Page 22 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Twenty-One

Holden

T he second I walk through the front door at home and lock eyes with Beck, I break. My knees give out and I collapse on the floor as an ugly sob rips its way out of my chest. He’s on his feet instantly, rushing around the couch to get to me. “What’s wrong, Hold?”

“Wren,” I sob, burying my face in his chest the second his arms come around me. I cry and cry and cry, sobbing into his shirt as he makes soft, soothing noises and rubs my back.

“You’re okay, Hold. Let it out. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, damn near squeezing the life out of me. Thank God, though. Because if I’m being really honest with myself, his hold on me is about the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely. “Can we move to the couch?” he asks, and I nod, but don’t move. I’m not sure my legs would carry me even if I wanted them to.

He pulls back a little and I tighten my grip on him, not wanting him to leave me alone. “It’s okay, Hold. I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna carry you to the couch, okay?”

I nod, loosening my grip just enough that he can pick me up, bridal style, which would be embarrassing if I didn’t need him so fucking badly right now. Roman doesn’t get it. He’s empathetic, and he’s a good person, but he doesn’t get it. Not like Beck. Another sob tears through me.

I used to be torn between jealousy that Roman knew what it felt like to be loved the way Beck loved him, and relieved that I didn’t, because he was so sad and heartbroken without it when he left. This is fucking miserable, though. Who does this on purpose? Loving someone fucking sucks.

Beck settles us on the couch, and he must be taking lessons from Ro because he gets me situated with my head resting in his lap and starts running his fingers through my hair. I pull my knees up, rolling to my side, so I can lay in the fetal position. My heart aches so fucking badly that I’m pretty sure ripping it out of my chest would actually hurt less .

Beck sits with me in silence for a while and continues running his fingers through my hair in gentle, even strokes as tears stream down my face and soak his lap. After a few minutes, I realize he’s humming softly. I close my eyes, letting the feel of his fingers and his soft voice soothe me.

“Are you okay?” he asks after a moment.

I shake my head. “No. I had to do a bone marrow biopsy on Wren today,” I choke out, tears surfacing again.

“Oh, Hold. Why did you do that?” he asks softly, a slight admonishment to his tone.

“She’s my patient,” I say, pulling my knees up tighter, curling into myself smaller. “It’s my job,” I add in a whisper.

Beck sighs and brushes my hair off my forehead. “No. There’s a reason they tell us not to work on loved ones.”

“But… she’s mine. I mean, not really, but…”

“No, Holden. You can’t put yourself through that,” he murmurs.

“You did,” I respond. “When you gave Ro stitches in his hand.”

Beck chuckles, but it’s sad. “I shouldn’t have. I really shouldn’t have. I was so far detached from professionalism. After I left the room and ran into you into the hallway, you remember me running away, right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“I had a panic attack. It was too much for me. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found Julian. I knew there was someone perfect for you out there.” I bury my face in his stomach, trying to hide the blush I can feel rising on my cheeks. He laughs and continues stroking my hair. “It’s too much. You can’t work on her. You can’t be her nurse.”

“But I don’t trust anyone else,” I whisper, adjusting so I can try to get comfortable. Beck is not as good at cuddling as Julian is. Julian’s big and warm and strong, but soft all at once. No offense meant to Beck, of course. If I hadn’t ever been wrapped up in Julian’s arms, I’m sure this would be perfection, but as it stands? No. It’s fine, at best. I want Julian.

“Hmm, what about my mom? Do you trust her?”

“Of course I do.”

“So ask her, then.”

I scoff. “Like it’s just that easy?”

Beck chuckles. “No. I never said it was easy. Let me ask you this. Did you break down because of what she needed or the role you played in it?”

“Both. But mostly because—” My voice cuts off, tears welling up in my eyes again as I remember the look of betrayal on her face when I stuck the needle in her hip to numb her, the way she cried out. “I hurt her,” I choke out, another sob falling from my lips.

