Page 20 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Chapter fourteen

Cooper

T egan leads me out of the shower after shutting off the water, and I have no idea what I’ve ever done to deserve this woman.

She worked today. She took care of dinner, got Hannah through her night time routine, and now she’s fed me and washed my hair. Now she’s drying me off with the softest towel I think we own, and she’s doing it so meticulously that I know she’s trying to make sure I have nothing to spiral over.

I don’t have to tell her that it was a bad night. I don’t have to tell her that my thoughts have gone into a very dark place.

She knows. She knows and she’s taking care of me through it.

I love her even more for not pushing me to talk when I don’t feel like it. Honestly, saying the words out loud doesn’t do anything productive. It makes me relive the worst parts of my day and sends my mind spinning in so many different directions that lead nowhere good.

No, it’s better to focus on her and the peace she brings me. My girl escapes the troubles of life in fictional worlds and smutty shenanigans with her latest partner Chris.

My escape is her.

She’s my peace, my safe haven, my everything.

I have a date with a friend next weekend, and maybe another partner will help take some of the burden I put on Tegan a bit lighter. I battle my demons with the release of sex, which isn’t always possible with depression medications.

I can’t always get off, no matter how phenomenal my wife is in bed.

The technical term for the side effect is prolonged ejaculation , which sounds fantastic on paper.

Being able to fuck my wife into a coma without blowing my load too soon sounded like one amazing side effect.

That was until the fourth or fifth time we had sex and I still didn’t have an orgasm.

I knew by the look on Tegan’s face that she was feeling self conscious. Her weight loss efforts haven’t exactly produced the results she was hoping for over the last year. The stress of Hannah’s therapy appointments plus the stress of my own diagnosis derailed her own motivation.

I’ve told her over and over that it isn’t her.

Tegan could turn me on just by breathing in my direction, but my head gets in the way far more than I care to admit.

My own brain seems to be my worst enemy these days.

I’m either too depressed to show interest, too distracted to give her my full attention, or too tired from working to give a damn about anything but viewing the backs of my eyelids.

Now my mind goes to wondering if it’s really worth it to have sex or initiate it if I’m not even going to get off. Sure, I can take care of her, but really I’ll just trigger another wave of self doubt and deprecation for her if I can’t finish.

My wife is the most understanding and empathetic creature on the planet, but telling her all of this is embarrassing. I’ve told her before and she has the memory of an elephant, so there’s no point in repeating it over and over again.

Why drag myself through the thoughts all over again just to give them voice? I know she gets it, so she’ll understand if I pull away from her…

She finishes drying me off and draws my whirlwind of thoughts back to those mesmerizing and soothing eyes. I focus on the flecks of blue, green, and gray and the way her eyes crease at the corner when she smiles up at me.

There’s so much love and care in her simple expression that I can’t help but to press a tender kiss against her lips. I don’t need to thank her. She knows I’m grateful.

She knows me too well to not know that I appreciate everything she does for me. I need her.

I always need her.

Tegan grounds me when the darkness wants to wrap around me and pull me into a void full of self loathing. The darkness is an echo chamber for every negative thought I have about myself, filled with words from my parents, siblings, old teachers, co-workers, and church leaders.

You wouldn’t want your sister having a life like yours, would you?

Children suffer for the sins of the father. Perhaps you should consider that after Hannah’s diagnosis.

Is this really what you are doing with your life?

You could provide so much more for your family.

Why would you put tattoos on your body? You struggle enough to find a good job as it is.

You’ll be a dog catcher for the rest of your life if you don’t start respecting yourself and doing better.

She’s never going to stay with you if you don’t do better.

Tegan will take Hannah away and find a better life for both of them if you don’t make more money.

“Cooper?” Tegan’s concerned voice pulls me back to her again, and I blink a few times to rid myself of the demons trying to pull me under. “Where did you go?”

I shake my head and give her another soft kiss. “I’m fine.”

It’s a lie I tell her and myself often, but she can always tell when I’m being honest and when I’m hiding from her.

She nods and puts the towel back on the drying rack before taking my hands to lead me into our bedroom.

I know we should go to sleep. I know I shouldn’t seek comfort in my wife’s body to chase away my demons. I know I shouldn’t get her hopes up and then lead her down some path of insecurity, but I need my escape.

I need to stop thinking about all the horrible things I saw on the job tonight. I need to be lost in her softness, surrounded by her, and that sweet scent of her body wash.

I need her.

Tugging on her hands, I sit on the foot of the bed and pull her to stand between my spread thighs.

Gently I kiss her abdomen, the place she’s the most self conscious about.

It’s something I’ve done ever since the first time she took her clothes off in front of me.

Tegan has never been proud or confident in her body, and I’ve always tried to show her that I love every curve, no matter what she thinks about herself.

I want her to know she’s always been perfect to me and for me. I want her to know there’s no part of her that I don’t love or desire.

Her hands slip free of my grip, and I feel her nails scratch gently against my scalp while her fingers thread through the damp strands of my hair. she whispers and presses a kiss to the top of my head.

“Right now I am, Beautiful.” I reply and kiss her stomach again while my hands slide up the outsides of her thighs. “I don’t want to think about it anymore tonight. I just need you.”

