Page 38 of Healed Hearts (Mended Hearts #2)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Holden

I ’m pretty sure Julian is asleep, and I’m thankful for that. His breathing is deep and even, his hold on my back slack, where before he was almost squeezing me too tightly. I continue to let my thumb rub back and forth on his collarbone. At this point, it’s more soothing for me than it is for him.

I need to do some digging into drug reactions. I’m almost positive he’s suffering from a paradoxical response to his medication. I’ve only seen it once before, in a patient who came in actively suicidal. I had only been working in the ER for a couple of years at that point, but I’ll never forget him. He was my age, and the reaction he had to his medication scared the shit out of me. He ended up having to be placed on a psych hold. Julian’s symptoms aren’t quite the same, and I’m not too concerned about that being an issue for him. It’s still enough to have me worried, though.

As soon as he wakes up, it’ll be research and having a talk with him about getting into his doctor to see about switching up his medication. I wonder if Beck knows any more about it than I do. I may talk to Julian and see if he would be okay with me talking to Beck.

At any rate, I need to call them and tell them I’m moving in with Julian. God, it doesn’t even feel real. Especially with everything happening with Wren and now Julian. It’s just… probably the worst timing in the world, but I still want to do it.

All that can wait, though. For right now, I’m going to keep an eye on Julian and make sure he’s safe until he feels better.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I know, I’m being trampled awake by a rambunctious Wren.

“Daddy! Holden! I’m hungry.”

Of course she is. I sit up and grin at her as she does a little dance on the bed beside us. Julian groans, so I roll off him to pick Wren up so she doesn’t wake him up. Once I’ve got her in my arms, I stand. “Shh. Let’s go get breakfast, but we’ll let Daddy sleep, okay?”

She brings her finger to her lips, miming the shh motion and nods. “Okay, Holden. Pancakes?”

“We can definitely have pancakes,” I say as I carry her out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. “Do you wanna help me?”

“Yes!”

I let out a little laugh at her enthusiasm. “Okay, great. Let’s get our hands washed and we’ll start, okay?”

Helping her lean over the edge of the sink, the two of us wash our hands, and once hers are dried, I grab a chair for her to stand on. She climbs up, clearly used to helping Julian in the kitchen. I smile to myself. He’s such a good fucking dad, and he’s raising such a sweet little girl. “Okay, first we have to get all the supplies.”

I glance over at Wren and she looks up at me, brown eyes wide. I make my way around the kitchen, pulling out a mixing bowl, the pancake mix, and measuring cups. When I manage to find some vanilla extract in the cabinet, I pull it down too. “Lookie here, Wren. This is vanilla extract.”

She nods. “For cookies.”

“Yep,” I say, grinning at her. “For cookies, but also for pancakes.”

She cocks her head to the side. “Daddy doesn’t.”

“That’s because Daddy doesn’t know how to make good pancakes.”

She looks at me in shock for a second, then she covers her mouth and giggles. It’s adorable, and it makes my heart swell until it’s almost too big for my chest. “Okay, let’s get to it.”

She helps me measure the pancake mix and insists on stirring it all by herself once we get the rest of the ingredients in. She’s somehow managed to get the batter on her cheek, and I’m not entirely sure how. “All done,” she proudly proclaims, and I’ve got to give it to her. She really did do a good job.

“Nice job, pretty girl. Not a lump in sight. How about you let me cook them, okay? I don’t want you to get burned on the stove. But we can move your chair over so you can watch. Sound good?”

She gives me a thumbs up. “Sounds good.”

I help her climb down from the chair and move it across the floor so she can be closer. I burn the first pancake. I always do. It’s the tester pancake. It’s the rule. I’ve never in my entire life made pancakes that didn’t start with a burned one. Wren turns her nose up. “It stinks.”

I laugh. “Yeah, I burned it.”

“Oh.”

I didn’t know three-year-olds could be so damn judgemental, but when I turn to face her fully, she’s side eyeing me. “Let me guess. Daddy doesn’t burn them?”

She shakes her head slowly, not taking her eyes off the charbroiled pancake that I currently have sitting on the counter. Well, seems Julian is better at making pancakes than me. Oh well.

