Page 23 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Chapter seventeen

Cooper

One Month Later

P ain.

It’s almost as freeing as an orgasm.

Tegan and Hannah went on a long weekend trip with Allison, Kat, and Dani. The four of them decided that a girls trip was a good idea while Hannah had some days off from school. Dani needed the break from the baby, and Kat was just wanting the time with the girls.

I know Tegan needed it.

I’ve been a lot on her lately.

Work is getting worse and I’ve been put in charge of euthanizations. Every time an animal takes its last breath in my arms, I can feel another piece of myself die. With my other half gone, I don’t exactly have my usual outlet or my anchor.

Pain is my last resort.

I’ve grown nose blind to the scent of burning flesh since I started trying to stop my own dark thoughts.

The paper clip is bent at an angle so I can make block letters with every touch.

Watching the flame of the lighter heat the metal, I think of how much better Tegan’s night is with her mother, her sisters, and our daughter without having to bring me out of my endless abyss of bullshit.

I hate her not being here with me, but I can’t burden her anymore than I already do.

She really is going to leave you one day, you asshole.

I can hear Theo’s voice in my head. I stupidly called him thinking that the guy who’s been my best friend since childhood would hear me out. Instead, he went on a long rant about his life in the army, and how many people he’s seen killed in the line of duty.

Me having to euthanize more than a few strays every week was nothing in comparison to the things he’s seen.

I press the glowing metal to the outside of my thigh. Tegan runs her hands over my inner thighs and over the tops of them so often, I know better than to burn there. These will heal enough that I can hide them before she comes back home.

Right now I need the pain though.

The flesh hisses and small rivulets of smoke billow up from the point of contact. If I hadn’t already done this multiple times, I’m sure the acrid smell would make my stomach roil like it did at first.

Now the pain just makes my mind go blank.

I don’t feel the need to call Tegan and beg her to come home. I don’t feel that heavy weight of sadness I felt when I was in the euthanasia room earlier today. I don’t feel anything but the searing in my flesh until I can no longer hold the metal against it.

Breathing heavily through clenched teeth, I hold the bent paper clip over the lighter and ignite it again, watching the flame lick at the metal once more.

With the pain of the most recent burn ebbing, those emotions start to crawl back in. At least this time it took them a little bit longer to reach back out to me from the shadows.

You need to man up. It’s just a dog or a cat. It’s not like you’re killing people like some of my infantry friends.

Theo’s voice is back again, but this time it waited until the metal was already glowing bright enough for the next brand.

I’ve got a few more lines left before the letters are complete, but my phone rings, interrupting my process. I glance over to see Tegan’s smiling face lighting up my screen.

It’s a picture I took on our anniversary.

It had rained and she just grinned at me before taking Hannah’s hand and walking with her outside.

I thought my daughter was going to have a meltdown with the water soaking her clothes, but Tegan’s energy was so upbeat that our girl fed off of it while they danced together in the downpour.

Hannah had pulled away from Tegan to dance on her own, and the image of my wife smiling with so much pride and happiness was something I just had to immortalize.

Seeing that image on my screen immediately makes me feel guilty for what I’m currently doing in her absence.

“Hey, Gorgeous. Having a good time?” I answer in an upbeat tone that I’m only able to muster because of seeing that photo.

“Yes!” she replies and she sounds so fucking happy that my guilt wraps even tighter around me. She’ll be so upset when she eventually finds out what I’ve been up to.

I know she will find out. It’s only a matter of when, but I’m not going to tell her now and ruin her good time.

“Mama just got in the hot tub and told Kat and Dani to mix us some drinks while I put Hannah down for the night. She had a hard time falling asleep in a strange place. It only took me singing her song seven times before she asked for you.”

“Deddy?”

That little voice is everything to me and makes me look down at the brand on my outer thigh.

What the fuck am I doing? “Hey, Kiddo. Are you having a good time with your Grammy?”

“Gam made me ice ceem.” Her speech is improving, but she still can’t pronounce all of her letters, especially when she’s excited. Still, hearing her actually respond to me is a balm to my bruised soul right now.

I smile into the phone as if she can see me, but I know Tegan can hear it in my voice. No doubt she’s got me on speaker. “Was it chocolate?”

“YES!” Hannah exclaims.

Laughing at her answer, I strike the lighter again, just watching the flame dance with my two favorite girls in my ear.

“Well, I know that ice cream makes it a little harder to go to sleep. Do you want me to sit here with you while Mama sings to you again? I promise, I taught Mama how to check under the bed and in the closet before you left. She knows all of my tricks.” Hannah giggles and I have to breathe deep to hide the emotions that seem to lodge a lump in my throat. “Get comfy, Little Bit.”

“You heard him, little lady. Under the covers.” Tegan says and I hear Hannah’s little giggle again.

I stare at that flame dancing, wishing I didn’t need to finish what I’d started.

I know as soon as I hang up the phone, I’ll tumble down that rabbit hole again.

“Alright, she’s as snug as a bug in a rug. ”

I take a slow breath and speak in a playfully stern tone. “Did you check the closet?” Tegan answers in the affirmative and I can hear the smile in her voice as clearly as I hear that background giggle. “What about under the bed? That’s prime real estate.”

