Page 41 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Forty

Julian

T he second Holden settles himself on my lap and takes me inside of him, a single tear tracks down his face. I watch him carefully, ready to stop everything happening if I need to.

He lifts up slowly and drops back down, his breath catching in his chest as a soft sob flies from his lips. “Hold? I’m gonna need some words.”

“This feels… it feels oh… oh God. S’good,” he slurs. Perfect. Thank God. He rises again. The tight slide of his body has me digging my nails into my palm. The urge to touch him and make him feel good is so strong I almost can’t resist. But I’ll be damned if I ruin this moment for him. Everyone has taken his power from him, but I won’t.

His ass cheeks hit my hand, so I pull it away, and he slides the rest of the way down, fully engulfing my cock in the tight heat of his body. He feels like heaven. Like actual fucking heaven. I’ve never felt this connected to anyone in my entire life. But I barely even notice my own pleasure. I’m too consumed with his—his closed eyes, the part in his lips, the black liner running down his cheeks from his earlier tears, the way his brows are pulled together like he’s confused about how good he feels.

“Jules,” he gasps, rocking his hips a little faster as a sheen of sweat breaks out over his skin and his fingers dig into my chest. “Touch me. Why aren’t you touching me? You should always be touching me. Always, always, always. ”

My cock pulses hard inside him, and for a second, I worry the pleasure-drunk sound of his voice is gonna tip me over the edge. No fucking way am I gonna let that happen, though. I bring a hand to his hip, and use the other to grip his cock. I give it a slow stroke and his hips lose their rhythm. It doesn’t take him long to get it back and within seconds, he’s bouncing on my cock. Holy fuck. My eyes roll back as I drag a deep breath into my lungs. If I were a praying man, I’d be begging for God to help me hold off until he comes.

He makes a choked sound, and I turn my attention back to his face, worried that something’s wrong. It takes no time at all to realize that’s not the case. His chest hitches as he groans low in his throat. “Fuck, Jules. Oh, God.”

I give the head of his cock a gentle squeeze and he arches his back. He rolls his lips, his body jerking as he finds the perfect spot. He does the same slow roll of his hips, whimpering as he jolts on top of me again. “That’s it, darlin’. Take what you need.”

His eyes fly open. “You. I need you.”

I tighten my grip on his hip. “You have me. Always.”

He nods rapidly. I stroke him from base to tip as he rolls his hips. He starts to shake. “Oh. I’m… I… I’m gonna come. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck .” His chest heaves, and he starts sobbing. “Julian?”

“It’s okay, darlin’,” I whisper, speeding up my strokes to his cock. I know he has to be overwhelmed. Fuck, I’m overwhelmed, and I’ve felt what he’s feeling right now.

He’s so fucking perfect. His body tightens around me and my cock throbs heavily. Fuck, Julian. Keep it together. He whimpers, his body shuddering as he explodes. I stroke him through his orgasm as he cries and shakes, doing exactly what I told him to and taking what he needs. It’s exactly what I need too. Watching him take this for himself, watching the pleasure spread across his face, pulls me over the edge with him.

He stares down at me in shock for a second, then collapses against my chest, his breathing ragged. I pull my hand from between our bodies and wrap both my arms around his back, holding him firmly to me. “Are you okay, Holden?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Are you?”

I bury my face in his sweaty waves and breathe in his scent. “Oh, I’m perfect, darlin’. I love you so much.”

He hums, his breathing slowly returning to normal. “I love you too.”

He falls asleep in seconds, his face tucked against my chest. I know in a few minutes, I’ll have to get up and get us both cleaned up. But for now, I’m content to hold him and revel in how fucking perfect that was. How much he trusted me. How thankful I am for the gift he just gave me.

“Are you ready, Wren?” Wren looks up at Holden with a grin. If only I could find a way to muster one myself. Today is the day we’re getting admitted to the hospital. It came so much sooner than I expected. So much sooner than I was planning for. So soon, in fact, that I haven’t even been able to see my doctor and get a prescription for anxiety meds. It’s fine, really. Actually, it’s not. I feel like I’m barely hanging on.

“Yes, Hold. Ready,” she says as she holds her arms up for him to pick her up.

I don’t think I fully grasped just how much the Xanax was affecting me because even though I’m feeling the low-level buzz of anxiety, the self-doubt and anger with myself that I usually feel is nowhere to be found. It’s the strangest thing. This? What I’m feeling right now is almost manageable. Sure, it would be easier if I had medication, but I feel like I can actually handle it.