“Holden?” Julian yells. His voice is shaky and a little choked, like it took all his strength to get it to come out. I scoop Wren up and take off toward the bedroom quickly, my heart racing.

When I step into the bedroom, Julian’s sitting up in the bed, looking half-terrified, silent tears pouring down his face. “Hey, I’m here. What’s wrong?”

I step closer and the second I’m near the bed, he grabs the arm I’m not using to hold Wren and tugs us down until we’re sprawled across his lap. He buries his face in my hair and squeezes us to him. “You left,” he croaks out.

“I was making Wren breakfast.”

“You left,” he says again, his body starting to shake.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want Wren to wake you up. It’s okay. I’m here now.”

Wren squirms around in my arms until she’s free from our bear hug. “Daddy?” she whispers.

“I’m okay, baby girl,” he whispers back, though I’m not sure that’s entirely true.

“Daddy,” she says again, and then she’s crying too.

I pull her back toward us, enveloping her in my arms. “Daddy’s okay, Wren. He’s just feeling a little bad, okay? He’s okay, though.”

She sniffles, but nods, staying tucked against my body. We stay that way for a few minutes. Julian’s nuzzling my hair and Wren is finally relaxing against my body.

The peace is interrupted when the wail of the smoke alarm starts blaring. Wren screams and starts sobbing. Julian jumps out of his skin.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. The pancakes. I jump up as quickly as humanly possible without dropping Wren in the process, sitting her down on Julian’s lap as she cries. “I’ll be right back. I think I’m burning the pancakes.”

I make it two steps and Julian’s voice stops me. “Stay with me, please.”

The plea in his voice breaks my heart, but I very well could be burning down the kitchen. “I’ll be right back,” I repeat, rushing from the room.

There’s smoke pouring from the black pancakes on the pan, but thankfully no fire, so I pull them off the heat and turn off the stove. The smoke alarm is still blaring, the disgusting scent of charred pancakes filling my nose. I drag a kitchen chair to the smoke alarm, and climb up, pulling it down and pulling the battery out to shut it off. Once I’m back on the ground, I slump against the counter, letting out a heavy sigh. This is not my day.

I give myself a few minutes to get myself together and glare at the burned pancakes. Not like it’s their fault. I can’t very well take care of Julian and Wren like this. He doesn’t need me to burn down his house, and since he doesn’t want me to leave him, it limits my options.

I peel myself off the counter and head back into the bedroom, where I find Wren curled up in Julian’s arms, both of them crying. Wren brightens slightly when she sees me, pulling herself from Julian’s arms and sitting up fully. “Burned the pancakes?” she asks.

I almost laugh. Almost. “Yeah, I burned the pancakes.”

“That’s okay,” she assures me in her sweet little voice.

I climb back into bed. “Thanks, pretty girl. Hey, Jules?”

He turns to look at me, his eyes a little dull. “How about I call Ruby and Henry to come get Wren for the day?”

He shakes his head. “No, I already failed her yesterday. I can’t do that. I want her here.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to come up with a solution. “First, you didn’t fail her. But, okay, what if they come here?”

Another shake of his head, this time with his eyes widening. “No. I don’t…” His voice trails off as he looks at Wren. “I don’t want them to see how badly I’m messing up. They’ll be disappointed in me.”

He sounds so fucking dejected. I know there’s no way in hell Ruby and Henry would be disappointed in him. It’s pretty clear they think the world of him. But I also know this is going to take more than a conversation to work through, and it’s not something that needs to happen around Wren. “Okay… What about Beck and Ro? Can they come sit with her?”

He doesn’t shoot the idea down outright, which I’d call progress, and after a few seconds he nods. “Yeah, I think that would be okay.”

“Okay, let me call them. Can I step out for a second?”

He looks at me like he’d rather me do literally anything else, but he does nod, so I step into the hall, already pulling my phone out. Thankfully, Ro answers on the second ring. “Hey, Hold. What’s up?”

“I need your help.”

There’s a pause and then, “Of course. Anything. You know this.”

