Page 31 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty

Julian

T he first thing I notice when I open my eyes is that Holden is still sound asleep and unless he somehow had a nightmare that I missed, he slept through the night. It would have been a feat on his part to hide a nightmare from me. No way I would have slept through it. Hello, Dad Hearing.

No, I think he slept through the night, and pretty much in the same way he fell asleep if our current position is anything to go by—he’s still wrapped in my arms, face tucked against my chest.

His hair looks like he was electrified, which is infinitely funny to me, considering it really doesn’t look like he moved at all. I don’t want to disturb him. I have no idea what time it is, but the sun is up. The house is quiet—no sounds coming from the living room or the bedroom next door. A heavy weight is hanging around in my stomach at the realization that Wren isn’t up yet. She never sleeps in. She’s very much like her favorite Disney Princess. If the sky’s awake, she’s awake.

Holden stirs against me, but doesn’t wake fully, keeping me from losing it since he pulls my attention back to him and the present. He’s always pulling my attention.

Whew, though. This has been a tough weekend. I can’t believe he asked me to top him. Sure, I will if he wants me to. I mean, fuck, he’s gorgeous. It’s not like it would be a hardship. But I wasn’t lying when I said it wasn’t something I need, and it’s definitely not something I’m willing to do for the wrong reasons. There’s a big difference in putting your thumb on someone’s lip to calm them down and topping them. If it’s something he wants to explore, that’s fine. But I’m not going to risk losing him because I triggered him and lost his trust. No, thanks. I’ve worked too damn hard to earn it.

Looking down at his face, I pull a hand from his back and brush his hair back off his forehead. His eyes slowly flutter open and when his gaze settles on mine, his lips tilt up a tiny bit, like he just can’t help it. I can tell the exact moment his brain comes online because his smile falls away and tears fill his eyes. Oh hell.

“I’m sorry,” he rasps.

Lord almighty, he’s going to kill me with this. “Darlin’. Stop telling me you’re sorry.”

“Can’t. I feel so bad.” He sniffles, the sound pitiful and sad, making my heart clench. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

I sigh, sliding a hand under his shirt to caress the warm skin of his bare back. “I’m not going to leave you, Holden.”

“I can’t believe I talked to you like that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He sounds genuinely upset and confused.

“I think I do. I mean, I’m not a therapist, obviously. But I think it makes sense. I’m your first relationship, right? Like romantically?” He nods, ducking his head to hide against my chest.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me. “I think you lashed out because you’re scared.”

“But I’m not scared of you.”

I shake my head. Not that it matters, since he’s not looking at me. “No, Hold. Not physically. It’s scary to fall in love. You’re putting all your faith and trust in someone. And you hope it works, and that you don’t get your heart broken. And when you feel that way, rational thought leaves. I think it’s probably normal.”

He sighs. “You don’t lash out at me when you’re scared.”

I mean, he may be right. But not entirely. “I haven’t lashed out at you , no. But I did with Maya.”

That gets his attention, and he pulls his face from my chest and looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks. “What do you mean?”

“It was terrifying finding out she had cancer. The cancer she had was aggressive, and rapidly spreading. They wanted to move quickly and start treatment. She refused. I was so scared of losing her, I lashed out. I yelled at her—told her she was being selfish. Begged her to abort Wren.” The old shame surfaces, making my stomach twist. “I was so mad at her. We got into a fight. Well, I fought, and she stayed quiet. And then I left. Left her right there in the hospital alone. I was back within hours, begging for forgiveness.”

Wide green eyes latch onto mine. “Did she forgive you?”

I nod. “Yeah, she said there was nothing to forgive. She told me that sadness and fear make us crazy. I think that’s real love, you know? Seeing the ugly in someone else, the worst parts of their character, the things they’re ashamed of and loving them despite it. Accepting them anyway.”

He hums thoughtfully. “That’s really beautiful. Roman is the only person who’s ever loved me like that.”

I snort. The only person? I watched Beck beat the shit out of a guy and then lord his dad’s job over the guy’s head in the middle of the street. “Beck loves you like that too.”

Holden nods slowly, realization dawning. “Yeah, I guess he does.”

“I do too, you know? Love you like that.”

His eyes widen, and his lips part slightly as he draws in a shaky breath. “I love you like that too.”

