Page 18 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Seventeen

Holden

I s this the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me? I think it is. I’ve never trusted anyone to do this with me—to talk me through it. To order me around. Not that Julian’s soft voice is particularly bossy or stern. Honestly, it sounds like he’s begging more than ordering.

I squeeze the head of my cock, trying to do this slowly, so I don’t blow in three seconds and ruin all the fun.

“Fuck, darlin’,” Julian rasps. “You have no idea how fucking sexy you look right now, how much you turn me on.” His voice is a low rumble that settles in my stomach and makes me gasp, my cock jerking. I have to pull my hand away so I don’t come.

After a few seconds, I’m not hanging on the edge anymore, so I grip my cock again, giving myself slow, even strokes. Fuck. My head drops against the headrest as the pleasure works its way through my body.

“What about you?” I gasp out as my balls pull up tight to my body, my legs trembling.

“Oh, I’m doing just fine,” he groans. “I’m not missing out on a single thing. A little faster now, yeah?” he asks.

I pick up the pace, my eyes rolling back and a whine rising in my throat. Ugh, why is this so good? It’s not even sex, and it feels better than anything else I’ve ever done. Well, except for my first time with him. Is this what it feels like when you fully trust someone to not take advantage of you? Do I trust Julian? My cock throbs, sticky pre-cum spilling from the tip and collecting on my hand. All signs point to yes. His name leaves my mouth on a breathy moan, my body practically begging me to let him touch me.

I swallow down the lump of fear in my throat, and turn to him. His eyes are burning, his gaze locked onto me—but not my cock the way I thought it would be. No, he’s watching my face. One of his hands is gripping the steering wheel, and the other the back of his seat. “Fuck, you should see yourself right now,” he whispers.

My stomach tightens in arousal, my breath coming out a little sharp and panting. “Are you trying not to touch me?” I ask, watching the way his hands are flexing, like he’s fighting the urge to let go.

He shakes his head. “No, darlin’. Your boundaries are easy to respect. I’m trying not to touch me. If I do, I’m going to come in my jeans.”

A shiver runs down my spine at his words, and my hips thrust up into my hand, cum shooting from the tip of my cock. I choke out a groan, my hand moving rapidly over my pulsing cock. “Oh god, oh god,” I moan, as I come and come and fucking come. When the waves of pleasure come to an end, I collapse against the seat, releasing my sticky, cum-covered cock.

“Holy hell,” Julian whispers, his tone reverent and strained.

I turn to him with a grin. His hands are still flexing, and his hard cock is pressed against the front of his jeans, a wet spot forming on them. I’m not sure if he came or if he’s just leaking that much, but it doesn’t matter. Either way, he looks debauched and fucking sexy, and I want him again. Already. Just gotta give my cock a few minutes to catch up. “Let’s go,” I choke out. “I want to suck your cock.”

Julian groans, his head falling forward until his chin is pressed to his chest. “I need you to sit over there quietly until we get home, okay?” he murmurs, his voice raw.

I nod, giving him a little smirk. I tuck my cock into my jeans, wiping my hand on the fabric as Julian pulls back onto the highway. I watch him as we drive. He’s so gorgeous. And kind. Your boundaries are easy to respect . Fuck, I should not find that so hot, right? Something’s probably wrong with my head. The second we pull into the driveway, I let out a breath. I rarely give people blowjobs, too much room for them to do something that will trigger me. But none of the usual fear I have is anywhere to be found. Instead, I’m filled with an almost unbearable urge to make Julian feel good.

As soon as he parks, I’m out of the car like a shot, heading to the front door with Julian hot on my trail. He unlocks the door and pulls me in with him before slamming his mouth down onto mine. I raise on my tip-toes, trying to make it easier to reach him. I’m a full-blown addict to kissing at this point. It’s kind of a problem.

Julian grips my ass and lifts me, pulling me into his arms, and pins me against the door. Like by the car, I tense, but I focus on the feel of his lips, replaying the words he’s consistently repeated, until I relax right into his hold. He adjusts me slightly until our cocks are lined up. He slips his tongue into my mouth at the same time he rotates his hips, his cock grinding against mine. I groan into his mouth, the dry friction so fucking good I almost can’t cope. His tongue tangles with mine as he thrusts again. An image of him thrusting into me fills my brain, and I gasp, fear and arousal mixing in my stomach. The fear triggers my fight or flight, but I don’t shove him away the way I want to. He won’t violate me. He’ll respect my boundaries. He won’t hurt me. It’s not until he asks if I’m okay that I realize I’ve stopped kissing him. I nod. “You won’t hurt me. You’ll respect my boundaries,” I say, repeating out loud the words I’m saying in my head.

He brushes his nose against mine. “Of course I won’t hurt you. And I’ll always respect your boundaries. Always.”

