Page 19 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Chapter thirteen

Tegan

One Year Later

H annah is screaming again.

This time it’s because Cooper isn’t home to have dinner with us. I dared to try and sit at the table with her so we could eat before bath time. That was too much of a change in routine for her to handle.

Now I’m sitting here with my back against her bedroom wall, knees up, elbows on knees, and hands over the back of my bowed head.

It’s been a year since her diagnosis.

It’s been six months since Cooper got his own.

All of Hannah’s quirks and traits sounded too similar to all the childhood stories I’ve heard from Cooper’s family over the years.

Of course, the job at the shelter has been exacerbating a lot of his moods.

I scheduled an evaluation for Cooper after a few weeks of discussing it to the point of exhaustion.

He wasn’t only diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, but ADHD and Depression as well.

The medication the doctor prescribed has helped, but it’s also put a strain on us. He doesn’t do well with Hannah’s meltdowns when she has them, so I do a lot of the calming for her. I’m also the sole person on this planet that can bring Cooper out of a depressive episode.

I’m his light and his anchor.

I’m the safe space for both of them.

At first I dove head first into research for at home therapy exercises for Hannah.

I bought all the sensory toys, made all the interactive schedules with positive reinforcements, and stuck to the routines we set like clockwork.

I’ve paid attention to what Hannah would eat in abundance and what made her stick up her nose.

I’ve paid attention when Cooper walked into a room and didn’t seem like he was in the mood to talk or interact at all.

Sometimes he would have a great day at work and text me all throughout the day.

He’d bring home take out and something for Hannah saving me from having to cook dinner after my own long day.

Then there were the days when he came home and said nothing.

He simply took a shower, made himself a sandwich, and went to bed.

Those were the loneliest nights. I understood it. Now that I’ve done so much research on the different disorders between the two biggest pieces of my soul; I understand there will always be good days and bad days.

Days like today, when he’s working late because he was sent out on an emergency call and Hannah’s routine is thrown off, I’m at my wit’s end.

My mom lives too far away for me to call and ask her to pop over and help me, even though I know she would if I asked. She’d make that hour-long drive just to help me get Hannah down for the night.

I won’t inconvenience her like that though.

Dani has her own baby to deal with, and I remember the first years a little too well.

Kat is out on a date and I’m not interrupting that.

With a heavy sigh, I press my fingers into the pressure points along my neck while I try to sing Hannah’s favorite song.

I can’t touch her or she’ll get worse. If I wrap my arms around her, she’ll fight me. I still have a mark on my arm from where she bit me two days ago when I tried to calm her down during a really bad storm.

I think not being able to hug my daughter when she’s in a crisis is the hardest part for me. All I want to do is hold my baby and let her know it’s okay, but I’ll ruin what little progress she’s made in soothing herself.

I hear the sound of her cries shift away from me and towards the opposite corner of her room. I know that’s where her weighted blanket and stuffed animals are; so I keep softly singing You are my Sunshine over and over with my head down.

If I look over at her, she’ll escalate again.

I can feel the tears burning my eyes as I fight every maternal instinct that’s screaming at me to look at her, sooth her, love her.

I swallow thickly between verses, breathing deeply through my nose as her cries lower to sniffles and soft whimpers. I hear the clunk of the weights against the floor as she maneuvers the blanket around herself.

I’m so proud of her, but I can’t fucking show it yet… not yet.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five…

I start the song over again and still keep my eyes trained on the floor. There are a few whimpers and soft hiccups from the corner.

We’re almost there.

I wish I had more mom friends who understood this aspect of my life. The few friends I do have, that have witnessed one of these meltdowns, have given me some very dated parenting advice.

”You really should just beat her ass, she’d learn.”

I try to excuse it as people not knowing better. They don’t understand that her brain is wired so differently from mine that she wouldn’t understand why she was getting that kind of discipline.

I have to learn to understand her in these moments.

I have to be patient.

I have to listen to my child and what she needs; and I have to figure out what works for us.

This clearly isn’t it for me, but it’s something we’re still crafting between the two of us.

I make it through the song another two times before I hear the soft sniffles and nothing else.

