Page 14 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirteen

Holden

D arlin’.

Oh my god. He called me darlin’, and then I almost kissed him. Holy shit, I almost kissed him. I was so close. Thank God Wren woke up. What was I thinking? Actually, I know what I was thinking. Goddamn, he’s so nice and sweet and gorgeous and fucking perfect, and I really like him so much. That’s what I was thinking. And now I’m thinking I may want a do-over. My stomach flips violently, my heart beating against my rib cage like a battering ram. Oh fuck. Stay calm, Hold. You’re literally holding a knife with a three-year-old. Keep it together.

“You’re doing so well, Wren,” I say, trying to infuse the pride I’m feeling into the words instead of the absolute terror.

I can feel Julian’s eyes on us, and it’s got me all kinds of messed up inside.

Darlin’.

Deep breaths, Hold.

I focus all my attention on helping Wren finish slicing the vegetables, and by the time we’re done, I’ve gotten my thoughts under control.

Mostly.

Okay, not mostly at all. But they are a dull roar instead of a deafening scream, so that’s gotta count for something.

I help Wren off the chair and lean against the counter, watching Julian cook. His hands are… fuck. I have really got to get it together. I’m in the process of taking a deep breath when Wren tugs on my pant leg. I look down at her, and she blinks at me with big brown eyes. “I wanna watch a movie,” she says.

Before I can even say anything, Julian is answering her. “I’ll get a movie set up for you. Come on.” She glances at him before turning her attention to me.

“Holden come too?” she asks, her soft voice burrowing its way into my heart. I think I’d kill for this kid, if I’m being honest with myself.

“Yeah, I’ll come too. But then I’m going to help Daddy finish dinner, okay?”

“Okay,” she whispers, slipping her hand into mine. Is my heart about to beat out of my chest? I really think it might. Ho-lee-shit. This does not bode well for my ability to move past this if Julian doesn’t return my feelings.

I sincerely hope my face isn’t doing anything fucked up.

I follow Wren as she leads me into the living room. She lets go of my hand as she climbs onto the couch, settling her body in the center. Julian grabs a blanket from the back of the couch, tucks it around her, and kisses her forehead. “What do you wanna watch, baby girl?” he asks, grabbing the remote from the arm of the couch.

“SpongeBob,” she says, kicking her little legs in excitement.

Julian chuckles and the sound washes over me, sending tingles shooting through my body. Once Wren is good to go with her show, Julian taps her on the nose and tells her to call for him if she needs him. She nods, barely paying him any mind as she tries to look around his body to watch the TV.

As we walk to the kitchen, I can hear her singing the theme song. “She likes to sing too, huh? Not just you?” I ask, smiling at her adorable singing voice.

“She really does.” The soft smile on his face has my heart going a mile a minute, and I really need to sit down. I climb up the counter, planting my butt next to the stove so I can watch Julian as he cooks. He’s talking to me, but I’m not listening to a word he’s saying. I can’t hear anything over the blood rushing in my ears. Even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to focus because my eyes are glued to the way his mouth shapes the words as he speaks them.

How does one initiate a kiss while someone is talking? It’s not that I don’t like to hear him talk because I do. But would it be rude if I grabbed him and just… did it? Will he push me away? Should I ask first? No way I can ask first, right? I’ll never be able to get the courage up if I have to voice it instead of actually doing it.

“Holden?” I’m pulled from my thoughts as a clearly worried Julian stares at me.

“Yes?” I ask, hoping that my voice isn’t shaking.

“I asked if you were okay. You zoned out there for a second.”

I nod slowly. I’m okay. Definitely. Freaking out a little, a nervous wreck, a giant mess of anticipation and want, but okay. Kind of. It’s not really a lie.

He smiles at me, and my eyes follow the movement. Stop staring at his lips, Holden . For fuck’s sake. I can’t, though. I really can’t. “Holden?” he asks again, worry creeping into his tone.

It’s just a kiss, Hold. It’s not that big of a deal.

Grab him and do it.

Do it.

