Page 40 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Holden
W e didn’t end up moving any of my stuff into Julian’s. His headspace was a lot better, but his body was still run down. Instead, we opted to have lazy days at home. We spent most of our time educating Wren on all the Disney Princesses she’d been missing out on with her obsession with a certain ice queen.
There was a lot of cuddling, midday naps, and time spent just enjoying being around each other. Overall, it was really nice. But neither of us really had the energy or the desire to get out of the house or our little bubble to go pack up the rest of my stuff. Not that it really matters. I’ve been spending the majority of my time here for weeks anyway, so I’ve pretty much already taken over Julian’s closet.
This morning we got a call from the hospital about coming in for the results of everyone’s HLA testing, though, so now we’re loaded up in the car, heading to the hospital for what I sincerely hope is good news. I’m not sure how Julian is going to handle it if it’s not. He’s got an appointment with his doctor about something to help his anxiety, but he’s definitely not the slightest bit interested in taking any more Xanax. Not that I can blame him.
Julian reaches across the console and takes my hand, giving it a little squeeze. “It’s going to be good news, right?”
I squeeze his right back. “I hope so.”
Of course, I know it’s possible that none of us will be a match and even if one of us is, it’s still going to be a long road. I’m hopeful, though. And I genuinely have a feeling that everything is going to work out.
When we pull into the hospital, Julian takes a deep breath. I turn to him before we get out. “Are you alright?”
He nods. “Yeah, just trying to keep a level head. It’s all going to be okay.”
I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince me or himself. “You’re right. It’s all going to be okay.”
As we walk into the hospital, Wren is between us, one of her hands in Julian’s and the other in mine. She’s all smiles, and I wish I could bottle that resilience. It’s one thing I’m finding that I love about working in pediatrics. Even when these kids are down, fighting tough battles, sick and scared, they simply don’t give up. They have a tenacity that most adults could benefit from having. They don’t let things get them down. Not only that, but they almost always approach the world with a smile. That strength is admirable.
In no time, we’re checked in and waiting in a room. God, I hope we get good news. Julian and I sit beside the hospital bed Wren is currently occupying, watching her play a game on my phone. I may or may not have downloaded a coloring game for her. It was an ad that had popped up on her counting game, and God knows I couldn’t turn her down when she asked me to help her download it.
There’s a knock on the door, and I sit up straighter as Lydia and Dr. Mays come into the room.
Lydia has her signature smile on her face, but Dr. Mays is stoic. I don’t know why he dislikes me so much. I mean, yeah, I ripped his ass. But it’s my job to advocate for my patients, and he didn’t like me before that. I’d imagine it’s probably the very obviously gay thing. Beck is lucky in that he can hide if he wants to. Not that he does. He doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of him.
Dr. Mays glances at the two of us. “As you know, we have some results from the HLA testing.” Julian tenses beside me. Please be good news. Please, please be good news . “You appear to be a match, Julian. You’re a fifty percent match, which means you can donate.”
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard this much kindness in Dr. Mays’ voice. And thank God because I’m so fucking relieved and stressed and all the emotions that I can’t handle another confrontation with him. Julian pats the couch beside him blindly, and it takes me a second to realize he’s looking for my hand. I reach over and give it to him. The second he twines his fingers with mine, he squeezes them half to death. “So, I’m a match? We can… it’ll work?”
Lydia gives him a soft smile as Dr. Mays continues, explaining what will have to happen to get her ready for transplant, the risks of not having a full one hundred percent match, and how the healing process will be. I zone him out because my mind is racing. Julian is a match, which means that when Wren gets this transplant, she’ll be in the hospital for close to two months, at minimum. I can’t work my normal hours and still be here for them. “Lydia.” Dr. May’s stops talking, sneering at me for interrupting him. “Sorry about that. Lydia, can I talk to you in the hall?”
She nods. Turning to Julian, I give his hand a gentle squeeze and pull mine free. “I’ll be right back.” I drop a kiss to his head as I stand, then follow Lydia out the door.
“Are you okay, love?”
I nod. “Yeah, I… uh… I think I need to take time off work. How do I do that? I know I haven’t been here long. But I have some PTO. Is there anything else I can do after that’s used?”
She grins. “Well, I’m the charge nurse, love. So I can make sure you get the time off you need. When do you want to start?”
“As soon as she’s hospitalized. I need to be here for them. I can’t do that and work my current schedule.”
She nods, pulling me into a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Holden. I’ll make sure you get your time off. Do you want me to stop scheduling you, or do you want to use your PTO?”