A smile lights up my face, my stomach doing acrobatics at the sweet tone of his voice and his admission. Trailing my fingers down his spine, I lean in to give him a soft kiss. When I pull back, he’s got a matching smile. “So, does this mean you’re going to stop apologizing to me, then?”

His cheeks flush. “No promises. I still feel terrible, even if you forgive me. I don’t… I don’t want fear running my life.”

“It’ll come in time, Hold. Don’t rush yourself.”

The sound of soft footsteps interrupts our conversation as Wren’s cheerful voice echoes down the hall. “Daaaaaaady. Hooooolden.”

The pure joy that spreads across Holden’s face as he jumps from the bed to grab her makes my heart soar. He throws the door open and within seconds he’s rushing back into the room, holding her like she’s an airplane, and he’s flying her around. Her little giggles are music to my ears.

He puts her in bed next to me, then climbs back in with us. I watch as he rolls to his side to face her. “Did you sleep well, pretty girl?”

“Yeah, in my tent.”

His eyes are dancing with happiness, a soft smile on his lips. “The tent is pretty cool, huh? Do you like it?”

She nods. “Yeah. Unka Ro got it for me.”

Well, maybe Beck hasn’t won her over after all. I chuckle. Poor guy. “Uncle Beck too,” Holden says, tapping her nose.

“I won hippos with Unka Beck,” she says proudly.

Holden grins at her. “You sure did, pretty girl. Did Uncle Beck teach you to cheat?”

She nods. “Yup.”

“What a bad influence,” Holden muses, dragging his eyes to mine.

My phone rings and I roll over to grab it, anxiety settling over me as I realize it’s the hospital calling. I show the screen to Holden and the smile drops off his face. I answer with shaky hands, putting it on speakerphone so Holden can hear too. “Hello?”

“Julian Foster?”

Holden reaches out to grab my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “That’s me.”

“This is Dr. Mays. We have some results about Wren. Can you please come in today at 10:00 a.m. to discuss?”

My stomach churns, but I force myself to stay calm. “Absolutely. We’ll be there.”

He hangs up without responding. I glance at Holden to see an angry fire burning in his eyes. “What a—” His voice cuts off abruptly as he glances at Wren, his expression softening just a bit. He clears his throat. “D-I-C-K.”

I can’t help the chuckle that comes out. His sense of humor and fiery spirit always seem to chill the ragged edges of my anxiety, and I’m so thankful for him. “You’re not wrong, but hopefully, he’s a D-I-C-K with good news.”

Holden sighs, sitting up to grab his own phone. He dials a number, putting the phone on speaker. A woman answers. “Hey, love. Are you okay?”

“Hey, Lydia.” Ahh, Beck’s mom. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you working today?”

“I am, yes.”

“Can you take on a patient for me?”

There’s a pause on the line. Then, “Of course. Are you here, though? I didn’t think you were working today?”

Holden sighs. “I’m not. I, um… So, it’s… Ugh.”

“Well, spit it out, love.” I can hear the smile in her voice.

“I have a boyfriend.” The words come out quickly, his eyes darting to mine.

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Hold. When can I meet him?”

His shoulders relax. “Today. At ten. His daughter isn’t feeling the greatest. We just got the results back from her bone marrow biopsy, and we’re coming in to speak with Dr. Mays.”

“Ah, so that’s my new patient, then, huh? It was smart of you to ask. It’s challenging to work on family.”

He grins, his cheeks getting a little pink. “I know,” he mumbles. “Beck yelled at me for it and told me I should ask you.”

“He’s pretty smart too. Yes, I’d love to help. I’ll see you guys when you get here. I’m looking forward to meeting whatever lucky man has captured your heart. Ahh, all my boys are out here falling in love.” She sounds excited, but it makes me a little nervous. One perk of having parents that have disowned you is that you don’t have to worry about the crazy meeting the parents thing. But it doesn’t look like I’m going to escape that. Surely if I can win over Beck, I can win over his mom.

Holden giggles. “Well, to be fair, Beck and Ro have been in love for years.”

She sighs. “I know, but now they’re getting married. And you’re with someone. All my momma dreams are coming true.”

Holden reaches out, twirling his fingers in Wren’s curls absently, smiling at her. “Yeah… all my dreams are coming true too.”

Oh, fuck. If I wasn’t already in love? That right there would have done it.

“I’m so happy for you,” Lydia says softly. “Okay, so I’ll see you guys at ten. Be safe, love.”

