Page 21 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)
Chapter Twenty
Julian
I love you too, pretty girl.
Those words are playing on repeat over and over in my mind as I watch Holden back up and head out of the driveway. I couldn’t even open my mouth and speak to him. Hell, I could barely even look at him. I don’t think I fully understood how fucking hard it would be to keep the I love you that wanted to break free inside. I couldn’t say a single word to him because I was sure if I opened my mouth, those three words would come flying out like word vomit.
I watch until his car disappears from view.
I love you too, pretty girl.
“Hey, Wren?” I ask, turning to her.
She doesn’t bother looking away from the small cars she’s playing with on the living room floor. “Yeah, Daddy?”
“Do you wanna go see Mamaw and Poppy for a little bit?”
She drags her attention from her toys and looks at me. She gives me a little shrug. “Wanna see Holden.” Fuck, baby girl. I wanna see Holden too.
“We will,” I say, dropping to the floor next to her. “But can we go visit Mamaw and Poppy for a little first?”
She nods, deep brown eyes locked onto mine. “Sure,” she says with another shrug. “Then see Holden?”
“Yeah, baby girl. And then we’ll go see Holden.”
“Okay, Daddy,” she says with a grin, standing up with a car in each hand.
“Go potty before we leave.”
She drops her cars and heads to the bathroom while I gather her toys and put them away, before taking off to her bedroom to grab her little go bag. I hate that we even have to have this, but I’m hoping we can get some answers today. Oddly enough, my anxiety levels about the whole thing are so much better than they were before. Something about Holden’s calm confidence makes me feel better—more stable and secure. I know everything will be okay—even if it’s not—because this time I’m not alone. I have him.
Wren and I step into the living room at the same time. “Did you wash your hands well, baby girl?” I ask. She holds up wet hands to show me and I chuckle. “Let’s get them dried off, yeah?”
“Okay,” she says, running toward the kitchen. I follow her, grab some paper towels, and help her dry her hands.
“Okie doke. All dry,” I say, giving her a grin and a nose boop that has her giggling.
When we pull into the driveway at Ruby and Henry’s, Henry is mowing, and he waves at us from the mower, stopping and turning it off to tell us that Ruby’s in the house cleaning. I nod and he starts the mower back up.
Wren and I walk up the path to their front door, and we head in without knocking. “Ruby?” I call out, not wanting to startle her.
“Oh, hello, my favorite people.” She peeks around me as she approaches. “No Holden today?” Just the reminder of the man threatens to derail me, so I shake my head, trying to keep myself collected.
I love you too, pretty girl.
“I was hoping you’d keep Wren for me for a bit. Just an hour or so at the most.”
Ruby shoots me a concerned look as Wren takes off running toward her bedroom here. “You know I’ll keep her anytime you need me to. Is everything okay?”
My head tries to shake and nod all at once, and Ruby chuckles. “Everything’s alright,” I mumble. “I’m taking Wren to the hospital today. Hopefully, we can get some answers, but I… I really need to talk to Maya.” The words come out in a hoarse whisper, and Ruby’s face softens in understanding.
“You could have done worse than that sweet man. My daughter would be so happy for you, Julian. So are we.”
I nod, unable to speak around the tightness in my throat for a second. “I love him. I need to tell her,” I finally get out.
Ruby reaches out, cupping my cheeks in her hands. She’s even smaller than Holden, and it’s almost comical how far she has to reach. Almost. But I’m having a hard time not breaking down in tears. “You do what you need to do, okay? We are so thrilled for you, and for Wren. He seems like such an amazing young man.” He is. There aren’t even words in the English language to describe how amazing he is. He’s pure and sweet and guarded and perfection, and I need him like I need air. I feel like I can’t breathe with how much I love him.
I pull Ruby into a hug, and soak in the mom warmth for a minute. When I release her, my cheeks are a little wet, but that’s alright. “I’ll be back soon,” I whisper.
I sit down on the grass in front of Maya’s grave. I used to come here all the time. Especially in the beginning, when the weight of losing her was fresh, when I couldn’t eat or sleep or fucking breathe through the grief. I didn’t get a lot of time to break down because I had to take care of Wren, but I used to come here and sit and cry and talk to her. About my life, how much I missed her, how much I wished I could have her back, how much Wren had grown, the new things she was doing, how big she was getting, and how smart she was. As the grief faded, so did the visits. I still come, but not as much as I used to.
I inhale a shuddering breath. “Hey, My,” I whisper, my emotions already choking my throat.
“I met someone.” I exhale shakily, tears filling my eyes. “He’s… God, Maya, he’s truly incredible.” I let out a wet laugh. “You’d love him, I think. Which is a strange thing for me to say, I’m sure.”
I reach out and trace her name on the stone. “He’s sweet. And fierce.”