I angle my body toward his, a strange sensation floating around in my stomach. Anxiety is threatening to rip me in two, but I can do this. “Holden?” he repeats, closer this time. I can feel the heat of him against my thigh, and it sends a shiver through my body. He really sounds worried. Fuck, I have to do this. I reach out and grip his shirt in my hands. I force my gaze up until our eyes lock, and he cocks his head at me, concern and confusion warring for control of his expression.

Fuck it. I pull him forward.

In the back of my mind, I know he’s letting me pull him toward me because no way would I be strong enough to do it if he wasn’t. When I get him as close as he was in the living room, I pause, my breath sawing in and out of my lungs. His nose brushes mine, but he doesn’t make a move.

Why isn’t he making a move?

This is such a bad idea.

What if he doesn’t even want to kiss me?

“You told me no kissing, darlin’.” His soft breath fans across my lips with his words, and my stomach tightens. Fuck, so he doesn’t want to kiss me, then? Maybe he was so okay with the rule because he didn’t want to kiss me anyway. Maybe that’s why he didn’t try to close the distance in the living room. “If you want it, you have to take it,” he murmurs.

Oh . He’s close, so close. I can almost feel his lips on mine already, and it’s making my heart race.

I so fucking want it.

Between one breath and the next, I close the tiny gap between us. And with the soft press of his lips on mine, my entire world tilts on its axis. Colors explode behind my closed eyes, my stomach flutters, and my heart speeds up even further. I tighten my grip on his shirt as a whimper claws its way up my throat.

Holy fuck . It’s no wonder people like this so much.

I startle a bit when he cups my cheeks, but I don’t pull away, and neither does he. I’m floating and falling all at once, my entire body buzzing. Within a couple of seconds, he’s gently releasing his hold on me and pulling away. He gives me one final soft peck and takes a step back. My eyes dart all over his face, taking in the flush on his cheeks and the way his pupils are blown wide. “Holy shit,” I whisper, and even I can hear the reverent tone of my voice. “No wonder people like kissing. Did I… did I do it okay?”

Julian’s eyes widen, his jaw dropping open. “Wait—you’ve never… Fuck, Holden. Was that your first kiss?”

I nod, feeling suddenly shy about the whole thing. Is he judging me? He better fucking not be. He cups my face again, achingly sweet and gentle. “Thank you,” he whispers. “I am so honored, and I hope I can be worthy of that.”

So clearly not judging me at all. Great, this man’s perfection, isn’t he? I’m so fucked.

Earlier today when Julian asked me to stay for dinner and told me I could go home afterward, I thought that sounded great, until everything happened and I kissed him and now it sounds like the worst idea in the world. So when he leans in after dinner and asks me to please sit down and wait for him to get Wren into bed? Let’s just say, I’m sat.

I curl up on the end of the couch, my legs pulled up under my body, and listen as Julian’s deep voice carries through the house as he sings a song to Wren. I can’t quite pick out the individual words, but I can hear enough to know that his intoxicating voice extends to his singing. At least I know where Wren gets it from.

I close my eyes as he sings, letting the sound soothe me. I bet this shit puts Wren right to sleep. It would me. Although, to be fair, it seems he puts me to sleep in general. First after our hookup and then again at the hospital. Something about him just makes me feel like I can let my guard down.

I pop an eye open when the singing stops. And then I hear Julian walking back toward the living room, and my stomach flips in nervous anticipation.

He comes into the room and I sit up a little straighter, opening my other eye to track his movements. He sits down beside me, the couch dipping with his weight. “Are you doing alright?” he asks.

I look at him, a bit confused. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s a big deal,” he mumbles, shrugging.

Oh. The kiss. I mean, yeah, it is a big deal, but I’m alright. I’m so alright. “Yeah,” I say, giving him a smile.

He grins at me. “Tell me to fuck off if you aren’t comfortable, but how ?”