“You were doing your job, but that doesn’t make it easier. Ask my mom, Hold. Tell her how much they mean to you. She’ll take care of them like you will, but it will allow you to be there for them without having to be the one who does the hard stuff. Think of how much better the whole experience could have been if you had been loving her and supporting Julian instead of trying to hold it all together while you assisted in that.”

“Okay,” I whisper, nodding. It would have been so much better. Wren wouldn’t have looked at me in fear and pain. Well, I guess she still might have, but it wouldn’t have been my fault. I could have held Julian’s hand instead of having to be professional. I could have cried with him instead of coming home and sobbing to Beck.

Beck goes back to sifting his fingers through my hair. I wish I could go to Julian’s tonight. I want him. I need him. I’m so fucking sad and hurt. And I need to make sure Wren’s okay. Beck’s right. I can’t be her nurse. Tears well up in my eyes again. I don’t want to be alone tonight. “You’re right. I’ll ask Lydia.” My voice breaks as my tears spill over. “Can I… um, can I sleep with you and Ro tonight?”

“Wouldn’t you rather stay with Julian?” Beck asks, shock in his voice. “I mean, of course you can sleep with us, but I figured you’d want to be with him.”

“We have a deal. I stay here on work nights. I stay with him when I’m off.”

Beck is quiet for a second. “I’m not sure that counts on days like today, Hold. I think he probably needs you tonight. I think you probably need each other.”

I shrug. “I don’t want to break the rules. It’s what we agreed on. What if he thinks I’m too needy?”

Beck sighs, but doesn’t get to answer my question because the door opens and Roman walks in. “Hey. Oh shit, what’s wrong?” he asks as he comes around the corner of the couch.

The soft concern in his voice makes my throat close up, and thankfully Beck speaks up so I don’t have to. “He had a hard day at work. He’s going to sleep in our room tonight.”

Have I mentioned lately how fucking happy I am that I have Beck as a friend? “Oh, Hold. Come here,” Roman says as he sits down beside me on the couch. I lift off Beck’s lap and practically throw myself into Ro’s arms, new tears flowing as he holds me against his chest. “What can we do to help?” he asks.

I sniffle. “Beck already helped.”

Roman’s soft chuckle vibrates against my head where it’s resting against his chest. “Am I being replaced?”

I shake my head. No way. I love Beck, but Roman is my very best friend in the whole world. My ride or die. “Nah, but you may have to share the top spot. Do you think the two of you can keep your dicks in your pants long enough to let me sleep in your room?”

Beck laughs. “Yeah, CT, I think we can manage.”

I sigh, a smile forming on my lips. I’m thankful for the levity, but I really want Julian still. Maybe if I go lie down and sleep, the strange ache I have for him in my heart will go away. “Can we go lie down?”

I’m so fucking emotionally wrung out. I haven’t cried like this over my job since I lost a patient the very first day I started at this hospital after moving here with Ro. “Yeah, Hold. We can. Go get changed, and we’ll meet you in there,” Ro whispers.

I should feel stupid. Twenty-six years old and needing to sleep with my best friend and his fiancé, but I can’t even find it in me to be embarrassed about it. I need human contact tonight, and I don’t want to be alone. They aren’t who I really want, but it’ll do. It’s better than nothing.

I pull away from Roman and stand, heading toward my room to change. I slip on a pair of comfy sweats, and then I glance around, noticing Julian’s shirt on the top of the basket of clean clothes. It won’t smell like him, but maybe I’ll feel more comfortable if I’m wearing it, anyway. Mind made up, I grab it and slip it over my head before stepping back into the hall and heading to Ro and Beck’s room.

They’re both in bed when I walk in, the space in the middle open. Beck pats the spot and I dive in between them, tucking myself under the blankets. Beck throws his arm over my stomach and pulls me in close to him. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s make a Holden sandwich.” Ro chuckles, but scoots closer, pressing in close to me. I’m surrounded by warmth on both sides, by two of the people I trust most in the world, but I feel like shit because the one person I want isn’t here, and I wish like hell he was.

