Page 19 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Eighteen

Julian

H olden looks absolutely terrified. I have no idea why. Everything seemed okay. He was sleeping soundly, drooling on me, and then it was like a switch flipped. He went from soft, cuddly warmth, to a ball of anxiety within seconds. I keep my arms held open as I watch the indecision war on his face. I’m serious about what I said about his autonomy. I won’t force him to open up to me or come back to my embrace. I want him to, of course. But more than that, I want him to want to. I want him to find comfort and safety and fuck, even love, with me. But only because he wants to—not because he feels coerced or pressured.

He takes a hesitant step toward me, and then another. I don’t move. Hell, I barely even dare to breathe. After three small, slow steps, he takes off in a run and I barely have time to react before his weight is knocking me backward into the bed, and he’s covering my body, burying his face in my throat. I bring my arms up on instinct, wrapping them around his waist and holding him tightly against my body.

“Talk to me,” I whisper, and he lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m scared,” he repeats.

“I know. Why?”

“I’m scared of how I feel about you,” he murmurs, his lips brushing my throat with the words. It sends a shiver down my spine, and I pray to the God of limp dicks that it behaves itself and doesn’t send him running for the hills.

Sliding a hand up his back, I dip my fingers into his hair, cradling the back of his head. I’m torn between asking what he means and giving him space to get it out on his own, but when it becomes clear he’s not going to elaborate, I ask, “Can you explain that a little more for me?”

He nods, but still doesn’t speak, and I can hear his hard swallow and the shaky breath he inhales. “Do you want me to tell you how I feel about you first?”

He hesitates, then nods again, so I sit up, adjusting us until my back is the against the headboard and he’s straddling my lap, green eyes locked onto my face and his knees tucked against my sides. The blanket is creating a barrier between our bodies and honestly, that’s for the best because even though he’s fully dressed, I know I need all the layers I can get between the two of us.

He’s studying my face with a guarded look in his eyes, which is no surprise to me. I don’t know the full details of his life, but I don’t need to know that to know he was hurt. Badly. Both physically and emotionally. He keeps himself mostly separated from it, it seems. Like if he does that, life won’t be able to hurt him anymore. I take a deep breath, steeling myself for his rejection. I know I told him I was direct, and I didn’t play games—and I don’t—but this is big, and he’s right, a little scary. I can only hope that he doesn’t run. That he allows himself to trust in my words long enough for me to prove them to him.

“I have feelings for you. Big scary feelings. Big scary feelings that are so close to love that I’m worried they’re going to tip right over the edge and scare you away. I don’t want you to leave, ever. I know that’s crazy because we’ve only known each other for what—a month? But I can’t help it, and I don’t want to. I love the fire in your eyes, and the sweet way you blush, the way you show me that hidden vulnerability, and the way you talk to Wren and interact with her.”

I take a deep breath, watching his face, trying to keep my shit together when he doesn’t react or move or, hell, even breathe from the looks of it. “I love the way you melt into me, the way you can’t seem to keep your eyes open when you’re in bed with me, like you’re finally able to put down the weight of everything you’re carrying and just be.”

His eyes go glassy, tears welling up, and my stomach tightens in fear, but I push on. Even if he leaves, I have to get this out. I have to. He deserves to know how I feel. I cup his face in my hands, using my thumb to brush away the first tear that falls down his cheek. “I love how fierce you are, how you stand up for what’s right, how tough you are, and how brave you’ve been with me.”

He nods, another tear sliding from his eye and collecting on my hand. He pulls in a shaky breath. “Now it’s your turn,” I whisper, trying to swallow down my nerves. He says nothing for a long while, and I’m honestly not sure if the tears are good or bad or what he’s thinking. Before I can freak out, he’s leaning forward and pressing our lips together. He whimpers, throwing his arms around my neck and plasters himself against my body. I release my grip on his face with one hand, and wrap my arm around him, trying to infuse all the feelings I have swimming through my veins into the kiss.

When he pulls back, he has a lightness to him that was missing before—a tiny sparkle in his emerald eyes that damn near stops my heart. “I have big, scary feelings for you too. Really fucking scary, in fact. I’ve never felt this way before.” His eyes dart away, but only for a second, and then they’re back on mine. “I’m scared I’m going to fall in love with you,” he whispers. I try not to let that hurt because I know it’s not me he’s scared of. But then he blows me away when he says, “I don’t think I’m going to have much of a choice, though. I… this is fucking terrifying, and I’m not used to being vulnerable with people.”

I nod because, yeah—doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. “But,” he continues, inhaling a deep breath. “I trust you. I really do. Please, please don’t make me regret that. I’m literally begging.” The softly spoken words shoot through my body and I can’t resist pulling him back to me and holding him in my arms.

“I will do everything possible to keep that from happening, I promise. You have just as much power to hurt me too.”

He lifts his head off my shoulder and stares at me with wide eyes. “I guess I really didn’t think about that,” he murmurs.

