Page 39 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

“I will say that with Chris you saw the red flags and the things that made you uncomfortable; but you were holding out hope that he would help me open up too. I know I said I was curious, but I want to explore those curiosities with you and not a man. I started looking at other men to see if that attraction was there, but it’s not.

You walking into the bedroom with that strap-on harness though? Sign me the fuck up.”

I chuckle softly and lift my head to smile down at him. “You still haven’t actually let me follow through with that though.”

“Yea, but the idea of it does turn me on. The point is, looking at other guys doesn’t do that for me. So I think my curiosity doesn’t extend to being with another dude, but to—” he trails off, lost for how to explain it.

“But the idea of me pegging you and dominating you draws your attention?” I supply for him.

He nods. “Yes, that. Exactly that. I think that plays into my head never shutting the fuck up when I’m trying to get you off, or to make sure you’re enjoying what we’re doing. If you’re dominating me and taking charge, I don’t have to think about anything except what you’re doing to me.”

Cooper being vulnerable is something I always cherish.

I know it isn’t easy for him to explain the noise in his head or his moods.

There are rare times when he can pull me into the bedroom, lock the door, and go down on me until I’m screaming into a pillow so we don’t draw Hannah’s attention away from a movie we selfishly put on to distract her.

Of course we have all the door alarms set, and everything in the house has been pretty much meltdown proofed.

Then there are weeks or months long stretches where he has absolutely no sexual interest whatsoever.

He’s told me a million times that it has nothing to do with me or his attraction to me.

The medications kill his sex drive and only muffle the noise in his head.

That never completely goes away.

“I can do that for you though… Take all the control and let you shut off your brain to just enjoy things.”

“I know, beautiful.”

He smiles at me as he moves his rough hands to my other foot to ease the tension in the arch on that side.

“I try to keep the scales balanced though. I can’t ask that of you when I have so much trouble giving it in return.

So I want you to take the risk with Morgan.

You haven’t told me about any red flags with him; but if you see them, then please don’t think you have to keep going for a chance at a connection for me.

This is about you and you getting what you need.

I know I have that option too, but it’s not something I want right now and have only tried with Pippa at work. ”

“The one who called me to ask if I was really okay with you going out with her?” I grin and shake my head.

“She sounded so shocked. She thought you were just fucking with her and being your flirty, joking self. I think I heard her eyes pop out of her head when I told her you had to wear a condom if she took you to bed.”

Cooper chuckles and kisses the top of my foot.

“I really did think about going for it that night. I didn’t even care if I was a bad lay.

I wanted to be selfish and just fuck for the sake of fucking.

I don’t have any deep feelings for her. She’s a fun co-worker and we have great chemistry; but there isn’t that need to make sure she’s getting the best orgasm of her life either. ”

He shakes his head as if he’s confused about his own thoughts.

“With you though— I want you to always have the best of everything, so I can’t just be a selfish fuck when we’re together.”

“You know I don’t mind being what you need me to be for you, baby.” My brows furrow a bit. Maybe I haven’t been clear enough with him.

“I know, but when I do that, I know how used you feel.”

His fingers squeeze both of my feet and he shifts again. Crawling up the length of my body to lay over me, bracing his hands on the arm of the couch so his full weight doesn’t press down on me.

“I’m a prick for never calling you out on it; but I’ve heard you crying after I’ve fucked you without getting you off…

when I’m lost in my head. I feel like absolute shit when it happens and I have no idea how to fix it.

It’s why I mostly avoid sex rather than just using you to get out of my head…

even though I know you’d do that for me.

God knows why you love me that much, but I can’t just keep doing that.

I think I eased my own guilt when you had Jackson and Chris because I knew, at least to some extent, you were getting what I couldn’t give you. ”

He braces his weight on one hand while lifting the other to brush a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

Calloused fingertips graze along my jaw, and his thumb and forefinger lightly grip my chin to tilt my eyes back to his.

Apparently my gaze dropped at some point because I was staring at the tattoo of Hannah’s name over his heart.

When he’s satisfied that I’m looking at him again, he kisses my lips softly.