I nod. I’m really starting to believe that. Fully. In my heart and soul. God, it feels so good to believe that. I slam our mouths together again. He groans, tightening his hold on my body. “Bed,” I moan into his mouth. “Bed, bed, bed.”

He doesn’t even hesitate; he pulls me off the door, holding me tightly, and carries me straight to his room. He doesn’t put me down until we’re next to his bed. I stand in front of him for a second, staring up at him. He’s looking at me with so much tenderness that it makes my stomach flip. I drop my gaze to his crotch and swallow hard as I reach shaky hands out to unbutton and unzip his pants. I tug on them, and he helps me pull them down. He kicks his shoes off and pulls them fully off. “Shirt,” I choke out, knowing full well there’s no way I’m getting it off myself without a step stool.

He pulls it quickly over his head, and then he’s standing in front of me, fully naked. I rake my eyes over his body. God, this man is perfection. “Bed,” I say again, and he climbs in, lying on top of the blankets with his arms tucked under his head. I waste no time stripping down, then I’m climbing on top of him. I grip his hair and tilt his head to the side. He lets out a deep groan as I suck a bruise into the skin of his neck. I pull back and admire my handiwork with a smirk.

He chuckles. “Did you mark me, darlin’?” I look up at him and his pupils are wide, so much so that I almost can’t see any of the brown of his iris at all.

I nod, my breath coming out faster at his expression. He groans, tilting his head back, exposing his marked throat to me. I dive right in, sucking and kissing and licking my way down his neck—nibbling on his Adam’s apple, dipping my tongue into the hollow of his throat. He’s got a death grip on the pillow under his head. My cock brushes his stomach as I lower myself a bit to kiss my way across his collarbones.

He groans, and the sound makes my cock ache. Fuck. I grind against his stomach, desperate for friction. But I’ve already come once, and he hasn’t at all, so I force myself to stop—to ignore the pulsing in my cock that’s begging me to keep going, begging me to come all over him.

I slide down until I’m kneeling between his legs. I take in his dick—flushed red, the thick vein running along the bottom visibly pulsing, a puddle of pre-cum on his stomach. I lean in, giving it a solid lick from base to tip, and he chokes out a loud moan, his hips twitching with his effort to hold still. I look up at him. “You can touch me. In fact, please fucking touch me. But don’t push my head down.”

“Okay. I promise. You can stop anytime,” he assures me, and my heart swells in my chest.

I dip my head and suck him into my mouth. His hands find their way into my hair, but true to his word, he doesn’t use his grip to push me or control me. I moan around his cock, my own throbbing heavily between my legs as I take him deeper into my mouth. That vein pulses against my tongue and I push on it as I suck. His fingers tighten in my hair for a second before he relaxes his hold again. I pull almost all the way off his cock slowly, pressing my tongue right under the crown for a second. His hips jerk and he gasps, his fingers flexing in my hair in what seems like an involuntary way.

“So close,” he moans, lifting his hands off my head so I can pull away. No fucking way will I be doing that, though. I blindly reach for his hand and when it’s tangled back in my hair where it belongs, I lock my eyes on his. I watch him closely as I hollow my cheeks and take him to the back of my throat. It constricts around the head with my suppressed gag, and he cries out. He tightens his hold as the first burst of cum shoots down my throat, the combination of his taste and his grip making me moan. Pulling off his cock, I open my mouth, letting his cum cover my lips and tongue. “Oh fuck, that’s… oh fuck,” he says, his body shaking, and his eyes locked onto mine the entire time.

His eyes are boring into mine, his entire body trembling, and I’ve never felt more fucking powerful in my entire life. I climb his body, swallowing the cum on my tongue before licking the rest off my lips. He’s staring at me—slack-jawed and awed. I reach for my cock to stroke myself off, but I don’t quite make it because he grabs for me, pulling me down to him and swallowing my moan with his mouth.

He pulls my body down against his until I’m lying flush on him, my cock pressed between my stomach and his. He slips his tongue into my mouth, exploring, like he’s trying to take the taste of himself off my tongue. I groan and grind my cock against his stomach. Fuck, this is so hot. His hands are resting at his sides, but I want him to touch me. I need him to touch me, so I reach down and lift one, urging him to grab my ass. He hesitates for a second, so I break our kiss. “Please,” I whisper before settling my lips on his. His large hand grips my ass, and it sends a hot burst of arousal through my body, but no fear. He won’t hurt me. I moan as he uses his grip to help me thrust against him. In seconds, I’m crying out, coming hard, my entire body shaking as I grind against his stomach.

I slump against him, our lips still locked together, but our kisses slow and lazy. “You are perfection,” I whisper after breaking our kiss. I drop my head to his shoulder, tucking my face into his neck. He runs his hand from my ass up my spine to grip the nape of my neck.