Slowly, I lift my head and my eyes immediately find that beautiful dirty blonde head of waves peeking out from the cocoon of her weighted blanket. Her eyes are red, her face is puffy, and I’m fighting like hell not to gag at the amount of snot dripping from my child’s nose.

“Hey, Little Bit.” I say softly and fight my own tears.

I have to be strong. I can’t let her see that this is too much for me.

She’ll never be too much for me. I’ll always endure these storms with and for her.

“You feel like leaving this room to find some food?” Hannah shakes her head and I feel my heart crack slightly. Then she signs ”Daddy” with the tip of her thumb to her forehead and all fingers extended.

I can’t call him while he’s on a call like this. Chances are that he won’t be able to answer, and I don’t know the whole situation. He was only able to tell me that dispatch said it was an aggressive animal in a neighborhood.

All of that means I have to tread carefully. “He’ll be home soon,” I gently assure her without moving from my spot against the wall. My head is the only part of my body that has moved since she settled. I still look like I’m bracing for another wave of a storm to plow through the bedroom.

“He had to go find a puppy and take them home to their family, remember?” I try not to dumb things down for my child, but her obsession with 101 Dalmatians and Lady and The Tramp kind of makes it hard to put her father’s occupation in a warm light.

Mulling over this situation, I finally sit up a little straighter and extend my legs in front of me to stretch the cramping muscles. I’ve been sitting here too long. “Is it okay if I go get my dinner and make a picnic here in your room?”

When Hannah’s eyes widen with what looks like delight, I feel like I’ve won some major battle that no one else knows I’ve been fighting.

“Would you like me to bring you anything for this picnic?”

I don’t expect her to speak, so I watch her for her hands to peek out of the blanket… but they don’t.

“Sketti, peas.” Her little voice is still so musical to hear. While she’s been making strides in speech therapy, I take every word for the treasure that it is.

“Spaghetti it is then,” I tell her with a voice thick with emotion.

My back screams at me as I stand away from the wall. My ass is numb, my knees pop, and I feel like I’m eighty instead of twenty-six.

When I leave her room, I check the clock on the stove only to realize I’ve been sitting on the floor of her room for over two hours.

Cooper should at least be calling me to let me know he’s coming home soon. It’s well past time for dinner, bath, and even bed. There’s little I can do about that other than to keep working with what I have.

I set a pot of water to boil and a small can of tomato sauce.

It’s a form of a vegetable. I’m not fighting the healthy eating battle on top of the one I’ve already won tonight.

I put together my own plate of cold chicken and veggies. Reheated food has never tasted good to me, so a cold dinner it shall be.

Once I’ve laid out a blanket on Hannah’s bedroom floor and put her pasta into her favorite bowl, I take it all into her room. I give her the biggest sippy cup we own, because I know she’s dehydrated from all the crying she just did.

Keeping her on the blanket is going to be a challenge, but hopefully I won’t have to clean sauce out of her carpet later. I put her bowl in the center of the blanket and wait for her to emerge from her weighted cocoon to join me.

Thankfully the next hour passed peacefully. My little girl was her sweet, loving self while she ate her noodles and drank her water. She didn’t fight me through her bath, and she let me sing to her before the exhaustion of her meltdown overtook her desire to see her father.

Just as I’m quietly closing the door to Hannah’s room, I hear Cooper’s truck parking in the carport.

It must’ve been a rough call for him to have forgotten to text me. That means I won’t get much of a conversation. With that in mind, I walk into the kitchen to make him a plate and warm it up. Cooper doesn’t have the same aversion to reheated food as I do, thank god.

While it warms, I clean up the mess and put everything else away. The door opens and he walks into the kitchen from the side door. Those captivating blue eyes meet mine and I offer him a welcoming smile.

“Hey, handsome. I’ve got lemon pepper chicken with your name on it,” I say while pulling the plate from the microwave and setting it on the table.

Cooper looks almost despondent as he nods. “Thank you.”

Even those two words sound like they took all of his effort to force out.

He sinks down into one of the dining chairs heavily and sighs while picking up his fork to take a bite.