I clear my throat, emotion threatening to choke me. “Can you and Beck come sit with Wren for a few hours? Julian’s… well, he’s….” I’m not sure the best way to tell him without outright telling him how much Julian is struggling, and I don’t actually know if he’d want them to know.

Turns out I don’t need to. “Of course. Beck’s getting dressed now. We’ll be there in less than twenty.”

Relief and gratitude rush through me. “Thank you.”

“Anytime. See you soon.”

“Okay, sounds good.” I’m about to hang up when a thought hits me. “Oh, wait. Can you stop and get Wren breakfast? I tried to make pancakes. Didn’t go well for me.”

There’s a beat of silence. “You burned them, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” I admit, leaving out how I also almost burned down the kitchen in the process.

Roman chuckles. “Okay. We’ll stop and get McDonald’s. Miss Wren deserves it anyway after the day she had yesterday.”

“Thanks, Ro. I’ll leave the door unlocked for you guys. Come on in when you get here.”

After I hang up, I head back into the room with Julian and Wren. Wren is sitting on the bed beside Julian, stroking his hair. She really is the sweetest little girl. I never stood a chance with these two.

I climb back in beside them, joining Wren in her quest to soothe her daddy, and before too long, he’s back asleep. “Uncle Beck and Uncle Ro are coming to see you.”

A huge smile splits her face, and I settle in with the two of them as we wait for the uncles to come save the day.

In no time at all, I hear the front door open and the low murmurs of them talking. Wren gasps, head whipping around to stare at the bedroom door. “Let’s go.”

We step into the living room together and she squirms to get free of my hold, running toward two of her favorite people. She bypasses Ro and runs straight to Beck who preens like an asshole at Roman’s affronted look.

I laugh. “Okay. I’m gonna,” I say gesturing toward the bedroom door.

Beck laughs at something Wren said and Roman smiles at me. “All good, Hold. Take your time.”

I nod and step back into the bedroom, thankful all over again for the two of them. I waste no time climbing back into bed with Julian. I wrap myself around his body as best I can and close my eyes, listening to the steady sound of his heart.

I’m pulled back to reality by a soft touch on my face. I open my eyes to find Julian watching me, brushing his thumb along my cheekbone. He’s staring at me intently. “Hi,” I croak, my voice rusty. “How are you feeling?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know… sad.”

My heart constricts. “What can I do to make it better?”

Fresh tears well in his eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so… empty, I guess. I can’t stop crying.”

I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close to me. He doesn’t fight me—he buries his face against my throat as more tears slick my skin. Rubbing my hands up and down his back, I try to soothe him. “Hey, Jules?”

“Yeah?” he whispers.

“Have you ever felt like this after taking your medicine?” He pauses for a minute, seeming to think about it before shaking his head. “I think this might be because of your medicine. It’s called a paradoxical response. Basically, instead of the medication doing what it’s supposed to do, it does the exact opposite.”

He swallows audibly. “Do you think it’s because I took more than one?”

“It could be, but it could also just be that it’s no longer the best medicine for you,” I say, slipping my fingers in his hair so I can pull his head back to look at me.

Another hard swallow. “I was supposed to only take one. I took it before we left, but then it wasn’t working. I was still upset, still panicked. I had to leave the room. I almost threw up.” I nod along with his words, remembering the way he went pale and took off to the bathroom while we were getting Wren set up. “So, I took another in the bathroom.”

I nod. “That’s okay. It’s not really good to double the dose like that, but it’s okay.”

He starts crying again. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to do all… this.”

“Shh. It’s okay,” I whisper, pulling him back down to hold him to me. “No one’s upset. You’re alright.”

He lets out a shuddering breath, his chest hitching against mine. “I hate this, Hold. I’m scared.”

I sigh, rubbing his scalp with my fingertips. “I’m a little scared too. Can I talk to Beck? I want to see if he thinks the same thing as me. That this is a reaction to your medication.”

He nods slowly. “I trust Beck. Call him. I’ll do anything to not feel this way. I’m so scared,” he repeats, shaking as he cries harder against me.

My face scrunches in confusion. “I don’t have to call him. He’s here. He and Ro came to watch Wren for us.”

He jerks back quickly, his eyes finding mine. “When did they get here?”

