Page 14 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Chapter nine

Cooper

A little more than a year later

“ M an, I really don’t know how you made this look easy. I feel like I haven’t slept since she was born and I’m not even there.” Theo tells me on FaceTime while I watch Tegan holding my childhood best friend’s infant daughter.

Hannah is napping in her Pack n’ Play that seems to travel with us everywhere these days. Since she started walking, I think Tegan and I have to check each other for gray hair far too early in life.

Annie went to take a nap almost as soon as we arrived. She’d wanted so badly to have a baby when she found out Theo was getting deployed to Iraq.

She didn’t realize that she would be doing the early parts alone.

That was until that test was positive and he had marching orders in hand.

I laugh and shake my head. “Yea and you’ll be coming home right when she starts walking. I can tell you now, I miss the days when Hannah just sat in her bouncy chair and was just happy to do that. Now she’s in the playpen or she’s into everything.”

“How’s Annie? She didn’t answer earlier when I called.” He looks upset about the fact. I almost wonder if he’s out of touch with just how much she’s doing on her own.

“Honestly, man, she either wasn’t near her phone when you called or she was busy with Paisley. I can’t tell you how often Tegan leaves her phone in a different room while she’s dealing with a diaper or trying to get Hannah down for a nap.”

Theo’s brow furrows like I’ve confused him.

“She might also be sleeping like she is now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Annie look so exhausted. I thought she was going to cry when Tegan took the baby and told her to go take a shower and a nap.”

That’s when his look shifts from confusion to guilt.

“I told her we needed to wait,” he sighs. “I appreciate you both being there for her. Hopefully when this tour ends, I’ll be able to find a job without re-enlisting.”

”Freeman!”

I hear the stern command coming from outside of wherever he is. I can never tell if he’s calling from inside of a tent or an actual building. “Sounds like you’re about to drop and give someone twenty.”

“Fuck,” he huffs quietly. “Yea… tell Annie I’ll try to call at my usual time next week and make sure she knows I love them both. Bye, Coop.”

The screen goes black and Tegan offers me a soft, understanding smile.

She knows that Theo being overseas isn’t easy for me. The night he called and told me he was being deployed sent me into a panic attack.

I’ve only ever come close to having one of those when Tegan’s father ran into us at the grocery store. He’d tried to pick up Hannah out of her car seat. It was one of the few times Tegan hadn’t cared whether or not we made a scene.

Of course after she raised her voice and told him not to touch our fucking daughter, Wayne had played the victim. He tried to talk to the store security and convince them that he didn’t understand his daughter’s problem. We left and did grocery delivery instead that day.

After Hannah was laid down, Tegan let herself breakdown.

My wife never breaks.

When her grandfather died, she barely cried because she didn’t want her mom to see it.

When her father disappointed her again and again, she took it on the chin like it didn’t phase her at all.

Even when we had fights that were induced by sleep deprivation and a colicky, screaming infant, Tegan was so strong.

She took a minute to breathe and moved onto the next thing that had to be done.

That night though, once she saw Hannah safe in her crib, sleeping soundly without a care in the world, she broke.

In that moment I felt even more helpless than I did when she’d been in labor. Seeing her in so much emotional pain, and the fear that she hadn’t let show when Wayne had reached for Hannah was gut wrenching. I’d wrapped my arms around her and held her for as long as I could.

That was until my own panic set it. I wasn’t panicking over what had happened.

I was panicking over not being able to fix what was breaking my wife.

This strong, brave, relentless woman who danced in the rain, who sang at the top of her lungs in a dive bar, and who laughed at me when one of my stupid pranks backfired on me; she was breaking and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

She’d quickly recovered from her own emotions to take care of me and bring me down from the edge of panic.

I didn’t understand what had happened, but she’d managed it.

Tegan had managed it like she manages every other thing in her life. It was like she’d never been crying or scared or worried to begin with.

She’d taken care of me like that when I had gotten the news from Theo about his deployment too. That was a full blown panic attack.