I sit in silence for a while, trying to keep myself from crying. I take a few deep breaths to compose myself. It works, kind of. Until I try to talk again. “The first time I met him, we hooked up with each other. He was my first, after you. I wanted it to be… I don’t know. Easy. Simple. But then he blew me away. Fuck, this is probably not appropriate to say to you.”
I have to stop again. Between the tears and the fear and the grief I haven’t felt in so long, it’s too much.
“You were my best friend, My,” I get out, tears pouring unchecked down my face. “You were always the person I could talk to. That’s part of what made losing you so hard.”
I sniffle, wiping the tears from my face, more taking their place instantly. “I, um, I had to take Wren to the hospital. She’s sick. We don’t know what’s wrong with her. I had a panic attack. He talked me through it, pulled me right back to myself. Oh. I should probably mention that he’s her nurse. That’s how I met him again.”
I drop my hand from the gravestone and pick at the blades of grass in front of me. “He’s so good with her. She told him she loved him today. It scared the shit out of me, My. But he said it right back. He didn’t even hesitate.”
“I’m scared,” I whisper. “He’s so good, Maya. I haven’t felt this way about someone since you. I didn’t even think I wanted to feel this way again, you know? I had you and then you gave me Wren. And then I lost you. I lost you, My. I walked around for what felt like a lifetime with my heart broken. Missing you. What if I lose him too?”
I slide my fingers through the grass, trying to collect myself. “I barely survived losing you. But God, My. I love him. I don’t think I can not give it a try with him, you know? I fell so quickly it was almost a little messed up.”
I glance back at her grave, staring at her name. She was taken from me and from Wren far too soon. We should have had more time. They should have gotten more time. “I love you. You know that, right? I always will.”
I force a deep breath into my lungs. “I’m sorry if this is weird for you, truly. I felt like I needed to talk to you about it, though, you know?”
I shrug. “You feel like the perfect person to talk to. God knows, I don’t have anyone else. But I think I’d like to have him. I know I would, actually.” My voice cuts off as I choke on my tears. I bury my face in my hands, letting them wash over me. Letting myself feel it.
When my tears stop, I feel lighter. Still scared. But lighter. “I have to tell him, and hope that he loves me too.” I stand and touch the top of her gravestone. “Thanks for letting me talk, My. I’ll bring him to meet you soon.”
I realize halfway to the hospital that I forgot my phone at home. Which fucking sucks. But I’m almost to Holden, and that’s really all I need. Wren bounces excitedly on her toes as the elevator climbs up the floors. As soon as the doors open, I spy Holden. His eyes lock on me immediately, and he’s jumping up and rushing toward us.
I love you.
He falters for a second when he sees my face. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, worried once again that if I open my mouth, I’m going to blurt out my feelings. Something flashes across Holden’s face. There and gone so quickly, I almost miss it. He’s hiding from me. I hate that. Tell him. “You’re scaring me. Please talk to me,” he says, voice a raspy whisper. He can hide his face from me, but not his voice.
I cup his face in my hand, needing to touch him so badly I can’t resist. I feel raw and achy inside and God, I need him so badly, but now is not the time or place. “I’m okay, Hold.” Well, where did that come from? “Is it okay if I call you that?”
He smirks, but it falls flat. “I much prefer darlin’, but Hold works too.”
I love you. Please, please love me too.
I nod, scared to open my mouth.
“If you call me CT, though, we’re going to have real problems.”
I try to smile at him, but I can tell by the look on his face, it’s not working the way I want it to. He brightens. “Okay, let’s get you two in a room, and I’ll call the doctor to let them know you’re here.”
I follow the motion of his bobbing throat with my eyes. He’s nervous. My sweet darlin’ is scared. Tell him. Tell him, Julian.
He drops to his knees to talk to Wren before I can get my mouth to work. I get so entranced in watching his face as he talks to her that I don’t even notice he’s standing until I hear his voice, but realize I didn’t actually hear what he said. I wince, not wanting to ask him to repeat it, but upset with myself for getting lost in my head.
He turns and leads us into a room. Wren tugs me along, wanting to follow her Holden, so I take off too. To my utter shock, when he gets us settled, he doesn’t stay. It’s possible he’s busy, I guess. But he hands me a remote, shows me the call button, gives me a fake smile, and tears out of the room.
We sit in the room for a while. I don’t bother turning on the TV, and Wren plays with the remote while I try to figure out why Holden didn’t stay in here with us.
A couple of minutes later, the door opens, and a grim-faced Holden walks in. “Hey guys, I’m afraid I have some bad news.” It’s clear he’s trying to hide behind a professional facade. But unlike the first time, I know him. I know he’s hiding from me. What I don’t understand is why.
My mind goes fuzzy around the edges as he explains that Dr. Mays wants to do a bone marrow biopsy to test for leukemia. My blood is whooshing in my ears. All the fear I’d managed to shove down the last few weeks in the face of Holden’s competency is rising so quickly that it almost suffocates me.