“We will. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

He hangs up the phone, but seems a little shy, like he can’t quite meet my eyes.

“So, you weren’t kidding about her, huh? She really has pretty much adopted you.”

He nods, a soft smile on his lips. “Yeah, she really did. I love her. Danny too. I’m sure you’ll meet him at some point. We usually go once a month for dinner at their house. Lydia makes the best food, I swear. You guys will come with me soon, right?” He finally drags his eyes back to mine, ensnaring me in their green depths.

“Of course. I’d be honored.”

Roman had some work he had to do today, but Beck was off, so he insisted on coming to the hospital with us. He felt bad that he never had a chance to go over Wren’s chart before we did the bone marrow biopsy. I need to call Ruby and Henry, but I want to wait until I have more definite answers.

It’s an odd procession of the four of us walking into the hospital together. One thing I will say is that it’s definitely helping me stay calm. At least about Wren’s health. Meeting what is essentially my boyfriend’s mom? Not as calm about that.

Holden leads us to the elevators as he chats with Beck. The two of them are clearly well-liked. Everyone we’ve passed has waved and smiled at them. A few have tried to stop them to talk, but they’ve moved it along pretty quickly.

When we step off the elevator and onto the pediatric floor, a woman with bright blonde hair and startling blue eyes approaches us, pulling first Holden and then Beck into hugs.

“I see how it is. Holden comes around, and you forget about your own son.” Ahh, this must be Lydia.

“Behave yourself, Beck. I raised you better than that.”

He grins, and Holden chuckles. “I don’t know about that, Lydia. He’s a bit of a menace.”

She rolls her eyes, clearly accustomed to their playful rivalry. Her eyes shoot to me. “Hi, I’m Lydia. Beck’s mom.”

I wipe my sweaty palm on my thigh before holding out my hand to her to shake her hand. She looks from my face to my hand, and Holden cackles.

“Yeah, no. We’re not a handshake family,” Beck says.

Holden smacks him in the arm. “Stop, Beck. Don’t scare him off.”

Not a chance they could scare me off. I’m about to introduce myself when Beck grabs Holden in a headlock and ruffles his hair. Holden squawks, trying to squirm out of his embrace.

Lydia sighs. “Boys. Behave yourselves.” She turns back to me and reaches out to shake my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Oh, tell her your name, dumbass . “I’m Julian.”

She nods, turning her attention to Wren. “And who’s this adorable baby girl?”

Wren tucks her head into my neck. But to my surprise, she answers. “I’m Wren.”

Lydia smiles at her. This is such a strange family. All happy and smiley and kind of perfect. No wonder Beck is so well-adjusted. Even before my parents stopped talking to me, they were miserable bastards. “Hey Wren, I’m Lydia. I’m Beck’s mom. I’m going to be taking care of you today, okay?”

Wren nods against me. “Unka Beck?”

Lydia’s eyes light up. But before she can respond, Beck cuts in. “Hell yeah, Uncle Beck.”

Holden whacks his arm again. “Language, Beckett.”

Beck’s eyes dart to mine. “Oh, man. I’m so sorry.”

I chuckle. “It’s fine.”

Lydia takes a step back. “Okay guys, let’s go get this little one in a room.”

We all follow her down the hall and into a room. I sit Wren down on the hospital bed, trying not to picture her hooked up to a million machines like her mom was. The thought of something bad being wrong almost cripples me. Holden’s hand landing on my back instantly calms me. “She’s going to be okay.”

“I hope so.”

It doesn’t take long before Dr. Mays is coming into the room. He looks around in what looks like irritation at the large amount of us before turning to me. “We got some concerning results.”

My stomach turns, nausea creeping in. Holden slides his hand into mine, and Beck comes to stand on my other side, close enough that his arm is brushing me. Lydia comes across the room and sits on the bed beside Wren, talking to her softly.

“Okay,” I say, swallowing hard.

Dr. Mays opens Wren’s chart, which I didn’t notice until now. “Prelim testing is showing no cancer.” My knees almost give out on me, the relief so fucking sweet that I almost can’t hold my own weight up.

“Okay, that’s good,” Holden says when it becomes clear I’m not going to be able to talk.

Dr. Mays frowns at him. “It’s not all good news, I’m afraid. We have a presumptive diagnosis of aplastic anemia. We’ll need a few more days to verify with one hundred percent certainty.”

I swallow hard. “Okay, um, what does that mean?”