“Yeah, I’m pretty in over my head here, darlin’. I didn’t think I’d be doing this again, that I’d feel this way again. I don’t regret it, and I don’t want to change it, but it’s scary for me too.”

He drops his head back to my shoulder. “I promise I’ll try not to hurt you too,” he says, voice full of sincerity.

“I know you will,” I say, then I kiss the top of his head. “Do you want to go home?”

I can feel the shake of his head. “No. Do I have to?”

“Of course not. Do you want to go home to get a couple of days’ worth of clothes? You can stay here until it’s time for you to go back to work. I can share with Roman and Beck,” I say, chuckling a bit to myself. “They can have you on workdays, and I get to keep you when you’re off.”

He giggles. “Yeah, I think that’s a good start, right? Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Darlin’, I’d keep you here and never let you leave again if I had my way. Let’s go get you some stuff packed up, and then we can go pick up Wren. I’m patiently, impatiently waiting to hear about her latest blood work, and I want to soak in all the good times I can with her, just in case…” My voice trails off and Holden sits up.

“We’ll figure out what’s going on, even if I need to rip the asses of every single doctor in that place to get it done.”

My cock twitches at his expression, which is probably not an appropriate reaction, but he’s ready to defend my kid—fire and determination pouring from his eyes—and something about that just… fuck. “Okay, we better go before I lose my mind over that look on your face, darlin’,” I say, once again praying to the God of limp dicks that mine will behave. I have a feeling this is going to be an ongoing prayer.

Holden asked if we could pick Wren up before going to get his clothes, and did I fold as soon as I saw that pouty bottom lip and his pleading eyes? Yeah, I really did. It couldn’t be helped, though, and I’ll be taking zero questions on that at this time. The second he finds out how much power he has over me, I’m going to be even more screwed than I am now. Do I resent that? No. Am I thankful he seems like the type to use his powers for good and not evil? Yeah, I really am.

So now Wren’s in the back seat, bobbing her head in her car seat, while Holden has his hand tucked into mine and is turned around in his seat, singing the Frozen soundtrack with her. I’m trying to keep myself balanced on the edge of the falling in love thing, but the way he’s smiling at her, encouraging her, and matching her energy with his own is making that a damn near impossible task. I’ve read about a million parenting blogs since Maya died, especially ones for single parents after a loss, and it seems like the hardest part of moving on is making sure that your child is protected and loved—finding someone who will love them like you do. Something about Holden just screams natural caregiver, which yeah, okay, he’s literally a fucking pediatric nurse, so makes sense. It’s more than that, though. You can really tell that he cares about her—no artifice, no bullshit, and certainly no obligation.

“Sing, Daddy!” Wren shouts, her voice and Holden’s answering giggle pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah, sing with us,” he says, grinning from ear to ear. His cheeks are flushed with happiness, and he’s got a twinkle in his eye that I genuinely couldn’t resist if I tried.

I let my voice join theirs, and Wren squeals from the back seat, clapping her hands in excitement. By the time we pull into Holden’s driveway, I have a smile etched into my face, and we’ve sung most of the soundtrack.

“Wren, I’ve got to show you Mulan. It’s my favorite Disney movie. We love a fierce princess. Plus, we gotta get down to business to defeat the Huns.”

“The Huns?” Wren questions, making Holden giggle.

“Yeah, pretty girl,” he says, smiling back at her, obliterating all hope I had of not losing my entire heart to him. I mean, honestly, does he have to be so perfect? He doesn’t even have to try. It seems like it comes naturally to him, and he has me level one thousand fucked up. “You’re gonna love it. You’ll see.” He turns to me with a smile, and I get lost in his eyes, happy to once again be drowning in him.

“You’re everything,” I whisper, closing the distance between us and pulling him into me to give him a soft, chaste kiss.

When I release him, his eyes are closed. He keeps his face tilted toward mine, and it makes my heart skip a whole-ass beat in my chest. “Let’s go, darlin’,” I whisper.

I climb out of the car and start to open Wren’s door to get her out when I’m literally body checked by Holden as he shoves me out of the way to get to her before I can. It’s like the universe is laughing at me because be real. If I’m not expected to fall in love with him, this is a pretty weird way of showing that to me. He gives me a triumphant grin, holding his hand up in a peace sign before darting off toward the door. Wren giggles as he bounds up the steps to the front porch. He pauses, turning back to me with a raised eyebrow, and then he leans in to whisper something to Wren that has her lighting up and nodding. “Come on, Daddy,” she says, so I shake myself out of my stupor and take off after them.

As we step into the house, Roman and Beck are engaged in what appears to be a very intense conversation that Holden pauses to listen to. It’s clear they’re too lost in their own world to have noticed we’re here.

“I just don’t see how it would work, beautiful,” Beck says. “You work just as much as I do, if not more, and we can’t ask Holden to take that on. Not to mention, he probably won’t be spending as much time here now.”

Roman pouts but nods. “Ugh, okay. You’re right. Have I mentioned I hate when that happens?”

