Page 44 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

“She won’t stop fucking screaming! I just wanted to take her to get some ice cream. I was going to call you and let you know where we were; but she wouldn’t stop crying when I got her into the car. She kept screaming about a car seat. She’s old enough that she doesn’t need one!”

He sounds like a petulant toddler… which is saying something considering the red faced meltdown that my child is currently having in his backseat. I vaguely hear another car pulling up, but I’m walking around the car to approach the backseat.

Hannah’s hands are balled into tight little fists and she’s punching herself in the face while screaming to the point of strangulation.

“Fuck,” I hiss between my teeth and open the door then kneel down to her level. “Hey, Little Bit… can you hear me?”

It’s so hard to keep my voice soothing and calm when my heart is shattered and pounding with rage all at the same time.

“What the fuck is wrong with her? You’ve spoiled her Teg—” I hear Wayne cut off by the sickening sound of flesh striking flesh. It’s not like the slap I delivered to the same man a few months ago.

Hannah won’t look at me, so I look through the window to see Wayne stumbling back from the blow. Then I hear Cooper speak in a cold, vengeful tone that I’ve never heard before.

“Have you lost your fucking mind? You just take our daughter from school without saying a goddamn word?!”

I can’t comfort them both right now. I can’t. I can’t… “Cooper! Stop!” I call and Hannah screams louder because I’m too close to be speaking so loud near her.

Fuck.

The only thing her louder wails seem to do is pull her father’s attention away from my own sire. “I need her blanket, baby. Please.”

Cooper must sense the panic in my voice, because he delivers a glare to the man still groaning over his busted face before he walks back to his car.

Coop threw an impressive punch. The skin on Wayne's left cheek is split and his lip is bleeding on that same side. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction to see him like that while my daughter is having her worst meltdown to date.

I watch helplessly as she punches herself and I try to grip her little wrists; but that only makes her scream louder in what sounds like pain.

“Just get her out of the damn car so I can leave!” Wayne groans. “I didn’t do anything to upset her. She’s just a titty baby.”

I hear the door slam with Cooper coming back out.

“Don’t,” I tell him because I know my husband heard what Wayne said. I do not have the ability to get Hannah safely inside while he wails on the bastard… even if he deserves every punch.

He hands me the weighted blanket and my heart seizes in my chest. I know this is going to be so much worse before it starts to get better.

“Okay, Little Bit. I’m going to make your blanket hug you… then we’re going to go inside. I’m so sorry if it hurts, baby. Mama’s so so sorry…”

I don’t think she hears me over her screams, but I have to get her inside. I click the seatbelt free.

Thank God he at least buckled her in.

Wrapping the blanket around her carefully, I feel something soft pressing against my arm. Cooper’s pressing her favorite teddy bear towards me, and I almost sob.

He must’ve gotten it from his car too .

I hand it to her inside her little weighted cocoon just as Cooper is reaching in to scoop her up.

“If I have her, I can’t hit him, ” he murmurs to me and carries Hannah inside while she screams like she’s being burned. With her kicking and thrashing, I have no idea how Cooper keeps his hold on her; but he continues inside the house.

“Tegan, what the fuck?” Wayne yells from the other side of the car.

“Leave my property. I need to finish talking to the cops and calm my terrified daughter down,” I tell him and walk towards the front door.

“And tell them what?” he sneers. “I brought her home, Tegan. What are they going to charge me with? Making my overly coddled granddaughter cry because I didn’t give her what she wanted? Maybe they should take her away from you , since you obviously don’t know how to discipline your kid.”

Maybe Coop had the right idea and punching him really is the answer…

As if my body agrees with that very thought, my fingers curl into fists and I grit my teeth. “I’ll make sure to share your thoughts with them.”

“You know I still work for the police department.”

“Not in this county, Wayne.”

He smiles and it is a chilling thing to see with his bloodied lip and cheek along with his menacingly calculating eyes.

“He still assaulted an officer…” His voice is so calm and sure that gooseflesh prickles over my skin. I can still hear Hannah screaming, but now I’m frozen in place. “You sure you want to finish that phone call? I can make his life pretty difficult…”

We can’t afford for Cooper to have a record.

If Wayne files charges, he’ll not only lose his job with the shelter, but it will be impossible to find another job that can support us.

Either that or I would have to go full time at my paralegal job and not work from home.

Neither scenario ends with Cooper in a good place mentally, especially when he’s already struggling as it is.

Wayne must see my entire thought process play over my face, because he nods.

“I thought so.”

He winks, spits the blood from his mouth onto the driveway, and pats the roof of the car.

“Have a good night, sweetheart. Make sure you do a little better with disciplining my granddaughter and teaching her manners. Your mama and I were better examples than that.”

Then he settles into the driver’s seat and backs out of the driveway without a second glance.

My blood feels like ice in my veins as my feet finally move.

I rush through the house to Hannah’s room, picking up my phone from the floor along the way.

The dispatcher must’ve hung up a while ago, or maybe I hung up before I dropped my phone, but I can’t finish the report anyway… not without Cooper suffering.