He’s still talking, but I can’t hear anything he’s saying. I can’t think of anything past the fear ricocheting through my body.
He holds out a paper to me. “Do you understand?” I don’t. Not at all, but I trust him with my life. With Wren’s life. So I nod and take the papers from him, giving them a cursory scan before signing my name.
I hand them back to him with numb fingers. He gives me a detached, professional smile, and leaves again.
It could be minutes or hours before Dr. Mays and Holden walk back in, but when they do, Dr. Mays wastes no time getting right down to business. “We’re going to take her to oncology to do this.” My blood freezes in my veins at his words. I can’t do that.
No. I really can’t.
“Can you give us a second?” I hear Holden ask.
I have no idea what Doctor Asshole says, but then Holden is in my face, holding my jaw in his hands. I reach up, gripping his wrists. “It’s going to be okay, Julian. I promise.” I nod, but I’m not convinced. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel to take both of them, right? What kind of sick fucking joke would that be?
“You can do this,” he murmurs. I nod again. I focus on the different shades of green in his eyes, and the dark lashes surrounding them. As my breathing returns to normal, I realize that his thumbs are rubbing back and forth over my jaw, his touch light and tentative. Nothing like the death grip I have on him.
“We’re going to a procedure room, okay? It’s actually right outside the hall. We won’t be on the actual floor. It’s going to be okay.” I focus on his voice and his words. “Would you like me to get you something for the anxiety?” he asks softly, not a hint of judgement in his voice.
“No,” I croak. “I need to be present for Wren.”
He hesitates, but nods. “Okay, then. Are you okay to go now?”
I nod, taking a deep breath. “Yeah.”
Holden drops his hands from my face, and I feel the loss immediately, but I try to focus on Wren. He gets her situated in a wheelchair, telling her we’re going to go for a ride. She laughs, but there is none of the usual happiness on Holden’s face at the sound.
I follow him out of the room where Doctor Asshole is waiting, and the four of us make our way to the elevators. I want so badly to reach out and take Holden’s hand, to take comfort from him. To offer him comfort. Because if he does love Wren, and I believe he does, this has to be killing him too. I want to take both of them away from here, back home, wrap them up in my arms, and never let go. I focus on the dark waves of Holden’s hair as we walk toward the oncology floor, my steps heavy and filled with reluctance.
Once we’re tucked away in a room, Holden steps out and comes back a few minutes later with a bunch of stuff that I have no hope of figuring out. But within the pile of things is a giant-ass needle. I lock my eyes on his face, taking in his stark beauty instead of the needle that I’m sure is going to be deep inside my daughter’s small body.
Time seems to pass in a blur. Everything is a little fuzzy. But I hold Wren’s hand as Holden whispers to her. There’s a sharp, pained cry from her. It makes me feel like the world’s shittiest parent, but I can’t even look at her. Instead, I hold her hand, pray to a God I don’t believe in, and keep staring at Holden. Which is how I noticed the tears welling up in his eyes when she cried out, how I notice he turns his head, looks away from her, tries to compose himself. Fails and tries again. I watch as he looks back at her when he finally has control of himself. Tells her in a choked-off, tear-filled voice that he’s so sorry. That everything will be okay. That he’s so sorry again.
I watch as he turns his head. I keep my eyes glued to him, taking in his expressions—the heavy bob of his throat, the quiver in his chin, the way he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and bites down hard.
It’s over almost as quickly as it starts, and I look down at Wren. She’s staring up at Holden like she doesn’t quite understand what he just did to her. He’s talking to her softly, and she nods at him. Her tear-stained face breaks my heart and his too, if his reactions were anything to go by.
He locks his eyes on mine. He opens and closes his mouth, like he wants to speak but can’t. Doctor Asshole steps out of the room with the sample he just took from my daughter’s hip, and Holden almost breaks. I watch it happen. His eyes well up, his bottom lip shakes. But then he clenches his jaw, clears his throat, and stands up straight, putting on a brave face I know he doesn’t feel at all.
“I’ll get someone to take you back to your room,” he says, his voice even and restrained. “We’ll keep her for a bit to make sure she doesn’t have any bad reactions, and we’ll get her something for pain relief. Some soreness will be normal over the next few days, but if it doesn’t get better, bring her back in. They’ll want to make sure nothing else is going on. We should have prelim results within the next few days, but it could be up to two weeks.”
He’s fully in professional mode. I get it. I wish I had something I could hide behind, but I don’t. I need him. I need his strength. I honestly don’t even need that. I need him to cry with me. I need to hold him and let him hold me and share this awful fucking burden. I need to put down the weight for a second and have him help me carry it.
I need to tell him I love him.
He tears out of the room before I get a chance.