Page 46 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

I can’t help but laugh at that. I know it was a rule Chris had for her that he did not reciprocate at all. He could do as he pleased with no consequence until he’d lost such a precious human in his life.

I know this is her way of testing me and proving to herself that she’ll find some flaw.

Of course, I have no doubt she'll eventually find my flaws, but turnabout is fair play, even in a dynamic like ours.

She likes to be submissive to a degree, however Tegan is a fiercely strong woman who needs her time to be in control as well.

“Rule number five will apply to both of us, then. Doesn’t matter who says it first or last, as long as we both say it. If I forget, I lose a blowjob. If you forget, I add to the running tally and you’ll spend our entire first day together on your knees should that day ever come.”

For a long moment, it seems like my agreement stuns her into silence. I watch her blink at the phone for what feels like forever before I see the subtle bob of her throat as she swallows her shock.

“What if that day never comes?” she asks quietly and I know this is the fear she has for us.

Cooper might never come around to the idea of her actually being with me. No matter how much we bond or how willing he is to let us have what we have now.

The odds are that he’ll never be okay with us having physical contact.

As much as that thought pains me, I’d rather have what I have with Tegan now, than have nothing with her at all.

I meet her eyes on the screen and offer her a warm, loving smile. “Then I’ll never get to cash in on the dozens, if not hundreds, of blowjobs you’ll no doubt owe me.”

Her laugh is genuine. Even if it’s so soft that I barely hear it. I earned it all the same.

“I love you, baby girl.”

The words slip free before I even have a chance to consider them. It’s another round of stunned silence that has me blinking once, twice, three times…

“I– Fuck I don’t think I’ve ever actually told you that, have I?”

Tegan shakes her head slowly, and for a minute I think I’ve royally fucked up. “Do you mean it?” she asks so softly it almost breaks my heart.

“I never say anything I don’t mean. You know that, pretty girl.”

Her smile blooms and the heart that just almost broke from her whispered words swells.

“Even if this is all we ever get, our FaceTimes, phone calls, texts, and writing… It's enough and I love every second of it.”

That beautiful smile hasn’t faded from her face.

“I love you too,” she says and I don’t think the words have ever hit me as hard or meant as much as they do in that moment. This girl has given her heart so easily to others before me. It’s bruised and battered with a number of scars that are still going to take time to fade.

I know many people would call her stupid or naive for doing so over and over again; but I see Tegan for who she is.

Her heart was made to love others, even if they don’t fucking deserve it.

It’s not her fault that she loves without condition and those that she’s given that amazing gift to didn’t know how to return it, Cooper being the exception.

The fact that she’s giving me some piece of her after all of those battle wounds means everything.

“As much as I love hearing you say that, and will want you to say it as often as your heart desires, I have to add another rule to the list.” I tell her and she pokes her lip out in a pout. “Rule number six is that you will not tell me you’re fine, when you’re absolutely not fine.”

Tegan

One moment I’m riding the high of Morgan telling me he loves me without prompt or a hint of manipulation. The next I’m like a deer in the headlights being called on my bullshit.

His rules were supposed to be a sort of safety net for me.

I’ve always been honest with Morgan about the way Chris handled our relationship.

He set parameters and I was expected to fit into those parameters.

I set boundaries, and Chris fucking pushed them under the guise of nudging me out of my comfort zone.

Morgan had set his first rule so I knew that putting Hannah and Cooper first would never lead to a silent treatment, or any other kind of negative consequence.

His second rule had been a tease one night when the writing had gotten exceptionally spicy, and he knew I had the next day off of work with Hannah going to daycare.

He wanted me aching by the time he got me on the phone the next day. After an entire day of torment, he finally let me get myself off with his voice in my ear.

I didn’t argue about his third rule because I know I apologize too much. I just don’t know how to break the habit. My competitive nature is what we’re banking on kicking in with that rule.

I hadn’t truly expected him to go along with me making rules for him; but when he’d agreed to the ones I made, something clicked into place for me.

It took so long to open up to Morgan, and still he knows exactly what I need.

