I mean, sure, I probably could have done a better job of asking him for it. Turns out ‘please wipe his touch away’ doesn’t really inspire confidence in my motivations.”

Roman sighs. “Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with Julian there. Dammit, I have so much respect for that man. You picked a good one.”

Yeah, I really did. God, he’s so amazing. I grin. “Yeah, he’s pretty great. He was my first kiss.”

“What?” Roman’s voice is no more than a whisper.

“You were right, by the way. I’m glad I waited.” Roman’s looking at me like he’s a little shell-shocked. “Anyway, that’s not why I’m here having this awful, uncomfortable conversation. I want to ask questions. Can I do that?”

Roman nods. “Of course, Holden. I can’t promise it won’t be awkward as hell. I mean, Beck’s the only person I’ve ever been with, so I’m not sure how much I can help, but I’ll do my best.”

I take a deep breath. “I guess I should probably ask if you ever bottom first. Unlike some people,” I pause, giving him a glare, “I don’t want to assume.”

He laughs. “Yeah, Beck and I are vers. When we were teens, though, I exclusively bottomed.”

I nod. Okay, even better, honestly, because he can look at it from both sides. “Does it hurt?”

Sadness flashes in his eyes. “It shouldn’t. If there’s adequate prep and you take your time. Did it hurt Julian?”

I let myself picture the way Julian looked spread out below me. The way his face looked, how his body shook and the sounds he made. I smirk. “It definitely didn’t seem like it.” I sober quickly, though. “What if I hate it?”

He gives me a confused look. “Then you don’t do it anymore.”

I mean, that’s basically what Julian said too. He says it’s not a dealbreaker. I’m sure he means it. He hasn’t lied to me, and he’s always been so gentle with me. I don’t see him changing his mind about it or taking advantage. “Can I ask another question?”

He nods. “Anything.”

This is so damn awkward. “Do you, um… do you like being rimmed?”

His eyebrows shoot to his hairline and his mouth drops open. But then he’s laughing. Not like he’s making fun of me, more like all his anxious, embarrassed energy has nowhere else to go. “How am I just now realizing we’ve never really talked about sex?”

“I mean, that was deliberate from my side. And let’s be real. You weren’t having any, so when would we have had the opportunity?”

He narrows his eyes at me. “You’re a little shit, Hold. Anyway, back to the question.” He clears his throat a couple of times. “It’s, uh… well…”

“Jesus Christ, Ro. It’s a yes or no question.”

He looks at his lap, murmuring, “I can’t believe this is my life right now.”

I scoff. “Well, it is your life right now. So if you would be so kind as to answer the question, so I can leave.”

He nods, still looking at his lap. “Yeah, Hold. I like it.”

I can see the tips of his ears turning red from where I’m sitting. At least he’s as embarrassed by this whole thing as I am. Misery and company and all that. “Okay. Good. He wants me to try stuff like that first. Before he’ll, um, before he’ll top me.”

Roman raises his head and his eyes find mine. “Yeah, that’s smart.”

I slap my hands on my thighs before gesturing toward the door with my thumb. “Okay. Well, I’m just gonna… go. And pretend we never had this talk.”

“Works for me,” he says with a chuckle.

I stand to leave, but when I get to the door, I realize I’m missing a vital piece of information. “Hey, what date did you guys choose?”

He looks at me in confusion before understanding flashes over his face. “Valentine’s Day in two years. Which, I know, is a little cheesy, but hey.”

I smile. “No, I think that’s great. But why so long?”

Ro shrugs. “Well, for one, the center is a time and energy drain. It will take time to get it stabilized. And two. We’re just not in a rush.”

“That makes sense, Ro. I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Thanks, Hold. Maybe you’ll be next, huh?”

He says it in a teasing, light way, but it still makes my heart pound furiously. Fuck, I hope so.

“Think about it, Holden,” Julian says. Well, jokes on me because I can’t stop thinking about it. It has my dick all kinds of confused since I had my talk with Roman two days ago. My painful, embarrassing, awful talk with Ro. Although, I am seeing why Julian wanted me to think hard on it. Because as much as it gets me hard, at the worst fucking times, it seems it’s just a likely to scare the hell out of me and make me go soft quick as hell.

I climb out of my car and head toward Julian’s front door. Today is the start of three days off work, and I’m ready for it. I haven’t been here in what feels like forever, and I could weep with how much I miss Julian and Wren.