“Around breakfast time. When I burned the pancakes.”

“I’m confused.”

The look on his face, combined with the fact that he doesn’t remember the burned pancakes is a little nerve-wracking. Hell, I can almost still smell them. Like the scent lives in my nose now. “You don’t remember us talking about them coming? Or the pancakes?”

His eyebrows draw together, and I can tell he’s trying really hard to remember. I can also tell the moment he realizes he can’t. He shakes his head. “That’s bad, right? Fuck, Hold. Oh, God.”

His breath leaves him in a rush as he clutches his chest, panic splashed across his expression. “Woah, woah. You’re okay, Julian.” I sit up quickly, and he follows, gasping for air. I straddle his lap and cup his face with one hand. Pressing our foreheads together, I take his hand and lift it to my chest. “Feel my breaths, copy me. You’re okay. Breathe with me.”

After what feels like a lifetime, his erratic breathing slows, his body relaxing the tiniest bit. “Tell me what you remember,” I murmur, sitting back to look at him when he’s fully calm again.

“Um, us talking on the couch at the hospital, Roman, you doing Wren’s hair.” He pauses and I wait for him to continue. He closes his eyes. “Coming home. You made dinner, right?”

“I did, yeah.”

He nods. “Um, going to bed. Sex. Then… nothing? Just now.”

There aren’t even words to describe how fucking relieved I am to know that he remembers us having sex. The thought of doing that with him when he wasn’t in a place to consent fills me with dread. But that’s something to tackle later. “We woke up and took a bath together, then Wren woke up and I tried and failed to make her pancakes. I burned them. Then we talked about having Ruby and Henry come and you didn’t want that, but you were okay with Beck and Ro, so I called them.”

He opens his eyes, studying me. “I don’t remember any of that. Why is this happening to me?” His voice cracks as more tears dot his cheeks.

I brush my thumbs under his eyes, wiping his tears away as they fall. “I’m not sure, Jules. I don’t know why it’s affecting you like this. But sometimes it does. I think if you need medicine for your anxiety, then we need to get you on something you can safely take daily.”

He nods. “Can we talk to Beck now?”

“Do you want me to get him in here? Or do you want to go out there?”

He thinks about it for a second, clearly torn. “I want to see Wren,” he finally whispers. “I know she’s okay with them, but I want to see her.”

“Let’s get your face washed first, okay?”

His cheeks pink up in embarrassment as his eyes dart away from me, and it makes my heart squeeze. “Hey,” I whisper, cupping his jaw and forcing his gaze back to mine. “It’s okay. I think you’ll feel better with a clean face, yeah?”

He nods slowly, his eyes locked onto mine. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I smile, dropping a kiss to his chapped lips. “Just as well you don’t have to. You need water too. I think you’re dehydrated.”

He sighs. “Okay.”

After helping Julian wash his face, we head to the living room. Wren lights up when she sees us, but she doesn’t pull herself away from what looks like her very serious task of painting Beck’s nails. Roman is sitting on the couch, watching them with a smile on his face. “Hi, Daddy. Hi, Hold. I’m painting Unka Beck’s fingers.”

Beck chuckles. “Yeah, it really is my fingers.”

Julian makes a choked sound next to me, and I glance at him quickly, watching him take in the scene before him with wide eyes. “She painted yours too,” I whisper.

He brings a hand up instantly, checking out the hot pink spread across his fingers. I would say I’m surprised he hasn’t seen it before now, but then again, maybe he has, and he doesn’t remember.

I lean in closely, lowering my voice so no one can hear but us. “Do you want to talk to Beck alone or in here?”

“Here’s fine,” he says, swallowing roughly.

“Okay. You sit on the couch and I’ll bring you some water.”

He nods, then walks to the couch and sits down in the middle beside Ro, his eyes glued to Beck and Wren on the floor.

When I get back with the water, Wren is done painting Beck’s nails and he and Roman are busy comparing and bickering about which one has the cooler nails. It looks like Ro and Julian are leaning into each other and, for the moment, things look calm. I glance down at my still bare nails, wondering if I can talk Wren into doing mine too. Purple, maybe. Then I’ll definitely have cooler nails than all of them.