Beck shrugs and pulls Roman in for a heated kiss that is, quite frankly, more than I think I need to see of them. Holden gasps, covering Wren’s eyes with his hand, which makes me chuckle, and Roman and Beck jerk apart like a couple of teenagers. Roman’s face is positively red, and Holden is glaring at the two of them. “There’s a baby in here, Beckett. Do you think you can keep it in your pants in the common areas?”

Beck turns around on the couch and smirks at Holden, who drops his hand from Wren’s eyes. “If I had known you were bringing this cutie over, I would have kept it more child-friendly, but I didn’t even know you were coming, let alone coming with a baby in tow.”

Roman hasn’t said a word. He’s still trying to get his face under control if I had to guess. Beck stands and comes around the couch, holding his arms out to Wren. She shocks the hell out of me by reaching for him. I watch in mute fascination as she clings to him. “My, my. You are a little cutie pie, aren’t you?” he says, grinning at her. “Look at her, beautiful. CT here found himself an instant family and made us uncles.”

Holden giggles, but my mind is reeling. Uncles? They don’t even know her or me. What the hell. They’re just going to accept us into their little mismatched family? No hesitation? I follow Holden as he takes off and sits down on the couch beside Roman, leaning his head against his shoulder. I sit down beside him, trying to figure out how it’s possible that they’re so accepting of us, so quickly at that.

Beck sits on the floor with Wren in front of him and starts talking to her. He’s animated and bright as he does, and she’s eating it up. Giggling and talking to him like she’s known him her entire life. I can’t drag my eyes from her. We haven’t really had anyone in our corner in so long. Ruby and Henry, sure. But my parents have never met her. And my friends were all so happy for me to have a baby, until Maya got sick and died, and then I wasn’t fun anymore. I don’t know how to handle this quick acceptance.

“So, I guess we have a niece, huh?” Roman says with a chuckle.

Holden shrugs. “Looks that way. Did you expect anything less? He adopted you, then me. And so did his parents. Some people get lucky that they were raised to be full of love like him.”

Roman sighs, and with it, I know that whatever kind of parents he had, they fall on the side of the type of parents Holden and I had. “No,” he says with a small laugh. “I guess I didn’t expect anything less. He’s pretty great, huh?”

Holden snickers. “God, I thought you getting him back would make you less insufferable, not more.”

“Shut up, Hold,” Roman grumbles.

Beck laughs at Wren, pulling their attention back to him. “Hey, beautiful. We should have a baby.” Roman lets out a loud laugh, but Beck is not deterred. “I’m serious. Why are you laughing?”

That gets Holden going too. He tilts his face up to Roman and the two of them share a look that sends them both into a fit of giggles. Roman recovers first. “If I could remind you that not ten minutes ago, you told me I couldn’t get a dog. A dog, Beck. Besides, you don’t even want kids unless I missed something.”

Beck sticks his lower lip out, and Wren giggles at his facial expression. He grins down at her and picks her up, turning her in his lap until she’s facing Roman. “But look at her. She’s so cute! We should have one.”

Roman shakes his head. “In case you missed it, baby. We both work sixty plus hours a week. What would we even do with a kid?”

Beck shrugs. “I don’t know. Sing to them and sh—stuff,” he corrects.

Roman gives him an unimpressed look. “Why can’t you just sing to Wren? Think of how much more fun it will be if we’re fun uncles and get to come steal her so Hold and Julian can have date nights, and then we can send her back, hyped up on sugar and Mountain Dew.”

Fun uncles. They really are just jumping right in with zero hesitation. Holden’s outraged gasp interrupts my thoughts. “You can’t give her Mountain Dew!”

“It was a joke, CT,” Roman returns.

“You two suck. I need to figure out a mean name to call you.”

“It’s not a mean name, Hold,” Beck promises, his expression earnest. Holden ignores them in favor of moving his head from Roman’s shoulder to mine. I may preen a little, but that’s my business, thank you very much.

“They’re being mean to me,” he grumbles.

“Do you need me to save you, darlin’?” I ask, brushing his hair back off his forehead.

He looks up at me with pink cheeks and a wide grin. “Would you?” he asks, and duh. That’s not even a question.

I stand and grab him, throwing him over my shoulder. He gasps before laughing. “This is not quite what I meant,” he says through his giggles.

“Hey, beggars can’t be choosers, and you didn’t specify how I was supposed to save you.” I walk toward Beck, and he’s grinning at me in a way that tells me he approves, before I reach down and do the same with Wren, throwing her over my other shoulder.

She giggles and Holden echoes the sound. Fuck, I love this. “Hi, Holden,” Wren says, the smile in her voice making my heart swell.

“Fancy meeting you way up here, pretty girl,” he responds, giggling the entire time. I could so fucking get used to this. I carry them down the hall and straight into Holden’s room before dropping them both on the bed.

I lean forward, giving them both forehead kisses. I’m so fucking happy right now. I forgot it was even possible for this much happiness to exist, but here it is. I’m going to do everything I can to keep it.