I have quite a big nest egg saved up. Waste not, want not and all that. Plus, Beck won’t take a single penny from me. So truthfully, it doesn’t matter to me either way. “I’ll save the PTO, if you’re sure it won’t be a problem.”
She releases me, giving me a sweet kiss on the forehead. “It won’t be a problem at all.”
“Okay. I bet he’s freaking out. I better get back in there.” And it’s probably even worse without his medication.
“Let’s go then.”
I head back into the room with Lydia. The second I step inside, Julian’s eyes lock onto mine and his lips tilt up at the corner. Huh, so he’s not freaking out after all.
Dr. Mays looks back at me, then turns to Julian. “If you don’t have any questions?”
Julian shakes his head. “No. Nothing that I can think of right now.”
“Alright. Please let me know if that changes,” Dr. Mays says, then he and Lydia walk out together.
I cautiously approach Julian, not quite sure what to expect. He smiles at me, but there’s a hint of worry in his eyes. “Are you okay, Jules?” He holds his hands out to me. I do him one better and climb into his lap. His arms wrap around me instantly.
My fingers find their way into his hair as he inhales deeply. He still hasn’t answered me, though, and that’s making me a bit nervous. “Jules?”
He hums, burying his face in my hair and inhaling again. “I’m okay, darlin’. This is good news. And sure, we have a long way to go, but I know that we’ll make it through. I’m mostly relieved. It’s like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you know?”
I do know. It’s a distant light because this will be a long process, but I’m glad he has a good outlook on it. “I told Lydia I needed off work when Wren gets her transplant.”
Julian pulls back quickly and cups my face in his hands. “You didn’t have to do that. I know how much you love your job, Hold. We can handle things.”
I shrug. “Yeah, I know. And I do love my job. But it’s not like I’m quitting. I’m just taking some time off to make sure you and Wren are taken care of. It’s not a hardship. I’m happy to. I want to.”
Julian sighs, then drops his lips to mine. “Part of me wants to tell you not to do that. But something tells me I won’t win, so instead I’ll just thank you and let you know how grateful I am for you.”
I grin at him. “I’m glad you’re finally learning that I’m always right.”
“Phone died, Hold,” Wren says, so I turn to where she’s sitting on the bed. She holds my phone out to me. She’s been perfectly content playing on the coloring app. Maybe for her birthday, I’ll buy her an iPad. I wonder how mad Julian would be at me if I made his daughter an iPad kid. She grins at me, all toothy and bright. Yeah, it’d be worth it.
I stand and take the phone from her and slip it into my pocket. “Are you ready to head home, pretty girl?”
“Yes. Carry me, Hold.” She holds her arms up in the air, so I scoop her up and prop her on my hip.
When I turn back to Julian, he’s smiling at us. “You ready to go?”
He stands. “Yes, sir. I have bad news, though.” I narrow my eyes at him, but it doesn’t affect his grin. “Ruby wants Wren for the night. And since we’ll be spending quite a bit of time at the hospital in the near future, I can’t deny them.”
I sigh heavily. It’s put upon, of course. I’m glad she has such a loving family who wants her around and supports her. “Fine. I guess if we have to.”
He leans in close. Until his lips are right against my ear. “I was thinking we could use the time to get you moved in, and then we could celebrate.”
His words are a low rumble in my ear and yeah, okay, I’m on board with that. He steps back. “Are you ready to go see Mamaw, Wren?”
“Yes, yes, yes,” she chants. I press my lips to the side of her head and smile when she giggles. Damn, I love this kid.
“I love you, Wren.”
She giggles again. “Love you too, Hold. Mamaw’s house?”
“Mamaw’s house it is, pretty girl.” I drop another kiss on her cheek and take Julian’s hand. “Lead the way, Daddy.”
After we dropped Wren off at Ruby and Henry’s house for the night, we stopped by my house. Or, well, I guess not my house anymore. Since I’m now standing by Julian’s bed, unpacking clothes while he makes trips back and forth to the closet to put them away. We’ve worked out a pretty good system if I do say so myself.
“Are you doing alright, darlin’?” Julian steps back up to me, holding his hands out expectantly while I get another stack ready.
I grin at him. “Yeah, just didn’t realize how much clothing I had. You said come home and celebrate, and we’ve been unpacking for an hour.” I stick my lower lip out at him, only slightly playing. I’m really so down for, ahem, celebrating . And I’m sort of grumpy that we’re doing this instead.
Julian glances from me to the pile of clothes that are still on the bed. He pulls his lower lip between his teeth and narrows his eyes like he’s thinking really hard about something, and then he shrugs. “Fuck it.”
Fuck it? What does that even mean? He leans over the bed and scoops up all the rest of the clothes before unceremoniously dumping them on the floor in a heap. My jaw drops open. “Julian, what the fuck are you doing?”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “Celebrating.”