I wake some time in the middle of the night. Beck’s not in bed anymore, but Ro is still cuddled up behind me, his arm wrapped around my waist and his face buried in my hair. I try to relax and go back to sleep, but then I hear Beck talking softly and the low rumble of what sounds like… there’s no way . My eyes pop open and I sit straight up. Roman sits up too, immediately awake and alert. “You can never sleep without Beck, huh?” I ask. “Even if he’s just gone for a minute.”

He rubs a hand down his face. “Yeah, it really sucks.”

I shrug. “Or it’s the best thing in the world, and you should be glad you feel that safe with the person you’re in love with.”

He hums, leaning over to press a kiss to the side of my head. “You’re right, Hold.”

I don’t have time to respond because the door opens and Beck walks in, Julian trailing behind him, looking like death warmed over. My jaw drops open, and I stare at him in shock. What in the world is he doing here? “Hey, darlin’,” he says softly. His voice sounds wrecked, and it makes my heart hurt. “There’s a sleeping Wren in your bed. We’d really like it if you’d join us in it for the rest of the night.”

Say less, honestly. I throw the blankets off myself and stand. If he can catch Wren, he can catch me. Or at least I’m hoping that’s the case because my feet carry me to the end of the bed, and then I’m jumping. He catches me against his chest with a soft grunt, and I wrap my arms and legs around him. “Thanks for letting us in, Beck. I apologize for interrupting your night, Roman,” Julian says, squeezing me to him like I’m his reason for existence. He inhales deeply, a shudder working its way through his body, and then turns, carrying me out of their room. The second he crosses into my bedroom, I reach out, swinging the door shut behind us, then I’m being pinned against it, and Julian’s mouth is on mine.

The kiss doesn’t last long, but it feels like my fucking salvation. Like it alone filled all the holes today left in me. He pulls back and inhales a deep breath. “I’m in love with you. Like fully, wholly, really fucking gone in love with you.”

His words should scare me. They should freak me the fuck out. But they don’t. They set me fucking free. This feels exactly like what nineteen-year-old me was longing for but was too scared to hope for. Like what Beck and Roman have. Like a lifetime of love and support and safety. Like my forever. “That’s honestly perfect because I’m so in love with you too.”

Julian’s breath hitches, and then he’s crushing his mouth back to mine. A whimper claws its way up my throat as his tongue brushes my bottom lip. My hands scrabble for purchase on his back, but then he’s pulling back. “Fuck, Holden. I love you so much. Why did you run from me today?”

“I hurt Wren,” I choke out, tears filling my eyes all over again. Fuck.

Julian pulls me from the door and carries me to bed, not releasing his grip at all as he climbs in and pulls me down flush against him. His hand slides into my hair. “Look at her, darlin’,” he whispers, so I turn my head to stare at her. She’s tucked against my pillow, her thumb firmly in her mouth, her face peaceful and relaxed. “She’s fine,” he murmurs. “You were doing your job. You were doing what you had to in order to figure out what’s wrong. That’s all. I know that. She’s been asking about you all night.”

“She has?” I whisper.

“Yeah, she has. She hasn’t stopped once.”

“Why did you come here?” I ask, snuggling deeper into his embrace. His hands are trailing lazily up and down my back, his soft breath fanning across the top of my head.

“I was tired of crying alone in my bed like a sad sack, and decided that if the man I love was gonna run from me, I was going to damn well chase him down.”

I let out a wet laugh. “I wasn’t running, though. This was our deal.”

He sighs. “Sure, it was our deal. But then you ripped your own heart out of your chest to help Wren, and I figured the deal could change.” Thank God. “So, I went to Wren’s room to wake her up to go get you and surprise, surprise, she was wide awake. Part of our family was missing, darlin’, and neither of us could sleep worth a shit without it.”

His words have my heart pounding wildly. “Me?” I whisper.

“Yes, you.”

“I’m scared. Not about the family thing. I’m surprising chill about that. The Wren thing. I love my patients, and I love my job. And I’m good at it.”

“Mmm, you really are,” Julian murmurs, interrupting me.