I did some more research after finding out about paradoxical reactions, and it feels like it fit my symptoms to a T. The depression, the agitation, the heightened anxiety while actively taking medication for anxiety. It’s just one more thing I can thank Holden for noticing and fixing for me. I smile as he picks up Wren and carries her through the house.

I’m honestly so nervous about this. I know that it’s what we have to do. I know it’s not the same as it was with Maya. I know that I’ll get to bring her home in the end. Or, I guess, the chances are much greater anyway. But knowing that my daughter has to have chemo to essentially wipe the slate clean for the marrow transplant, knowing that there’s a chance she’ll end up sick like Maya and that there’s nothing I can do about it? It’s a hard pill to swallow.

But I just have to have faith that everything will be okay. I have a support system this time. I have help. I don’t have to do it all alone.

“You ready, Jules?” Holden’s softly spoken question pulls me from my thoughts.

I nod. “As ready as I’m ever going to be.”

He adjusts Wren until she’s on his hip and then holds his hand out to me. I take it with zero hesitation. “Ro and Beck are both meeting us at the hospital, and I texted Ruby to make sure that her and Henry were still coming too, and they are.”

I give his hand a squeeze. He’s my lifeline right now. I would say I feel badly about that, but I can’t. I’m too damn thankful to have it. To have him. “Sounds good, darlin’.”

Grabbing the handle of the suitcase we packed, I drag it behind me as we head out the door and toward the car.

The room we’re in is full to brimming. Roman and Beck are sitting in the same chair, with Roman on Beck’s lap talking to Ruby and Henry. Holden is in a deep conversation with Lydia that I’m trying to tune out because it’s all very medical jargon, that is, quite honestly, scaring the shit out of me. Which is how I find myself sitting on the hospital bed beside Wren, holding her hand. “Hey, baby girl. You feeling okay?”

She nods with a smile. “Yes, Daddy. I’m okay.”

It’s a relief, of course, but I don’t have high hopes. Remembering how sick chemo made Maya is making it really hard for me to focus on the positives of this situation. All I can think about is my little girl losing her beautiful curls, watching her be unable to eat, and worrying about how her tiny body is going to withstand something like this.

“It’s not the same, you know.” Holden places a hand on the side of my neck, rubbing his thumb along my pulse point in a soothing way.

I lean into his touch. “What’s not?”

“The chemo. I mean, yeah, the chemo is the same. But it’s not the same. Maya had aggressive cancer that needed to be treated aggressively. This is not like that. We’re essentially knocking out her marrow so that yours can do its job without rejecting.”

I nod. He’s explained this to me before, of course. He’s been wonderful with answering my thousands of questions, but I’m still worried about it. “I know, Hold.”

He leans into me, pressing his lips to my temple. “I know you’re worried. I am too. She’s a tough girl, and she’ll make it through.”

“Tough like her mommy,” Ruby says, sitting down beside me. “Come here, miss Wren. Come give Mamaw hugs.”

Wren does. Climbing across the bed and settling herself in Ruby’s lap. Ruby gives her a hug, then pulls back and brushes her curls off her forehead. “Are we going to sweet talk Daddy Hold into braiding your hair for us again?”

Wren grins, but Holden and I both let out simultaneous gasps. Holden’s grip tightens on my neck as my heart takes off in a gallop. “Daddy Hold?” Holden says softly. Reverently.

Ruby looks up at him. “Yes, if you’d be so inclined.”

Leave it to her to jump right into the deep end. This woman gives zero fucks and will call it like she sees it every single time. “I couldn’t,” Holden says quietly after a minute. My heart drops. It makes sense, though. I get it. “I… she already… she has—” His voice cuts off abruptly, and his fingers are trembling where they’re still gripping my neck.

Ruby raises an eyebrow. “She already has what? A dad? I know you’re not insinuating that she can’t have two? And what if you have more kids, huh? Would only one of you be a dad to them?”

I almost want to laugh, truly I do. But I can’t. Because my heart is racing, and my stomach is doing nervous flips. And I’m waiting, waiting, waiting to see what Holden is going to say.

For a long while, he says nothing, and I hold my breath. I hold my breath long enough that my lungs burn. And burn. And burn some more.

Finally, he says, “Julian?” And I allow myself to exhale.

His tone is subdued. Questioning. Disbelieving.

There’s still a tremor in his hand.