Holden gives my hand a gentle squeeze, while Beck leans further into me.

Dr. Mays clears his throat. “It means that Wren’s body is not producing enough blood cells. The low white count is the cause of her low respirations and her tiredness. And low platelets are responsible for her bruising.”

Holden chuckles, but it lacks humor. “Low folate.”

Dr. Mays turns a glare on him. I feel Beck tense beside me, and I find myself tensing too, halfway convinced he’s about to go full on Rocky again if this asshole says the wrong thing to Holden. He may be able to skirt the consequences of what happened over the weekend, but I’m not sure his dad can help him keep his job if he punches a co-worker. “Surely you know we don’t always get it right on the first try,” Doctor Asshole says.

I turn to Holden in time to see him bare his teeth. “We also don’t dismiss patient concerns and throw our hands up when our initial diagnosis doesn’t make sense.”

I love when he gets like this. With people other than me, of course. But right now, I need answers. “Okay, so what can we do?”

Holden answers for him, sadness tinting his words. “A bone marrow transplant.”

Oh. So that’s better than chemo, right? Dr. Mays talks again. “We can start with medication to stimulate her blood cell production. We will need to monitor her levels. We can also do blood transfusions as the need arises.”

I take that in. “Okay, and that will cure it?”

Dr. Mays shakes his head. “No, but it will manage the symptoms. The only thing that will cure her is a marrow transplant. Once we get a confirmed diagnosis, I can add her to the donor registry. Do you have any questions?” I shake my head. I don’t. Not for him, anyway. Anything I want to know, I’ll talk to Holden or Beck about. I trust them infinitely more than this dickhead. “Okay, I’ll get scripts sent to the pharmacy, and you can pick them up. I’ll call as soon as we have confirmation.” With that, he turns and strides from the room.

Holden growls. “D-I-C-K.”

“Yeah, that’s about right. Can’t stand him,” Beck says.

I’m a little shell-shocked. “It’s not cancer.” Is it just me or is my voice cracking?

Holden steps in front of me. My fierce little love. “It’s not cancer,” he confirms.

Breathing is becoming hard. “It’s… it’s still bad, though, right?” Holy shit. I’m not going to have a breakdown right now in front of Beck and Lydia. And definitely not in front of Wren.

Holden grabs my hand, pulling me toward the door. “Beck, keep an eye on Wren.”

I hear Beck’s worried “Sure thing," as Holden pulls me into the hallway and into another room, closing the door behind us. He leads me to the bed and urges me to sit down. The second I do, he steps between my legs and I pull him into my hold, burying my face against his stomach.

His hands come up to slide into my hair. “It’s okay. This is curable. We need to keep an eye on her, but we can fix it. She’s going to be okay.”

It doesn’t feel okay. It feels awful. “How did this happen?”

Holden sighs, scratching my scalp with his nails. “It can happen for many reasons—an immune response, a sickness, or even just because. We’ll likely never know what caused it.” I try to take a deep breath, try to keep my emotions under control. “I’m here, Jules. It’s okay.”

The first tear falls down my cheek and soaks into his shirt, more falling rapidly behind it. I squeeze him tightly, probably too tight if the little grunt he lets out is anything to go by, but he doesn’t protest. He lets me hold him, keeping up his gentle strokes to my head as I silently cry into his stomach.

I have no idea how long it takes before I get myself back under control. I’m relieved, of course. But even without it being cancer, it’s still bad. It’s not what I wanted for her at all. No parent wants this for their kid. When I finally feel okay-ish again, I drop my arms and sit back, wiping at my face. Holden gives me a nervous smile. “I sincerely hope you don’t expect me to wipe your nose. I can handle all manner of nasty things, but unlike you, I’m afraid I’m not immune to snot. It’s my one ick. C-diff? Fine. Please don’t make me wipe snot.”

I let out a wet laugh. “Have we finally found a flaw in the perfection that is you, darlin’?”

He shrugs, his lips turning up at the corners. “Hey, we can’t be perfect at everything.”

“Nah, but you’re pretty damn close. Let’s go get our girl and go the fuck home. I’m so tired of hospitals. Can’t believe I fell in love with a damn nurse.”

His startled laugh brings a shaky smile to my face as I stand, and then we’re walking hand in hand out of the room. Is it fucked up of me that my only thought is, thank God this isn’t cancer? I’m not sure I could survive going through that again.