“No, darlin’. That’s all you.”

I’m starting to doze off when his deep chuckle brings me back to myself. “Not sure if I should be offended that you’re always falling asleep on me, or if I should be happy that you trust me enough to.”

I hum. “Definitely the second one.” I nuzzle into his throat, breathing in his scent.

“Let me get you cleaned up, and then we can sleep.”

I nod, but make no effort to move. Why would I? I’ve never been so cozy and comfortable and fucking safe in my entire life. “Holden,” he whispers. “You’ve got to let me up.”

I grumble a bit, but roll over. Julian climbs quickly out of bed and I doze while I wait for him. I startle when a warm washcloth touches my skin, and I pry my eyes open to see Julian cleaning me off. The tender smile on his face makes me want to cry, but not bad tears, and I don’t really know why. He steps away, dropping the washcloth into the hamper by his closet door. The blankets are gently pulled out from under me, and then Julian is climbing in beside me and covering us up. I roll toward him, climbing fully on his body and tucking my face into his neck. He wraps an arm around my waist and lets out a deep breath.

I close my eyes, allowing myself to sink fully into his hold and relax. Our bodies are touching at every available point, our hearts seemingly beating in time with each other, and it takes me no time at all to fall asleep, safe in his arms.

I wake up tucked in Julian’s arms, lying in a puddle of drool on his chest. Ugh. Super fucking attractive, Hold. I raise up, wiping his chest with my hand. His deep chuckle makes me jump. “Shit. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“No. I’m sorry. Drooling on you like a damn loser.”

“I’m a parent, Holden. It’s not even in the top ten list of the grossest things I’ve had on me. Besides, I think it’s cute.”

“You’re a weirdo.”

He shrugs. “Maybe, but that works for me.”

“I think I need to go home today,” I say. Even though I really don’t want to. I want to stay right here. With him. I want to go with him to pick up Wren later. I want to stay here with him and keep feeling the way I’ve felt for the last two days. The way I felt last night.

“Oh,” Julian says. There’s no hiding the disappointment in his tone. Tell me you don’t want me to go, and I’ll stay. “Yeah, that makes sense. When can I see you again? Can I see you before you go back to work?”

“Yeah,” I choke out. “I’d like that.”

“Are you okay?” he asks, bringing his hand up to rub my back.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” Ask me to stay.

Stop it, Holden. You don’t have to cling to the first man who shows you a shred of kindness.

“Hmm. I’m really going to miss you,” he says.

“Yeah, I’m really going to miss you, too. We can text and stuff, right? And you’ll give Wren hugs for me?”

“Is there something deeper going on here? Why do I feel like you’re going off and never coming back?”

I laugh, but it comes out strange and a little panicked sounding. What the fuck is wrong with me? “Yeah, I’m alright.” I’m not alright. Tell him, Hold. Talk to him.

“Holden,” he says, his voice tight. I climb off him. I slept naked in his arms all night and yet, this morning, I feel exposed. Way too exposed. Please don’t let me leave.

He doesn’t say a word as I gather my cum-stained clothes. This is becoming a pattern. I’m not sure how Beck is going to feel about me coming home like this a second time. Ugh. I get dressed quickly, going commando, and shove my underwear into the back pocket of my jeans. I think a small part of my brain knows I’m spiraling; that I need to take a breath and get my bearings; that I need to tell Julian what’s happening in my head.

“Holden,” he says again. Not darlin’, just Holden. My heart clenches as I turn to him. “Please let me know when you make it home?”

I don’t want to go home. Home feels like your arms, and that’s fucking terrifying. Tell me to stay. Show me I don’t need to be scared. Roman’s words about being scared with him echo in my mind, but I ignore them. Instead, I stare into his eyes, begging him to do something. To show me it’s okay. But he doesn’t. He just stares at me, his brown eyes filled with what looks like resignation. “I will,” I murmur.

I don’t move, though. My feet are frozen in place and Julian’s eyes are boring into mine, holding me hostage. “Darlin’?” he whispers, cocking his head to the side. Darlin’. Relief makes my knees turn to jelly and I almost fall out on the floor, so I steady myself on the wall. “I want to respect you and your autonomy,” he continues. “But I’m really confused by the way you’re acting, and I want to make sure that you’re genuinely okay before I let you leave.”

“I’m really not okay,” I whisper, surprising even myself with how easily the words come out. “I’m… I’m scared.”

He sits up and holds his arms open. He doesn’t say a word, and he doesn’t really need to. His concern is written all over his face—his desire to fix the problem that he knows nothing about. Hell, I don’t even know what the problem is—not really. Only that this is fucking terrifying. I’ve never felt like this before, and I have no idea how to handle it, no idea what to do or say.