After chewing for what feels like an eternity he says, “This is perfect, babe. Heaven on a plate.” It’s what he always says when I make one of his favorite dishes.

I stand behind him, rubbing his tense shoulders and kiss the top of his head. “Rough call?”

He nods and leans his head back against my chest. “It ended up being a bite case. I wasn’t able to get them to quarantine the dog. He didn’t have an owner and he was just too aggressive.”

He’s been working this job long enough that I know what all of that means.

They’ll have to euthanize the dog to have him tested for Rabies. Letting my arms slide down over his shoulders, I hug his neck from behind and press a lingering kiss against his temple. He doesn’t talk through these things with me often, but when he does, I just want to fix it.

“How about you finish eating and we’ll shower together?” I ask him without pulling my lips away from his skin.

“Hannah asleep?” he asks and I can hear the disappointment in already knowing the answer.

I give him a soft smile and move my lips down to his cheek for another kiss. “She fought hard to stay awake for you.”

There’s no need in making him feel bad for the turmoil I suffered while she melted down. He’s already miserable, and telling him any of it will only make him feel guilty.

I’ll be as strong for him as I am for Hannah.

So, I hug him just a little tighter before I sit back up to my full height.

“Are you staying up tonight?” Cooper asks, knowing it’s one of my regular nights to write or wind down. After the day I’ve had, it’s certainly not in the cards, but I’ll have to take a minute to update my latest long term counterpart.

I fucked up and got slightly personal again, but I’ve yet to open up to Chris the way I opened up to Jackson. Chris is a little more curious and I’ve at least kept more distance for the last few months.

He’s weedling his way past my defenses though.

He also owns the forum I’m writing on now and has a few interesting characters that are a lot of fun to build plots with involving my own. Hook, line, sinker for my creative outlet driven heart.

I kiss the top of Cooper’s head. “Not writing tonight. I’ve got a husband to cheer up and cuddle the fuck out of,” I say against the curve of his neck with a soft kiss. “Finish eating. I'll get towels out for the shower.” I pull away and go to do just that.

Once the towels are on the counter in the bathroom, I go into our spare room where I’ve set up my office. Within a few seconds I’m logged in and sending Chris a message.

Tegan

Hey, you. I won’t be going into the room tonight. Hubby had a rough night and I want to spend some time with him. If you leave me a response to my last post, I’ll post as soon as I’m off work tomorrow. I hope you have a great night.

I hit send and log back out without waiting for his reply. It’s rare for him to immediately respond to me anyway, which is why it’s been easy enough to keep that distance. There’s no long conversations or writing stints to keep me engrossed.

I strip down and it doesn’t take long for Cooper to join me in the shower once he hears the water running. My naked other half steps up in front of me while my head is tilted back under the spray.

Those calloused hands slide over the flare of my hips and I feel his lips graze along the column of my throat.

It’s not a passionate touch.

It’s like he needs an anchor. He’s lost in his head and needs a way out.

This will not be about me at all, and I’m okay with that. He needs his peace and I’m the one that gives that to him. I continue through my routine, washing my hair and rinsing it clean before I focus on him fully.

“What do you need, baby?” I murmur softly against his ear and feel his body shiver against my own.

“You. Just you.” He breathes the words against my neck before his hands slide up my back and grip my shoulders as if I’m about to be torn away from him. “I just need you.” His voice sounds so rough with emotion.

It’s full of all the things he won’t talk about for fear of looking weak.

Gently, I comb my fingers through his hair until it’s fully soaked through; and with him still clinging to me, I start to lather shampoo into those dirty blonde strands.

His hair has grown down to his shoulders in the last year; and he’s started to grow and keep a short beard.

Cooper is no longer my baby faced asshole that can get into bars without getting carded.

Now he’s rugged, blue collar seasoned, and hiding behind a mask that he so rarely lets crack.

After the thick suds are rinsed from his hair, I press a soft kiss to the shell of his ear. “Let's get you to bed, Mr. Michaels. We both know that shower sex never works, despite what the books and movies tell us.”

I smile and he gives me a little lift at the corner of his mouth. It’s not a full smile, but I at least got some light through his darkness.