When I get to my little girl’s room, Cooper has picked up her toys and latched the toy box closed. Only her pile of stuffies remains on the floor with my screaming, crying daughter still wrapped in her blanket.

Only this time, Cooper isn’t out in the hall waiting it out.

Instead he is lying on the floor in front of her with her lying on the floor facing him.

He’s watching her eyes, gently holding onto her little fists so she can’t hit herself anymore; and he’s speaking in a low voice that I can barely hear.

I can’t really make out what he’s saying, but I sink down to the floor to sit and just watch them.

She’s here. She’s safe. She’s still screaming because he won’t let go of her hands; but even in her worst times, we have to keep her from hurting herself. His thumbs are gently rubbing over her knuckles while he speaks so quietly, I don’t even think Hannah can hear him.

I send Morgan a quick text to let him know it’s a bad night. I tell him I’ll explain later, but I don’t want him to worry since I didn’t respond to his text just before Cooper had called. As part of Coop’s plan to give me an afternoon off, he’d called Morgan to let him know I had some time alone…

How lovely of Wayne to shoot that entire afternoon to shit.

After watching the two of them for hours, Hannah finally starts to calm down.

She’s still sniffling and whimpering, but she isn’t fighting Cooper anymore.

She’s actually holding onto his fingers while he speaks.

Without the wails permeating the airwaves, I can now hear him as he starts to speak again.

“Deddy gets the crawlies too sometimes. Everything feels like too much no matter what. Your mama can give me a hug and it feels like a thousand bugs crawling all over me, all because I’m not ready for her to hug me yet.

I love your mama’s hugs though. They make me feel like a whole, happy person.

It doesn’t make sense for them to sometimes hurt and make me want to run away. ”

Those sweet, red rimmed eyes bounce to me for a moment, then she looks back at her father.

“I think you handle the crawlies better than I do. My bad days are a lot quieter than yours, but I think they hurt just as much in a different way.”

He’s still stroking her knuckles so gently and I can’t speak. I don’t want to break this peaceful bubble they’ve found.

“When I’m really scared is when it hurts the most, I think. I bet you were scared when a stranger picked you up from school today.”

Hannah nods and I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks. I roll my head forward to let it hang so she can’t see my face.

“Mommy and I are going to do everything possible to make sure that never happens again. I promise. Okay? That will never happen again.”

I can see the trust and faith in her father shining in her pitifully red eyes as she nods her acceptance of his promise.

“How about we try to make some grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner? We don’t want to make mommy cook tonight.”

I hear Cooper ask and I lift my head in time to see him press a kiss to Hannah’s forehead while she nods.

“Alright. I’ll go make those for you and you get to pick the movie you want to watch tonight, okay?

” She nods and agrees again before Cooper gets up, looking very much like a zombie as he walks out of the bedroom towards the kitchen.

“Coop?” I ask softly as he moves past me in the hall and shakes his head.

His hand opens in offering to help me up off the floor; and when he pulls me up, he presses a soft kiss to my forehead and nods towards Hannah’s room.

“Do whatever she needs. I–” he pauses and sighs, shaking his head, “I’m gonna make the sandwiches.” He lets go of my hand and continues into the kitchen without another word.

I’m at a loss and torn. Every part of me is screaming to help them both, but I don’t know how.

I selfishly need to hold my daughter and never let her go after feeling like I’d never see her again…

it was only twenty minutes of not knowing where she was, but it was a panic like I’ve never felt before.

I need to assess Cooper and where he is mentally.

Why can’t I just be what both of them need at the same time?

I brush the tears away from my cheeks, and walk into Hannah’s room where she’s still lying on the floor. She’s curled up on her side and cocooned in her weighted blanket, hugging her teddy bear like a lifeline.

Slowly, I kneel down and hold up my hand so she can see that it’s empty and far enough away for her to say no.

“Is it okay for Mama to touch?”

Hannah is slow to nod, but she does, granting me silent permission to brush her damp waves away from her sweaty forehead. It’s amazing how much the body goes through during such an overstimulating situation.

Gently, I stroke her hair back as she sniffles. There are little bruises forming from how hard she was hitting herself along her forehead and hairline. A new hatred for my biological father carves itself out in my soul.

“Want to take a bath while deddy cooks?” I ask her in a calm voice, proud of myself for not showing the rage I’m feeling in my tone.

Hannah sniffles again but nods and slowly unfolds herself from her blanket to set her teddy bear to the side, then reaches up for me.

“Hugs no hurt anymore, Mama,” she says softly and it takes every ounce of self control I have not to burst into tears.

For the last few years I’ve tried to find ways to reach my daughter on some level of understanding how she feels. I know what the articles and research tell me, but I’ve never been able to fully understand how to communicate with my own child when she’s overwhelmed.

Somehow, in the midst of her worst meltdown, Cooper made a connection I never would’ve made myself. Gratefully, I wrap my arms around my little girl and take her to the ensuite in our bedroom for a bath.