When I texted Julian before I left work, he told me he had just gotten Wren down for bed, so I’m quiet as I walk into the house. Julian looks up from his phone when I walk in. “Hey, darlin’, God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I take off across the room, climbing into his lap to straddle him. He tosses his phone to the side and wraps his arms around me, seeming to inhale me. I sigh, happy and content. “It’s been the longest day.”

He pulls back enough to look at me. “Oh? Bad shift?”

I shake my head. “No. Just long. I missed you a lot and couldn’t wait to get home.”

He leans in and places a soft kiss on my lips. It’s the first time in three days I’ve felt his lips on mine. I try hard to keep it slow and sweet. I really do. But my brain has been filled with sex for three days and now I’m here and he’s under me—all warm and solid and fucking amazing. So I tangle my fingers in his hair and press my body into his, forcing his weight back on the couch. He tightens his grip on my body as I deepen our kiss.

When he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, I gasp, arching against him. He releases my lip and I pull away. “Can we do the thing?”

His eyes widen briefly, but then he chuckles. “You want to?”

I nod, swallowing hard. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it at all. I’m nervous, but I’m also so fucking ready to try something new, to put my trust in Julian. “Can I take a shower first, though?”

“Of course, darlin’. I put the shirt I wore to bed last night on the dresser for you.”

That makes me smile. “Or, I could just not wear anything.”

He runs his fingertips up and down my spine, then gently brushes over the spots that I now know I have fucking back dimples. “Yeah, that could work too, for sure. I would definitely not complain.”

I bet he wouldn’t. “You know, you could be naked, too,” I add with a wink.

He doesn’t say a word. Instead, he stands, lifting me effortlessly as he does. “Shower time.”

As he carries me through the house, I tuck my face into his neck, kissing my way down his throat. He groans when I suck a bruise into his skin and then nip at the spot with my teeth. Honestly, this is so fun for me. Sure, it’s a turn on. But it’s also just fun. Feeling this power? Knowing how much he wants me? But more than that—how much he respects me? Yeah, I like that quite a bit.

He carries me all the way into the bathroom before sliding me slowly down his body until I’m forced to put my feet down to stand. “I’m going to give you some privacy, okay? I’ll be in bed when you’re done.” He gives me another quick kiss, and then walks toward the bedroom, pulling the bathroom door shut behind him.

Well, shit.

I’m not about to waste any time, though. I strip down quickly, mostly ignoring my half-hard dick, and step into the shower. After cleaning myself quickly, I step out and towel off.

I almost swallow my tongue when I open the door and step into the bedroom. Because, honestly? How is it fair for one man to be so hot? Julian is stretched out on his back, fully naked, completely relaxed. I glance down at his cock. Well, not completely relaxed. “That didn’t take you long,” he says, turning to me with a grin.

I shake my head. “No. I was in a hurry.” All my assured, confident posturing from the living room has completely fled my body, and now I’m anxious. Anxious and really turned on by the way Julian’s looking right now. It’s a very strange combination.

He pats the bed beside him. “Come on, darlin’.”

I pad across the floor, my cock coming to life as I step closer and take in his body. I climb in next to him. I want this, but I’m not really sure how to go about it. Seeming to notice my struggle, he chuckles, then reaches out to pull me on top of him. When I’m settled, straddling his stomach, he drops his hands to his sides. “Let’s kiss for a while, yeah?” he suggests, knowing that I always need a few minutes to get into a groove.

I’m getting frustrated with myself that I can’t really just jump into new things. I always need some preamble or buildup, and the easy snarky retort sits heavy on my tongue, but I shove it down. Julian doesn’t hate that I’m like this. He loves me. He knows who I am and what I’ve been through. Well, the broad strokes anyway. Making sure I’m comfortable is something he’s done since day one. Besides, it’s not like either of us thinks kissing is a hardship. I’m pretty sure I could kiss him for the rest of time and never get bored.

“Touch me, please,” I whisper, needing his hands on me, needing him to pull me close.

One hand grips my hip immediately, the other cups the back of my head, and then he’s pulling me down to him and capturing my lips with his own. I can’t help the breathy whimper that escapes at the first touch.