I don’t even have time to come up with a response because he lifts me up and throws me down on the bed. I would like it noted that I’m trying very hard to be stern and irritated, but I fear the giggle that flies from my lips gives me away.
Julian climbs up after me, covering my body with his. Well, that’s new. But not unwelcome. My stomach gives another flutter as he leans in and drops his lips to mine.
He’s careful to keep the majority of his weight from pressing me into the bed, but he still feels so fucking good on top of me. I bury my hands in his hair and drag him closer, slipping my tongue into his mouth.
His low groan sends sparks flying through my body, and my cock hardens rapidly against him. He deepens our kiss, his tongue finding its way into my mouth. It’s a little give and take and a lot hot. I’m getting better at this. Not to brag or anything. Bracing himself on one hand, he slides the other under my shirt, running his warm palm up my side as his thumb brushes along my stomach. I gasp against his lips, arching into his touch.
An unintelligible sound comes out of my mouth as heat spreads through me. He breaks our kiss and sits up, pulling his hand from my shirt. I’m about to argue when his deep brown eyes settle on mine. “Can I undress you?”
Oh fuck yes. I nod rapidly, and he wastes no time. He slides an arm behind me and sits me up. Yes. Hot. Love that. And lifts my shirt up and over my head, tossing it somewhere across the room. I giggle a bit because I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this way, and he chuckles along with me. “Sorry.”
I shake my head. “Nah, don’t be sorry.”
His lips tilt up in a smirk, then he’s dropping his gaze to my exposed upper body. “Jesus, Hold. You really don’t know how fucking sexy you look right now.”
He drops his mouth to my stomach and circles my belly ring with his tongue. I whimper, my hips rocking up on their own. Oh. That’s… not an erogenous zone I knew I had. Which, to be fair, before him, I never did anything like this. No one knew me or my body well enough to help me explore the things I like. He does it again, and I jolt, another needy sound leaving my lips. When he trails his tongue up my sternum, my chest heaves, my breath punching from my lungs. He glances up at me and pulls a nipple between his teeth. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. My fingers tangle back in his hair, trying to keep his mouth there because my God , are my nipples a direct line to my dick or something? “More,” I rasp, groaning when he listens and draws my nipple into his mouth.
He sucks and once again, I feel it in my cock. It throbs with each pull he gives my nipple. “Oh fuck, Julian.”
Julian releases my nipple and grins at me. “Feel good?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You know it does. Ugh. Keep going.”
He chuckles, then gives my other nipple the same treatment. My fingers tighten in his hair before letting go entirely. “Pants,” I mumble, my entire body tingling and hot.
He pulls off my nipple and looks at me. “Pants? I need more words, darlin’.”
He’s smirking. Asshole knows exactly what he’s doing and what I want. I glare playfully at him and he grins. “Alright, alright. Pants off. Got it.” He slips his fingers into the waistband of the sweats I’m wearing and pulls them down past my hips. My cock springs free and he groans. “Fuck, Hold. I love your cock.”
As if to prove his point, he rubs his thumb along the underside of it. I shiver, and my hips lift off the bed. “You too,” I groan. “Clothes. Pants. Off.”
He strips quickly and when he’s done, he finishes taking my pants off. He crawls over my body and presses himself back to me, capturing my mouth once again. He rocks against me, dragging his cock along my thigh as his stomach rubs over mine.
We kiss with abandon, our bodies writhing against each other. I need more. I want more. I’m ready for more. I know it as much as I know my own name. I don’t want it because I want to wash away someone else’s touch. I don’t want it because I’m scared. Quite the opposite, actually. I want him inside me because it’s him. It’s us . Fuck, I love him. I break our kiss. “Lube,” I murmur, and Julian groans before flicking his tongue against my lower lip and lifting off me. He rummages through his nightstand for a second, then tosses a bottle of lube onto the bed. He spreads his legs wide, holding his thigh back. I’m confused for a second until I realize he thinks I want to top him.
I mean, I do. I so fucking do. But not right now. “How do you want to do this?” I ask as I grab his free hand and push the bottle of lube into it.
He gives me a strange look. “However you want.” It sounds like a question, but he opens the lube and slicks his fingers. Anticipation rushes through me. Fuck, I want this so badly.
He drops a hand between his legs and circles his hole with his fingertips. “Wait a second,” I say, and he pauses instantly.
“What’s wrong? Do you want to do it instead?”
Um, yeah. That’s the whole point. But I’m realizing that he still hasn’t gotten the memo. I guess I’m going to have to be direct. “The lube is for me, Jules.”