That brings a smile to my face. “I love her so much. I’m scared. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love the two of you. I mean, I love Ro and Beck, but it’s different, right? I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like… so much scarier to think about her being sick. This stuff doesn’t usually affect me. Not like that. Of course I feel for my patients, but I’ve never had the outcome mean so much to me. I’ve never almost broke down doing a routine procedure.”

“It wasn’t routine to you, though.”

I shake my head. Tears well in my eyes as I study the steady rise and fall of Wren’s little chest. “No,” I choke out. “It wasn’t routine at all. It was fucking awful.”

Julian takes a deep breath. “I hate to break it to you, darlin’, but I’m going to have to go back on my word.” Before I have time to panic about what that might mean, he continues. “I’m going to have to deny that I asked you to be Wren’s nurse. I think your talents would be much better suited if you were just her Holden, instead.”

I smile. That honestly sounds fucking perfect. “I’ll ask Beck’s mom to take over her case. Beck got on to me earlier when I was talking to him about it.”

“Beck’s mom is a nurse?”

I nod. “Yeah, her name is Lydia. She’s been working in peds for close to twenty years. She’s really smart, and she’ll take excellent care of Wren.” I snort. “Not sure how that’s going to work, since she’s basically adopted me as one of her own. And she’s gonna do the same with you and Wren. She’ll have her calling her grandma in no time. She wants grandkids so badly, but Beck and Ro don’t want kids. Beck’s an only child.”

Julian laughs softly. “Well, we’ll worry about that when we need to. In the meantime, I think we need to adjust the rules. Beck told me you mentioned you couldn’t come to my house tonight because it was against the rules, and you didn’t want to come off as needy.”

“Okay,” I whisper, embarrassment burning in my stomach. “What do you propose?”

“How about we do what’s best for us in the moment instead of trying to stick to a schedule or rigidity?”

“Okay, I think that sounds like a good idea. Are you… are you mad at me? For sleeping in Ro and Beck’s room?”

“Of course not. Do I wish you would have come to me for comfort? Yeah. Although I’ll admit that’s partially selfish on my part because I really needed you. Probably more than you needed me, but I’ll never begrudge your friendships. Never.”

“I’m glad,” I whisper. “I really did need you, though. I wanted to come to you. But you were acting strange. You showed up way later than you should have. You didn’t even say goodbye to me or respond to any of my texts.” My voice wavers, so I snap my mouth shut. I’m so tired of crying today.

Julian stops his soothing up and down motion and turns me on my side, and then he’s rolling to his side too. I tilt my head back so I can look at him. He gives me a soft smile. “You told Wren you loved her, Hold. It obliterated my heart, in a good way. I was scared if I talked to you, I’d blurt out how much I loved you. And then I ran to Ruby and Henry’s to have them watch Wren for me, and I forgot my phone at home. I didn’t have it at all until I got home from the hospital.”

“Oh. Why did you take her to them?”

He takes a deep breath. “I went to talk to Maya. I wanted to tell her about you—about the amazing man I’ve had the privilege of falling in love with.”

Oh. Tears fill my eyes and I let out an annoyed growl as they fall down my cheeks. I am so fucking tired of crying today.

Julian laughs as he reaches up to brush the tears from my face. “Why are you crying, darlin’?”

I wave my hand around. “I’m just emotional. Ignore me.”

“There’s no way I’m going to ignore you.” He gives me a smile, then presses soft kisses to my skin—my forehead, my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks—before placing one on my lips. When he pulls back, my tears have stopped and my heart is so full it’s a miracle it even fits in my chest. “It’s been a long, hard fucking day. Let’s get some sleep, yeah?”

I nod. “Okay, but you be the big spoon because I want to cuddle Wren.”

“Perfect.”

I roll over and gently tuck my hands under Wren, pulling her in close until her head is resting on my bicep, and her body is cradled against me. She doesn’t even flinch. Julian scoots in closer to me, pressing his body fully against my back, and wraps his arm around me and Wren—holding us—cocooning us in his warm safety.