I tilt my head back to look at him, and the love and longing and pure fucking want shining in the depths of his green eyes makes my heart lodge itself in my throat. I clear my throat and try for a smile. “Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Tears well up in his eyes, and before he can stop it, he lets out a little sob. I wrap an arm around his waist and tug him into my lap, where he buries his face in my chest. “Really?” he whispers.

I bury my face in his hair, trying to control my own wayward emotions so I can talk and tell him that, yes, I so fucking mean it. And that I would be honored. And that Wren would be the luckiest little girl in the world to have him as her dad. But Ruby beats me to it. “I can’t speak for Julian, but I think you’d be a wonderful dad to our Wren. Isn’t that right, little one?”

Wren giggles and Holden shudders against me. “I agree,” I somehow manage to say. His shoulders shake and his chest hitches as he cries quietly in my lap. I rub his back until he finally calms. When he sits up, he quickly dashes at his eyes. Ruby taps my arm and I glance over to see that she’s handing me a Kleenex, which is for the best. The downsides of having a boyfriend who loves eyeliner is that said eyeliner tends to make a mess from time to time.

“Here, darlin’. Look at me.” Holden raises his gaze to mine, and I use the tissue to gently wipe away the smudged black under his eyes. When it’s as cleaned up as it’s going to get, I lean in and press a soft kiss to his lips. “Perfect.”

Ruby clears her throat, and Holden and I both turn to look at her. She smiles, then reaches out a hand to cup Holden’s chin. “You’re going to be exceptional. Maya would love you.”

I don’t really have it in me to think about that. Because if Maya were still here, I wouldn’t have Holden. And I couldn’t imagine trading one for the other. But I’m glad that Ruby approves at any rate.

“Thank you,” Holden whispers, giving Ruby a shy smile.

Wren is sleeping between Holden and me with an IV in her arm. Holden is absently twirling her hair around his fingers, humming softly. I’m not even sure if he’s aware that he’s doing it. I can’t drag my eyes away from him. It’s clear how much love he has for Wren, and how much love she has for him. She didn’t even want me tonight. As soon as we climbed into her bed with her, she turned and snuggled right into Holden’s chest. I can’t even be upset about it.

Not when he takes such good care of her. Not when being there for us means so much to him. Not when he cried in my arms at the mere thought of being her dad.

“Hey, Holden.” I keep my voice low. Not that I really need to. Wren’s not going to wake up.

He slowly opens his eyes and finds mine in the mostly dark room. “Yeah?”

“You’re okay with this, right?”

His eyebrows pull together. “Okay with what?”

“If she calls you dad . Being her dad,” I whisper. I think he is, but I also don’t want him to feel pressured. It’s one thing to agree when you’re in a room full of people, but I need to make sure he agrees even without that. That he’s truly okay with it. He doesn’t have to be her dad. He can just be her Holden.

He smiles. “Yeah, I’d… I would really like that,” he whispers back. “If you’re okay with it. I don’t want to step on any toes or make you uncomfortable.”

I shake my head. “No. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I really like the idea of us being a family, darlin’. With the white picket fence and two point five kids and all that.”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I want that too.”

“Marriage, too,” I blurt out, and his eyes widen. “I know it’s too soon for that. But eventually, yeah? Do you want that?”

Holden nods slowly. “I get to take your name, right?”

My heart thuds heavily in my chest. Holden Foster. “Yeah, darlin’. You definitely get to take my name.”

He grins. “I guess I just assumed you didn’t want marriage.”

“Why would you think that?”

He gives a one shoulder shrug. “You said that your parents disowned you for the baby born out of wedlock. That was an easy fix.”

That draws a chuckle out of me. “Maya didn’t want marriage. Not that I would have married her just to keep my parents happy. I don’t do well with ultimatums.”

“Oh. Why didn’t she want marriage? It’s not like she didn’t have a great example.”

“She was a free spirit. She just didn’t want to get married. It didn’t matter much to me either way.”

Holden hums. “But now?”

“Now, I’d very much like to be married to you. If that’s something you want.”

His eyes widen, almost comically. “Is that you asking?”

I shake my head with a laugh. “No, darlin’. When I ask, you’ll know it.”

He doesn’t say anything to that, but he does give me a blinding smile and lean over Wren to kiss me. “We should try to get some sleep. It’s going to be a long week,” he whispers.

I sigh. “You’re right. I love you. Thank you for being mine, Holden. I’m thankful every single day that the stars aligned for us in that bar that night.”

“I love you too, Jules.”