Hannah’s laughter is a better distraction than pain any day of the week. I so rarely get to hear my little girl laugh. I miss weekends with her due to emergency calls or overtime.

You need to find a job that lets you spend more time at home.

Theo’s voice haunts me once more, but that one is easy enough to brush off considering he volunteered for another tour after Annie announced their third pregnancy. Pot. Kettle.

“Nothing under the bed and I even checked behind all of the curtains.” Tegan announces dramatically. She must be putting on quite the show. Hannah’s laughter gets more raucous, and makes me think of rainbows that burst from Care Bear bellies.

“It sounds like the room is clear, Little Bit,” I announce.

Hannah’s soft voice sounds like she’s finally allowing herself to give into just how tired she is. “Tanks, Deddy.”

Then Tegan’s off key singing is soft and sweet. She will never sing professionally, but the key isn’t so far off that it’s horrible. It still makes me smile to listen to her sing to our little girl the same way she’s done since they put that tiny little bundle into her arms.

The line falls quiet until I hear the muffled sound of Tegan putting her phone back up to her ear. Once I hear the soft click of the door, I know she’s successfully left the bedroom with our daughter sleeping peacefully.

“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you. I’m just glad you weren’t on a call.”

“Yea, it’s been a quiet night. I actually haven’t had to go out since I got home this afternoon.” It’s one of the reasons I’ve had the time to get lost in my head and use this branding session to keep myself from calling her.

“It would work out that I wasn’t home for the one time you have a quiet weekend,” Tegan mutters, but I share her frustration at that unfortunate fact. “How are you doing? Everything okay there?”

“I’m fine.” I tell her, and because I know she can tell when it’s a bald faced lie I add, “Just a really long day and Theo went on a very long rant when I talked to him tonight.”

“Annie’s pretty upset that he chose to re-enlist after she told him about the baby,” she says.

“She called you, huh?”

“Oh yea, she called me.” Tegan sighs. “I’m pretty sure Annie can invent more colorful curses than I can, and that’s saying something.”

I crack a grin, so grateful that she called. No one can make me smile as easily as she can, even when we’re talking about something so serious.

“So what drinks are your sisters mixing?”

“Dani said margaritas, but I think that means tequila with lime juice splashed in as a garnish. I’m actually slightly terrified of what they’re going to have for me when I go back out there.”

She’s laughing as she speaks and I hope she’s truly happy and relaxed. She needs it. That and my girl deserves every single smile that stretches across her beautiful face.

“Have you talked to Chris while you’ve been there?” I ask her. She told me about how he started asking her to check in. Things have gotten a little more serious with them, and I know how hard that was for her after the bullshit with Jackson.

I actually felt bad that it took her this long to find that outlet again, especially with how I’ve been doing lately. I can’t make her feel like the goddess she is, but I was hoping someone else could at least help me make her see herself the way I see her.

Her confidence hasn’t really grown the way it did with Jackson. I mean, she shows me the pictures she sends when he requests them. They’re hot as fuck and even I can pull myself out of my bullshit as a result of seeing them.

I don’t always get off, but I make sure she knows just how excited the images get me. I hope Chris knows what a lucky bastard he is to see such beauty when she shares it with him.

“I sent him a message to let him know I was spending the weekend away,” she sighs.

“He wasn’t too thrilled, but he’ll get over it.

This takes priority and Hannah is actually enjoying her first trip away from home.

She hasn’t had a single meltdown, and I’m enjoying being fully present for all of it. ”

“I’m glad you’re having a good time. If he gives you any shit for it, give him my number and I’ll have a talk with him.”

She laughs softly. “Thanks, baby. I know you’ve always got my back.”

“I do. Forever and a day.”

“You sure you’re okay? This is the first time I’ve been away from you in years… Did you eat? Are you already in bed? Fuck, did I wake you up?” she asks in a panicked tone.

“Babe, it’s fine. I wasn’t sleeping.” I chuckle and flick the lighter again, but this time just to have something to do with my hands.

“I’m glad you called. Hearing my girls made my whole lonely night a whole lot better.

And yes, I ate pizza. I showered and now I’m sitting here with music playing, just trying to wind down before I go to bed. ”

I hear her let out a breath, like she was just waiting for me to tell her I was doing horribly.

Fuck, I really am a burden to her.

“Good. I mean, I don’t like you feeling lonely; but we’ll be home the day after tomorrow and Hannah will no doubt have stories to tell you.”

“I look forward to it.” My smile is genuine and I hope like hell she can hear it. “Go have your tequila with a splash of lime. Just sip slowly and have water to chase every sip, yea?”

Tegan’s laugh washes over me as she agrees. “I love you, Coop.”

“I love you too, Gorgeous.”

When the call ends, I set my phone down on the table and pick up the paper clip again. Staring at the bent up metal, I look down at the brand on my thigh and shake my head.

I don’t need the pain now.

My girls gave me every reason to clean up my mess and get some sleep instead.

I put everything away and go to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

Once the burns are bandaged, I go lie down and plug my phone up.

As I lay it on the nightstand, that picture on my home screen lights up.

It’s the same picture as Tegan’s contact and my heart swells with both longing and peace.

My girls are safe, they love me, and they need me to stay whole for them.