I need to know that this arrangement is okay, because we really have no guarantee that Cooper will ever be okay with things going further.

He knows I’ll never leave my husband for another man.

Yet here he is, willing to have just this… and he sees right through my mask.

“Do I need to ask you again, or can you tell me how you’re actually doing after everything?”

Morgan presses and those two words are right there on the tip of my tongue.

“Don’t. This isn’t a funny blowjob tally kind of rule break. I’m asking you to trust me and be honest with me, baby girl. Don’t fucking hide from me…” his tone is so gentle and full of the love he just proclaimed, that I swallow down those two words.

I have to be fine.

I have to take care of Hannah.

I have to take care of Cooper.

Neither of them can mentally care for themselves the way that I can. Giving other people any part of that burden, even just talking about it, feels like I’m trying to put it off on someone else. It feels like I’m asking for attention.

I don’t want attention or pity or advice. I just want to be as fine on the inside as everyone sees on the outside… except Morgan. He seems to see right through it all. Honestly, I don’t think I ever had him fooled.

I take a deep breath through my nose and meet his eyes on the screen.

“I don’t want to lie to you. I really am— okay.

I’m not physically hurt. Wayne’s threat terrifies me.

I’ve already called the school to get all the paperwork in place so that only certain people are allowed to pick up Hannah.

There will be a whole process with ID and if they aren’t on the list, they have to call me.

If it’s Wayne they are to call the police.

Cooper has had these kinds of stretches before when he doesn’t know how to talk through what’s going on in his head.

He will come around when he’s ready. I can’t force it out of him.

Hannah has been acting like nothing at all happened.

She’s enjoyed staying home with me today and she’s napping peacefully. ”

I offer him a weak smile and shake my head.

“Everything is fine, so I am too. There’s no reason to bog you down with anything else when it all worked out.”

Morgan is still looking at me with an intensity I can’t really describe. “After Cooper laid down last night, what did you do?”

My brows furrow in confusion because it’s not like him to ask me to repeat myself. He’s a pretty good listener. “I told you. I tried to get him to talk to me. I rubbed his back and talked to him until he fell asleep.”

He nods and shifts in his office chair, propping his elbows on the arms of the chair and lacing his fingers together over his abdomen. It’s only now that it clicks that he’s taking the time to talk to me while he’s at work.

Dressed in his soft blue button up shirt that makes his hazel eyes pop, his smoothly groomed, salt and pepper beard looking sleek, and his hair combed back meaning he has client meetings today. He looks like he could command a room with just this pose alone.

The problem is, the pose is directed at me.

“Who held you, Tegan?”

I open my mouth to tell him I didn’t need it, but close it almost as soon as I take a breath. The question hits me square in the chest and I have to look away from his handsome face.

“Talk to me, love. You’re not bogging me down with anything. Talk. To. Me.” I must be quiet for too long because he adds, “Please.”

Looking down at my hands where I hold them laced together, I scratch one knuckle with the opposite thumbnail and take a deep breath.

“No one held me. Hannah is my seven year old daughter who was basically kidnapped yesterday. Cooper was–still is– spiraling from how everything went down. Neither of them are in a state to hold and comfort me,” I tell him honestly.

“It’s my job to take care of them. No one calms Coop down like I do.

He won’t open up to anyone but me about how he’s feeling, and that takes time.

Hannah can’t tell me how she’s feeling, but I know yesterday was the worst meltdown she’s ever had.

So I need to keep my shit together in case she needs me again.

If I break down there’s no one left to support them. ”

Morgan nods his understanding. “What about the support group you told me you joined last month? Any close friends? Your sisters? Your mom?” he asks.

I know he’s not pushing, he’s just trying to go through the obvious options.

I shake my head. “My mom and sisters will take Hannah for me if I need the time and if they have the time off work. Sadly there’s not much anyone can really do with this situation.”

“I don’t just mean this situation, baby girl. I mean when you need someone to hold you through a really good cry. I mean when you need to fall apart, who gives you a hand in picking up the pieces and putting them back into place?”