He dips his tongue into my mouth, his fingers tightening in my hair. He kisses me slow and deep until my toes are curling, and my cock is leaking against his stomach. He feeds me a soft moan, thrusting his hips up to drag his dick along my ass cheek. Where before that would have brought panic, now it just ratchets my need for him higher. If we keep this up, I’m going to come. And I really, really want to try something new with him.

I break our kiss. “Okay, how do we do this?”

He groans, his fingers flexing on my hip. “It’s easy, darlin’. Straddle my face and let me take care of you.”

I scramble to do what he says. I feel a little awkward, but not enough to stop. And I’m worried if I slow down, I’ll lose my nerve. I pause when I’m kneeling beside his head. “Um, which way?”

“Whatever way you want.”

I nod. I think if I’m facing the wall, it’s going to make it harder. And even if I can’t see his face, I’m thinking being able to see his body and know it’s him, will make me feel more comfortable. With that in mind, I turn around, then awkwardly lift my leg and place my knee beside his head on the mattress.

“You good?” he asks softly.

I feel very exposed, and strange. But not unsafe or triggered. “Yeah.”

“I’m going to touch you now, okay?”

“Yes, please.”

Just like in my fantasies about this, he brings his arms up and loops them under my thighs, pulling me down closer to him. The first tentative touch of his tongue has me gasping. He stops. “Still good?”

It wasn’t a bad feeling at all. “Yeah, still good.”

“Okay, we can stop anytime. All you have to do is tell me.”

“I know.”

He tugs me down a little further and swipes across my hole with his tongue. A moan escapes me because okay, fuck, that’s actually really kind of amazing.

I’m hyperaware of my weight and try to keep myself braced over him, but he’s having none of that. With his grip, he pulls me down until I’m actually sitting on him and all the hesitancy disappears.

I gasp as his tongue moves in a way I didn’t know was possible, lighting up nerves I didn’t even know existed. He moans against my hole; the vibration sending sparks of pleasure through my body. I brace my hands on his chest, watching as his dick jerks, sticky pre-cum stretching from it to his skin. Oh, he really likes this.

Fuck, I think I really like this too. I don’t even realize it at first, but before I know it, my cock is aching, and I’m grinding my ass back on Julian’s tongue, trying to get more. “More,” I moan. “Fuck.”

His cock jerks again, a dribble of pre-cum streaming from the tip as he tightens his hold on me. I gasp when he dips his tongue inside, my body shaking. “Oh God. This is so good.”

I didn’t know I could feel like this. I sit up straight and reach down to grip my cock. The second I make contact, it’s like everything intensifies. I groan, stroking myself from base to tip as Julian takes me apart. “I think I’m gonna come. Oh fuck. Holy shit.” I can hear the whiny quality of my voice and if my entire body wasn’t tingling from my toes to the tips of my fucking hair, I think it would be embarrassing. As it is, I want to come more than I want to breathe. “Please, please, please .”

Julian’s tongue delves deeper, his moans becoming more desperate the more I writhe on top of him. His hands slide up my thighs, gripping my hips and pulling me down harder against his face. I’m so close, right on the edge, when Julian’s body goes stiff. For a second, I almost panic, but then he’s groaning, his back arching as his cock pulses and thick streams of cum cover his stomach and chest. “ Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I follow him over the edge, my entire body going numb as I come harder than I ever have in my entire life. I stroke myself through it, my body shaking.

With one last shiver and a drawn-out moan, I lift myself up. He releases his hold on me immediately, and I swing my leg back over his head, flopping down beside him to catch my breath. “Holy fuck, that was…”

He lets out a raspy laugh. “Yeah. That was… indeed. Fuck, darlin’. You had me coming on myself like a damn virgin.”

“Oh, I definitely noticed.” I grin at him, taking in his flushed face. “We can do that again, right?”

“We can definitely do that again. So you were okay with it, then?”

“Yeah, so okay with it. So fucking okay with it. Jesus. Amazing. Perfection. No notes.”

Julian chuckles. “Easy there, darlin’. You may give me a big head.”

I lean over to rest my head against his shoulder. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, you’re like so fucking good at that. You should have a big head about it.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. I think it’s clear I did. Let me go get cleaned up, and I’ll be back, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Can you bring me your shirt?”

“Sure thing,” he says with a chuckle as he sits up and climbs from the bed.

Fuck. Yes. I did the big, scary thing. I enjoyed myself. I got off. I didn’t get triggered. This was the best night ever.