Even I can hear the soft plea in my voice, and I have to fight hard not to fall into that echo chamber of condemnation once again for sounding so weak.

Tegan flexes her fingers in my hair and slowly sinks down to her knees in front of me. No one in this world has ever looked like a goddess while kneeling the way she does.

The woman could rule the world from her knees, but tonight she’s giving me what I need instead.

She’s distracting my hurricane of thoughts with her soft caresses against my naked thighs.

She’s anchoring me with her understanding, devoted gaze; and she’s throwing me a lifeline in the midst of my tumble into the void when she wraps her lips around my semi hard cock.

”Fuck!” Hissing through my teeth, I slide my hands back against the bed. I can’t grab onto her or I’ll hurt her.

I could never treat Tegan like those girls in porn movies.

She’s not a whore, she’s my wife. My partner. My soulmate.

I would never degrade her like that when I’m not even deserving of her as it is. I know she likes it rough when we fuck, but I struggle with that sometimes too. Still, the woman knows my body well enough that I don’t need to reach down and grip her head.

She knows exactly what to do. The heat of her mouth envelopes my length and I feel my arousal growing against her talented tongue.

My eyes close and my head rolls back with my fingers curling into the duvet. I feel one of her hands braced on my thigh while the other cradles my balls with her soft fingers rolling them in a gentle massage.

There’s so many sensations at once that my mind can’t go into any direction that doesn’t lead to her.

Her cheeks hollow out and the firm suction makes me suck in a breath before I fall back against the bed, just relishing the exquisite feeling of my wife giving me head. She sucks firmly, sinking down to the base until the pierced head of my cock presses against the back of her throat.

I can feel the moment her gag reflex kicks in, and those muscles tighten just before she pulls back to tease my piercing with her tongue while she recovers.

The grip on my thigh tightens while the one on my balls stays just firm enough to give pleasurable tugs.

All the while her mouth continues to alternate between sucking, licking, and swallowing around my cock.

I focus on breathing and enjoying every delectable thing she does to me that keeps me anchored to her. It feels so good and I feel like I’m right on the edge of release, just teetering on that cliff and waiting to fly over the peak.

I’m so close to that orgasm that I can taste it.

Focusing on that blissful feeling, I breathe through my nose heavily, reaching, relishing the heat of her mouth and the tantalizing tug of her fingers over and over again.

My hips start to buck up into her mouth some, letting her know what she’s doing to me and just how close to release she’s managed to get me.

I’m so lost in the sensation that I don’t realize how much time has passed when I feel Tegan’s movements slowing down.

My cock still feels swollen and is throbbing with that need for release. Her grip on my thigh has left nail marks, her head is bobbing slower, and while she’s still making my toes curl, she’s definitely getting tired.

So close, I’m so close and I don’t want to be denied by my own body again.

My control snaps and I reach down to grip her damp hair in my fist and thrust up into her. She moans and the vibrations add yet another sensation rippling through me. That’s all it takes to finally tip me over the edge.

I thrust once, twice, three more times before I finally explode and fill her mouth with my release.

Tegan moans again, swallowing down every last bit of me as I release her hair and fall back onto the bed. I’m panting like I’ve just run a fucking marathon, and my body is spasming with aftershocks of pleasure.

The vixen on her knees beneath me apparently isn’t done drawing out every tremor, because she sucks and licks my full, pulsing length over and over again. She knows how sensitive I am after I’ve climaxed, and she’s pushing the limits of my sanity with every swirl of her tongue.

Tegan sucks me slowly from base to tip, moaning the entire time like she’s enjoying every second of what she’s doing to me. Finally, I lift my head. It takes every ounce of willpower in my soul to keep my eyes from rolling to the back of my head; but I meet her gaze down the length of my body.

“You’re… fuck, Tegs…”

I breathe the words through gritted teeth before I grip her hair again, and pull her off of my cock in desperation. “Are you…trying… to kill… me?” I pant out and hear her throaty, self satisfied laughter.

There’s a pull from her head as she leans to try and capture my cock between her lips again, but I tug back on her hair once more.

“Get up here, woman.” Her laugh is like a caress to my soul as she finally shows me some mercy, crawling up onto the bed to straddle me. I can feel the heat of her slit pressing against my deflating cock.

That turned her on.

I’ve never hated my body more when I know I’m too spent to give her any satisfaction. Her lips find mine and I kiss her with all the love and gratitude I have for her. Tasting the saltiness of my release on her tongue, I kiss her even deeper.

I’m the luckiest bastard alive to have the love of this woman. I just wish I could give her body what I can tell it so desperately needs after she saved me from a spiral.

“I love you,” I breathe out against her lips and kiss her one more time before rolling us both to our sides.

After a few more languid kisses, I help her under the covers and curl up with her in my arms. She’s my little spoon.

I kiss along her shoulder to her neck, letting each kiss tell her how much I love her.

I let my lips show my gratitude for all she does for me as they trail over her jaw.

Finally, I press a kiss to her ear and whisper softly against it.

“I love you forever and a day, Gorgeous.”

“I love you too, baby,” she says quietly with a slight shake to her voice, but my eyes close and sleep takes me within seconds.