Page 15 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

He lets out a sigh, resting his forehead against mine.

“You didn’t say anything to my parents when they came by yesterday, did you?

Dad won’t shut up about how I picked a small house that isn’t nearly as nice as my sister’s.

He says I need to find a better job because you would be a better mom if I didn’t need you to bring in some income to— What?

” He stops because I’m sure my face looks as livid as I feel.

“A better mom?” I ask with every ounce of offense that I feel.

“You’re not a bad mother, babe. He didn’t mean it like that…

but now that I’ve said it, I get how it sounds that way.

Fuck… he was hounding me, not you. I’m not providing enough.

I’m not taking care of the two of you. I didn’t buy a nice enough house for us.

Hell, I thought if I bought a gun I would be able to protect you better, and I’ve yet to feel like I’ve done that in any capacity.

I didn’t even think that all the way through before I did it. ”

He’s spiraling and I see it in his eyes. This is something he does more and more as he gets more tired and more lost. His parents and their fucking opinions never seem to help.

“Baby, stop. It’s okay.” I cup his cheeks in gentle hands and press a soft kiss to his lips.

“I’m fine. I just wish you could see everything you do for us.

You’re working your ass off. This house is so much better than that shitty apartment.

This is a fucking castle in comparison. We’re together.

Our daughter is healthy and happy. Did you not hear all of those precious giggles through bath time? ”

I smile at him, feeling tears burning the backs of my eyes, but I know if I cry the spiral will just continue further.

“I know that you want your parents to be proud of you, but I swear to you that you’re taking care of us, Cooper. You’re working too hard and need to take a break.”

He shakes his head and wraps his arms around me, hugging me so close that I can no longer look into his eyes. “I don’t fucking deserve you. I swear I’ll be better. This isn’t our destination, I promise. We’ll have a better house one day.”

He’s not listening to my meaning, but at least he’s calming down. At least I don’t feel like I’m losing him to a rabbit hole of panic and fear.

I stand there hugging him for a long time before he pulls back and kisses my forehead again. “I’m going to lie down. It was a long day and I have to be at work early. You coming to bed?”

I check the clock. It’s barely six and the lasagna still has to come out of the oven in another hour or so. “No. I’ll get the food packed up so you can take some to work. I’ll go to bed after that.” He presses a soft kiss to my lips and then disappears down the hall.

This last year has been hard with adjusting to parenthood and moving into this house. It’s been hard with Wayne not contacting me. Instead, he’s running into us in town and seeing Hannah outside of the stipulations I set.

I tried to file a restraining order, but he’s apparently sleeping with two court clerks, one in my county and one in his. Both of my filings were rejected for him not having a history of past violence.

Short of Cooper or me doing something that puts one or both of us in jail, the best we can do is avoid the places he seems to always find us. Three times he’s run into me at the grocery store.

Three different days.

Three different times of day.

It doesn’t matter what I do. It also doesn’t matter that he has multiple stores between his residence and the store we shop at, he still ends up in that particular store. I’ll have to find somewhere else to shop because grocery delivery is an extra expense at this point.

That stress isn’t helping Cooper’s mental state, and asking him to see a doctor triggers a colossal argument that I’m not well rested enough to deal with again.

With Cooper in bed, I settle onto the couch on my laptop and pull up the latest forum I’ve joined. This one seems a bit loose with its plot outlines, but I’ve created a few characters that have almost seamlessly been worked into the running storyline.

One of my favorite writing partners is online as well and I settle in for a couple hours of disappearing into someone else’s world. At least for a little while I can pretend that the problems presented to me have a simple solution— just for a little while.

Tegan

Hey. I have a little time if you want to write a little bit.

Jackson

We could try to go a few rounds. Hubby around?

I pause for a moment, giving my screen a curious look as if he can see me. We’ve been writing together for a few months now, and from time to time some off the cuff personal stuff comes up.

He knows I’m married and I’m basically a stay at home mom for now. I let him know when Cooper is home from work before I log off to spend time with my family. He lets me know when his girlfriend calls him away.

We’ve never actually asked about any of that stuff though. For him to ask if Cooper is around is new and a bit odd. It’s especially odd for it to happen on a night when I’m feeling emotionally vulnerable.

Tegan

Why? Are you asking if he wants to write too? Tired of me and my creations?

Jackson

I just want to know if he’s around and you want to write fiction; or if he’s not around and you feel like doing something else.

Now I’m not an idiot. These last few months are not my first round of online role play.

I’ve written everything from simple smut to a long drawn out story full of world building and character creation.

I even had a long distance boyfriend when I was a teenager, which was probably why I spent a lot of time grounded from being on the internet back when AOL chat rooms were a thing.

I probably should apologize to my mother for the gray hair I undoubtedly gave her during that point in my life.

The problem now is that I’ve never been personal with anyone since picking this hobby back up, and I’d never betray Cooper.

He’s aware of the more sexual scenes I can get into with this style of writing and he’s aware that I don’t give any of my personal information when participating in these forums. I’m escaping reality not signing up for a digital stalker or to be a serial killer’s next victim.

Still, watching my cursor blink on the screen, I’m tempted to see where that kind of attention leads. Cooper wants sex but not often these days. He’s tired from work and when we do end up intimate it feels more like he’s answering his body’s need for release instead of his need to be with me.

I’ve told him as much and he’s apologized, attempted to be a bit better, but his mind still seems to drift away in those moments. Unless he’s having big emotions and allowing passion to consume him, we’re not all that physically connected right now.

Tegan

I’d rather write fictional stuff.

Jackson

So I guess he’s there then?

Tegan

Good night, Jack.

Instead of my escape for the night, I log out and go to take a shower.

When the oven timer goes off, I separate the food into storage containers for lunch before putting them in the fridge.

The entire time I’m completing the mundane task, I think about the bizarre request from someone who has never seemed to want to cross that kind of line.

It had never occurred to me that I wanted to cross that line either, but I’d told Cooper back when we were dating that I was open to relationships outside of our marriage. It’s just never been something we’ve ever seriously acted upon.

Of course, I won’t cross that line without discussing it with him first. Even with him being distant, overworked, and emotionally spiraling, he’s still the love of my life. I won’t risk my marriage.

I still want the chance to work for that smile I fell so deeply in love with when I was fifteen.