I nibble on my bottom lip and then sigh. “Well, I was fourteen, living on the streets, doing anything I could to get by. No one was interested in kissing me. Thank God. And then, when I was around nineteen or so, and I had really grown to trust Ro, I asked if he would do it. I just wanted to get it out of the way, you know?” I pause and look at him, wondering if he thinks that’s stupid, but he nods, his eyes alight with understanding, so I continue. “He told me no. He told me I should save it for someone special. And then no one special ever came. And then it got so big in my head it felt insurmountable.” I shrug, only slightly uncomfortable.

He nods slowly. “So you didn’t say no kissing because you don’t enjoy it, but because you didn’t want it to be with a random hookup who didn’t care about you.” He doesn’t pose it as a question, and he doesn’t really need to. It’s a pretty accurate assessment.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

He grins. “So you think I’m special, then?”

My cheeks heat, but I do. I really fucking do, so there’s no point in denying it. “Yeah, I think you’re pretty special,” I whisper.

His smile grows. “Fuck, darlin’. I think you’re pretty special too.”

My heart goes crazy in my chest. Jesus, is this what having a crush on someone feels like? This is fucking ridiculous.

He sobers and eyes me warily. “Again, tell me to fuck off, but, no anal?”

I shudder, a tingle of fear slithering down my spine and settling in my stomach, replacing the fluttery feelings from before. “I’ve been there. Done that. In ugly ways with ugly people. When it’s something you have to do to eat, or have clean clothes, or a place to lay your head at night, it loses its luster. Besides, I never particularly liked it. It… hurt.”

Julian studies me for a minute. I wait for the disgust, for the anger, for the “Sorry, you need to leave. I have to protect my daughter from the whore,” but it doesn’t come. His unreadable expression is actually making me a little nervous. “That’s not a dealbreaker, is it?” My voice is small and I hate that. I’m not ashamed of my past, or my boundaries, but I also don’t want to be treated badly for them.

He shakes his head immediately. “No, absolutely not. But what about the other way around?”

I blink at him. “What do you mean?”

He chuckles, a pink flush spreading across his cheeks. Oh, that’s interesting. “Have you ever topped?” he asks.

I snort, which turns into a giggle, then full-blown laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Julian asks, a bemused expression on his face.

“That,” I say through my almost manic laughter. “Who’s going to let me top them ?”

“I would. I would quite enjoy that, actually.” Something about the sincerity in his voice stops my laughter in its tracks and I stare at him with what I’m sure are wide eyes. Would he really? It feels unbelievable, but there’s nothing but honesty in his warm brown gaze. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks, and I nod, my throat dry. “Do I have permission to kiss you?”

“Now or?” I ask.

“Now and , darlin’. I’ll ask every time if I need to. But I’d also be happy if I could kiss you anytime I want.”

“Yeah,” I whisper, swallowing hard, my throat clicking. “Now and is good.”

He leans in, sealing his lips over mine, and the response in my body is instantaneous. I reach out a hand, gripping his t-shirt in my fist. Is kissing like this for everyone? It’s no wonder Ro’s always clinging to Beck when they kiss. I feel like if I didn’t have a grip on Julian, I’d be floating off into space.

I scramble into his lap, straddling his hips. I can feel the heat of his erection against mine, but not a single drop of the usual anxiety I feel in situations like this is there. “Touch me,” I whisper against his lips. He doesn’t even hesitate. He grips my hips, his large hands almost completely encompassing my waist.

I get lost in kissing him. It feels too good for me to even worry about if I’m doing it right, or if he’s enjoying himself. Honestly, his hard cock against mine and the steady stream of low groans he’s letting out tell me he definitely is. This is kind of everything. I pull back from him slowly, trying to drag air into my lungs. “Can I stay the night?” I whisper, scared to voice the question any louder.

Julian gives me a soft kiss, then another. Then he’s dropping kisses along my jaw and throat, hauling my body in tight against him so I’m pressed fully to his chest. I tip my head, giving him room to work as his lips move over my skin. “You can definitely stay,” he says, punctuating the words with another gentle brush of his lips against my throat.

