Page 47 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)
Shrugging my shoulders, I let out a slow breath.
“Cooper sometimes, when he can handle it. He doesn’t always know how to respond to me when I’m overly emotional or stressed out.
It’s one of those autistic traits. He loves me and I know he does, but I make him more uncomfortable when I cry.
It triggers him to shut down more often than not.
I avoid that as often as possible. Burdening my mom or sisters with a crying session isn’t something that will go over very well.
There’s kind of a ‘you chose him so suck it up, buttercup’ mentality there.
They love Cooper but they don’t love Cooper, you know?
No one gets him or his quirks. He’s not their son or brother, he’s the guy I married.
It’s easier to not bring it up than to get that ‘I told you so’ vibe from them. ”
I pull another tissue from the kleenex box just to have something to do with my hands.
“I did meet this woman, Lorene, in that support group. We’re supposed to meet up in person in a few months. She’s sweet and very outspoken. She’s probably one of the most open people I know.”
I chuckle while describing the woman who I instantly liked the first time we talked on Zoom.
“She’s loud, talks fast, has a real zest for life and all it has to offer. I think you’d like her.”
He smiles and nods. “I’m sure I’ll eventually meet or talk to her if you two really do hit it off, but I don’t know if there’s a person alive who would be stupid enough not to love you.”
Shaking my head at him, I continue to play with the tissue. “Talking to someone a few times over a Zoom call in a support group isn’t exactly grounds for dumping a shit ton of emotional baggage either.”
“So give me the baggage, love.”
He says and the sincerity in his voice is fucking palpable.
“I’m not going anywhere. If I could put my arms around you right now, I would.
Since I can't, I can at least be here to hear all the things you feel like you can’t say out loud.
I’m not judging. You need to let it out, even the really horrible thoughts; or it’s all going to eat you alive.
I hate to see it festering behind that ironclad mask you’ve created for yourself to wear.
Let me save you from that part at least, baby girl. ”
It’s then that the tears that have been burning the backs of my eyes spill over my lashes and roll down my cheeks. I love my mother and I love my sisters, but they really wouldn’t sympathize with me on this.
My mom would hug me and tell me how strong I am. My sisters would no doubt let me cry it out; but I know there would be advice when they don’t know what it’s like to have your spouse so lost in his own mind.
While Morgan doesn’t know any of that first hand either, I do trust that he won’t judge me or hate me… or tell me I’m better off leaving.
I reach for my phone and remove the little screen that lets me see myself to make it only a full screen of Morgan. I really don’t need the image of me falling apart right there.
“There are days that I hate it here—” I admit on a broken whisper and the words hurt as they fall from my lips.
“I love my daughter with everything I am. I love my husband so fucking much, but I fucking hate that I can’t just have a normal fucking day.
Certain foods touching on a plate can lead to an entire meltdown where I have to watch my child scream, cry, and pull her hair.
I have to try not to touch her because she thinks it hurts in those moments.
One little change in routine that I’m not prepared for can lead to an entire good day going up in smoke.
If Cooper can’t find his keys, it’s like the entire world is on fire and he’s the only one who is getting burned. ”
I dab my nose with a tissue, unable to stop now that the floodgates have opened. Even though my guilt starts stabbing into me with every statement, I continue.
“My birthday hardly gets remembered. I spend my Sundays meal prepping so Hannah has food she will eat and save me from cooking two separate meals every night. I want to work outside of the house full time, but at the drop of a hat, I need to be able to go pick up my daughter from school if they can’t handle a meltdown.
Therapy appointments, Cooper’s on-call schedule, and Cooper’s job being as emotionally exhausting as it is, I have to be there for him because he has no one else.
Theo tells him to man up and deal with it.
His dad tells him to be better no matter how well he’s doing…
and their words always hold so much more weight than mine because I let him be weak and vulnerable.
And he had a good day. He was going to let you and me have some time together for me to feel taken care of, and Wayne had to swoop in and shoot that all to hell with his dramatic bullshit…
I can’t fucking escape him, no matter what I fucking do. ”
I shake my head and brush the tears away from my cheeks.
“And it’s fucking pathetic to sit here and say all of this out loud because I love them so fucking much.
I will keep doing all of this for them, for as long as they need it.
I’ll cherish the days and hours I get to myself.
I look forward to Cooper’s good days when he’s that doting, charming idiot that I fell in love with.
I look forward to the days when Hannah copes well and manages to regulate herself.
Any moment of peace that they both get, I’ll enjoy every second of it.
I’ll burn it into my soul to get me through the next rough patch. ”
I shamelessly blow my nose into the tissue before tossing it into the wastebasket and plucking a new one from the box.
That feeling of relief is there, like I unloaded a burden, but it’s quickly being replaced by guilt for saying all of it out loud for someone else to hear.
There’s also exhaustion, so much emotional exhaustion.
“My daughter was practically kidnapped yesterday, and her meltdown is what got her home safely to me. Wayne didn’t know how to handle it, and I don’t know how long she’d have been missing if she’d been a typical child… I don’t know what he would’ve done…”
“Hey.” I hear Morgan and look at my phone on the coffee table.
He’s wearing this compassionate expression, like he understands everything I just spilled my guts about.
“She’s safe. No what if’s. The worst didn’t happen and she’s home safe, okay?”
I nod, realizing that he’s trying to keep me from going into a totally different sort of breakdown. Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, I nod again and rest back against the couch.
“How do you feel?” He asks and the sound of his voice comforts me while I try to pull myself back together.
“Guilty.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t hate it… ever. I chose this life. I wanted to get married and have a kid.” I tell him flatly, like it should be obvious.
Morgan nods and leans forward like he’s wanting me to see the sincerity of what he’s about to say more clearly.
“You didn’t choose for mental disorders to add a flare to the picture of the future you painted.
The parts that are making you feel that way weren’t your choice; but like the force of nature you are, you deal with it.
You get shit done. You figure it out. You love them more than anyone else in the world ever can or will.
You learn every day a new way to understand them both.
You make their lives better just for being the mother and wife that you chose to be. ”
Once again, I can feel tears threatening, but they aren’t as sorrowful as the ones before. “Thank you.”