“I don’t need the guy that’s taking care of you to be special to me.

I just need to know he’s taking care of you the way that you deserve.

That’s why I reached out to Chris when he was punishing you.

I don’t pretend to understand the dominant and submissive kink play that you enjoy; but I do get that I’m not always in the right headspace to be present for you emotionally or sexually.

I’m not always like I am right now, where I can be open and talk to you without shutting down.

Hell, I’m fucking shocked at myself currently… ”

I laugh softly. “You’re honest with me all the time, Coop. Yea, you’re quiet and lost in your head more often than not, even with the med adjustments, but I don’t have to have another man in my life if it hurts you.”

“Baby, it doesn’t hurt me. You never hurt me.”

He emphasizes his words with a slight tightening of his grip on my chin. It isn’t painful, but it’s enough to drive the sincerity of his words.

“I give myself hell for not being everything I need to be for you and for you having to be this immovable force of nature for both me and Hannah. I don’t know how you fucking do it.

I do know that you deserve to escape the stress of it and feel as desirable as you are.

You deserve to feel as incredible as you make me feel.

So do not do something because you think it will be better for me.

You do what feels right for you. If he makes you uncomfortable, end it.

Don’t hold out hope that something will come out of it for me.

Don’t risk your heart again if he gives you even the slightest bad vibe.

If he ever wants to talk to me, give him my number and tell him what time he can call me.

He can text me if he needs to; but like I told that fuck wit, I would rather hear his voice when he tells me his intentions with my wife. ”

My tears come back and I nod with a watery smile. “I fucking love you.”

Cooper smiles and kisses my lips with such reverence that it almost shatters me. “I love you too, Mrs. Michaels. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what time are you talking to him?”

“Around five this afternoon.”

He nods and kisses me again. “Good. How late does Hannah usually sleep?”

Cooper usually gets up to handle the outdoor chores on the weekends that he isn’t on call, so he’s busy when Hannah gets her day started.

“She likes to sleep pretty late on Saturdays. Usually until about lunch time.” I answer and glance at the clock on the wall. “So about two more hours… Why are you up by the way? I thought you’d sleep as late as she did since Gary mowed the lawn for us yesterday.”

Our neighbor was trying to pay it forward after someone bought his and his wife’s fancy anniversary dinner the previous weekend. So he had gone through the neighborhood to cut lawns all week.

The fucker just grins at me and leans down to kiss the spot on my neck that makes my toes curl. Soft little bites follow up until the trail ends with a tug at my earlobe. His voice has dropped to a low, gravely tone, and he whispers against my ear.

“Because I know even though my wife is a night owl, she can’t sleep late even if her life depends on it… and I woke up wanting my girl.” I shiver beneath him, loving this mood of his. “Imagine my disappointment when she wasn’t in bed beside me…”

In the next moment, his weight is no longer over me. He’s gripping my hands to pull me up to my feet. I shamelessly take him and his shirtless state in once again, only now he’s sporting an impressive tent in those gray pajama bottoms.

Fuck sweatpants. This material is thinner and shows off the Prince Albert piercing that’s topping off that tent.

I bite my bottom lip when my eyes finally make it up to his face, and he tugs my hands to lead me to our bedroom. We both stop outside Hannah’s door to listen, but she’s still sleeping soundly as we continue to the master and lock the door.

“Two hours?” Cooper asks and pulls at the silk camisole I’m wearing to drag it up over my head, tossing it to the floor. I’m not wearing a bra, even though I don’t have a set of tits that allows a woman to go braless outside of her home.

Saturday mornings are lazy and comfortable until I have to function, sue me.

His fingers curl into the elastic band of the matching sleep shorts and he pulls those down as well.

“Fuck I love that you put nothing on under this.”

His voice is rough with lust, and I’m almost ready to cry because it’s been so long since I heard sincere want in his tone. This isn’t an escape from the noise in his head.

He wants me. His brain is allowing him the space to want me and to be present in it. It’s such a precious thing for us, and I find myself savoring every brush of his fingers against my skin as he helps me to step out of the shorts.