His eyebrows pull together. “Well, why did you hand it to me, then? I assumed you wanted me to do it myself.”
Jesus Christ. I giggle. “I do. To me.”
His eyebrows damn near shoot to his hairline. “What? I need you to spell this out for me, Holden.”
I take a deep breath, more certain than I’ve ever been in my entire life. “I want you to fuck me.”
“No.”
My stomach drops out. “No? What the fuck do you mean no? You said that if I—”
That’s all I get out before I’m being pushed onto my back and kissed to within an inch of my life. My fingers scrabble for purchase on Julian’s back as he kisses me so thoroughly that my toes curl. He pulls back. “I’m not going to fuck you, darlin’. I’m going to make love to you, yeah? No fucking. Not that.”
My heart soars as my stomach swoops. “Yes. Okay. Please?”
He searches my eyes. “Anything you want. Promise me you’ll tell me if you want to stop.”
I can’t imagine a single scenario where I would want to stop, but I love that he wants to make sure I’m okay. “I promise.”
He closes his eyes and swallows hard, and when he opens them again, they’re full of love. Love for me. Fuck. “It means so much to me that you trust me with this, Hold. God, I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you too,” I murmur, pulling him to me and kissing him again. He lets me for a second, but then starts kissing his way down my jaw and along my neck. I tilt my head to the side, giving him better access. He adjusts until he can slide a hand under the back of my neck. Raising me up with his grip, he exposes more of my throat to him. I groan when he dips his tongue into the hollow of my throat.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good in my entire life. I’ve certainly never been this turned on. He works his way down my body, spending time sucking and licking my nipples before running his tongue over my belly button. My cock is so hard that it almost hurts. “Hurry up,” I whine, half-convinced that if he doesn’t get this show on the road, I’m gonna come untouched.
“Are you impatient, darlin’?”
I huff. “Yes. You’re killing me.”
He places a hand on my chest. “Pretty strong heartbeat for a dying man.”
“Julian,” I say, drawing his name out on a long moan when he dips his head and brushes his lips along my cock.
“Will you roll over?”
Don’t have to ask me twice. I flip over onto my stomach and rest my head on my arms. I tilt my hips back, positioning myself for him. He ignores that, choosing instead to give the same treatment to my back that he did my front. By the time that he’s kissed each knot of my spine, my hips are rocking into the bed, and I’m damn near delirious with need. He pauses when he gets to my lower back, and I’m about to reassure him that I’m good when he groans. “These fucking back dimples.”
I bury my face in the pillow, mostly to stifle the giggle that wants to break free. He doesn’t even seem to notice. His lips touch my lower back and his stubble scrapes over my ass. My hips arch back as a gasp leaves my lips. “Please, Julian. Please.”
“Roll back over for me.” I roll onto my back and stare up at him. “Fuck,” he murmurs, his eyes squeezing closed before opening again and settling on my face.
“Are you okay?” I ask, slightly worried that maybe he doesn’t want this.
“Oh, I’m so okay. You just… God, you’re so fucking gorgeous. Your hair’s a fucking wreck, Hold. All mussed and wild. And your eyes. God, don’t even get me started on your eyes.”
My lips quirk up in a smile as my heart flutters. “Please don’t make me wait anymore.”
He reaches over and grabs the lube, and once again, my stomach flips. I’m not nervous, though. I’m excited. So fucking excited.
I pull my legs back, exposing myself to Julian. His eyes don’t leave my face once. Not as he lubes his fingers. Not as he slides the first one inside of me. Not as he slowly works his way up to three. Not one single time. My chest is heaving, my heart pounding furiously in my chest, my cock leaking against my stomach. I’m pretty sure I’ve been moaning since the second he slid the first one into me. My entire fucking body is throbbing with pleasure, from the tips of my hair to my toes.
Julian drops a kiss on my lips. “Four, okay?”
“Four what?” I gasp.
“Four fingers, Hold. Not until you can take four.”
Jesus Christ. I’ll put my own in there if it hurries him the fuck up. “Fine. Four fingers.”
When he pushes the fourth in, there’s a little burn. I tense briefly, and he stops immediately. But when I relax around him and nod, he goes back to stretching me. “Fuck,” I groan, my body starting to tremble. “Now, Julian.”
He pulls his fingers free, then lies on his back. Pouring more lube into his palm, he strokes himself, coating his dick. “Come on, Hold. On top, so you can be in control.”
I straddle his hips. I expected to feel apprehension, but I don’t. I’m not worried about a single fucking thing, except for how likely I am to come immediately and embarrass myself.
He holds the base of his cock and I brace myself on his chest as I slowly lower myself onto him.