“It’s not going to cause problems with Wren?” I ask. “I know parents can be hesitant about letting people around their kids.”

Julian’s deep chuckle washes over my skin. “You’re already around Wren, darlin’.”

“I know that. But it’s different, right?” Stop talking before he changes his mind, Hold.

Julian releases his hold on me and sits back fully against the couch. Fuck. See, Hold? Knew it. You talked him out of it. I bring my gaze to his, and the warm amusement in his eyes makes my heart skip a beat. “I trust you implicitly with Wren.” I open my mouth to argue, but he silences me with a soft kiss that has me whining into his mouth, thoughts of arguing forgotten. By the time he pulls away, I’m half dazed and have not a single clue what I was going to say. “Like I said, I trust you. And not because you’re a nurse. You’re an amazing person, and she really likes you.”

I nod slowly, my heart knocking around in my chest. “Okay,” I say. “Yeah, I’d like to stay.”

Julian’s smile takes my breath away. “Come on, then. Now that I know I have a chance to woo you, I’d like your scent to live in my sheets again.”

I start to climb off him, but he stands, lifting me effortlessly with him. I wrap my legs around his waist, and he tightens his grip on my sides. It’s a little awkward, but an electric jolt shoots through my body when I realize he’s holding me like that because he doesn’t want to touch my ass.

I think I trust him, though. Which is so strange to me. Sure, I trust Ro and Beck, but I’ve never not had my guard up with someone I’ve had a sexual relationship with.

I giggle. “You can hold me by my butt. If you’re going to be carrying me around, you may as well get a good grip on me so you don’t drop me.” I glance down at the floor and look back at him with a smirk. “It’s quite a big drop from way up here.”

He laughs, but adjusts his hands one at a time until he’s supporting my weight with his hands under my ass. He carries me off to his room, depositing me on his bed. “Oh, I don’t have any clothes,” I mumble. I guess I could sleep in my underwear, but I’d rather not. In case Wren needs something in the middle of the night. Julian wordlessly walks to his closet, pulls a t-shirt out and hands it to me.

I stand, pulling my shirt over my head quickly, pausing when Julian lets out a choked sort of noise. I glance at him, and he is studiously avoiding looking at me. “Should I be offended that you’re not watching me undress?” I ask, humor lacing my tone.

He shakes his head. “Oh, no. I definitely want to watch, but I’m trying to be respectful.”

Fuck, I’m going to lose my heart to this man so fast. I chuckle to cover the pang of fear and longing that twists my stomach at that thought. “You can watch, if you’d like.”

He turns his gaze to me slowly, his eyes widening as he takes me in. I watch as his throat bobs with a heavy swallow. “That belly button ring should be against the Geneva Convention.”

I glance down at the small bar in my belly button. “You like that, huh?”

“I definitely do,” he mumbles, his eyes glued to my body. I unbutton my jeans and drop them to the ground, quickly slipping my arms into the shirt Julian handed me. When I pull it over my head, I can’t help but giggle at myself because it looks more like a dress than a shirt. It’s so comfortable, though, and it smells like him—some sort of woodsy scent that makes my eyes threaten to roll back in my head.

When my eyes find his, he’s staring at me with open lust in his expression. “You look…” he says, his voice trailing off.

“Like a child?” I ask, giggling again at the ridiculousness of what I’m wearing.

Julian shakes his head slowly, his gaze burning into me. “No. Not like a child at all. I probably shouldn’t say what you look like, lest I send you running for the hills.” He chuckles and darts toward me. Fear explodes in my stomach for a split second before he sweeps me into his arms and lifts me up, holding me tightly against his body. I relax into his hold immediately, and he buries his face in my throat and inhales deeply.

He climbs into bed, and a spike of trepidation shoots through me at the thought of him covering me with his body, but he doesn’t. He lies on his back, holding me to him the entire time. I raise my head and look down at him. His eyes are sparkling, and I can’t resist leaning in to kiss him again. The feel of his lips against mine seems to have opened the floodgates, and now I can’t get enough.