He was the only friend I had, and he was going off to an active warzone. I wasn’t cut out for the Army. I couldn’t go with him to watch his back. She had somehow coached me through that attack with her gentle assurances.

Now she’s rocking my best friend’s infant daughter in her arms like she’s done with Hannah so many times. She’s sitting there taking care of someone else’s kid because that’s who she is.

She’s the person who helps those in need.

My wife gives so much of herself to other people and not a damn one of us deserves it.

“You want to hold her?” she asks me quietly and I shake my head.

“No, and you might want to lay her down before Hannah wakes up and gets jealous again.” I chuckle softly enough that it doesn’t disturb either baby.

We still have things to unpack at home, so I know as soon as Annie wakes up, I’m going to have to get Hannah into the car.

We found a house to buy with only my income. Even a year later, Tegan hasn’t been able to repair her credit enough from the damage Wayne did.

At least I can take care of her this way.

I can put a roof over her head and not be in a rundown apartment that constantly has problems. We still aren’t in the best part of town, but our other option was a house in the same county where her dad now works for the Sheriff's Department.

After Tegan told me about his friends at the hospital, my imagination went wild with everything he could find out by working within the system.

We weren’t in love with the house we bought, but it was outside of her father’s jurisdiction.

I’m having to work a lot more to pay for it while trying to keep Tegan from working a job that requires Hannah to be in daycare.

I feel like I’m never home anymore; and when I am we’re doing things like giving Annie a break. I’m constantly looking for a better paying job so maybe I don’t have to work so much.

I know my frustrations are getting to Tegan. She seems more docile around me when I’m at home. We still have our moments of flirting and playfulness, but it’s nothing like before Hannah was born.

Tegan’s always direct and telling me when she feels tired or overwhelmed. She tells me when she feels cooped up. She’s even told me she’s taken up a writing hobby online.

I’ve read some of the stuff she’s written and it’s pretty good. I don’t really understand the appeal, but she’s told me that she finds other people to write with.

The sites are called role play forums. She was always in theatre programs when we were dating. Her love for it came from her love of reading and escaping into fictional worlds when reality was too much.

It’s an escape.

I know she’s talking to other people, men and women alike, but she’s always open and honest with me about it. If I want to read it, she lets me read it.

I just wish she didn’t feel the need to escape anything at all.

Tegan

Once we’re back home a few hours later, Cooper takes Hannah to give her a bath, and I lean against the wall outside out of the bathroom.

“I know you didn’t see it because you were sleeping, but Mommy was holding another little girl today. I think she misses you being little, but you were such a diva coming into this world that I don’t think I can put your mom through that again.”

Hearing him talk to our daughter melts my heart every single time. His tone only slightly changes, but otherwise he talks to her like she understands every word he says. Her giggles and splashing indicate that she’s definitely enjoying this gossip.

“One day Paisley will be big enough to play with you. Just don’t break anything at Uncle Theo’s house. Those guitars cost a lot of money and I don’t think you’re ready to replace a Fender Strat at your age.”

I hear Hannah giggle again and I cover my mouth to keep them from hearing my own quiet laughter.

Leaving them to their conversation, I go to the kitchen to put a lasagna into the oven for our dinner before I change into yoga pants and a tank top.

I’ve lost a little weight. It’s not nearly enough to feel much better about myself, but it’s a start. So I do my stretches and a light workout until it’s time to put Hannah down for the night.

Cooper kisses the back of my neck while I rub our daughter’s back. When she finally drifts off, we sneak out of her room. After checking to make sure the baby monitor is turned on, I ask, “You hungry?”

He shakes his head. “No. I’ll take leftovers for lunch tomorrow though. I wish I’d known you were throwing dinner into the oven. I would’ve told you not to worry about it.” He presses a soft kiss to my brow as he asks, “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. I’m caught up on assignments and I’ve done some data entry work, so we should see a check from that next week.” I know he hates that I’m working at all, but I’m not one to just sit idle while Hannah takes her naps through the day either.