Page 33 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)
Chapter twenty-four
Cooper
A Few Days Later
F lowers.
No.
Tegan hates flowers. They die and they either end up in the garbage or she has to make time to turn them into some kind of dried out craft. Jewelry is too expensive and I don’t pay enough attention to what she reads to feel right buying her a book.
I need to get her a gift though.
I fucked up so bad with Hannah the other night, and I need to make it better for my wife. I need to show her that I appreciate everything she does and that I worship the ground she walks on.
My thoughts are spiraling as I walk through the different stores at the mall. The love of my life needs to know that she’s incredible and a card isn’t enough. Hell, a helicopter wouldn’t be enough, but I don’t have the means to make that kind of gesture.
I know that she loved the date night set up, but Chris has only responded to my messages once in the last month or so.
I’ve tried to talk to him since he stood us up, but I’m guessing he was all talk leading up to that night. He’d made it seem like he was willing to explore these curiosities of mine, but his need to have Tegan to himself is making me uncomfortable.
It’s also making my wife act similar to how she did when Jackson started getting shady with her.
That will be a discussion soon, but I can’t take away her outlet. While Tegan escapes the world with her fictional stories in the books she reads and the worlds she creates, my escape is her.
It’s always her.
I know I can’t be that for my girl because I’m such a fucking mess.
The need to have her there for me is ridiculous, and I know it’s a lot for her to deal with.
Seeing Hannah’s meltdown the other night, and finding out just how often she goes through those situations, awakened this need in me to show her I know how strong she is.
I just… I can’t find anything good enough.
Nothing touches how amazing she is or what a force she is to be reckoned with. She also has this dinner with Wayne looming over her, and I know she’s nervous and scared of how it will turn out.
I just hope that she knows she doesn’t have to take any shit from him.
Just like I’m going to tell her she doesn’t have to take any more shit from Chris.
Whatever crawled up his ass, he needs to be a man and handle it.
Leaving her wondering what the fuck she did wrong isn’t right, and I can see that it’s eating away at her.
One thing I know about my girl is that she can take silence and fill in the blanks with the worst case scenarios.
Knowing Tegan, she’s already come up with twenty things far worse than whatever pissed him off.
She’s probably already trying to plan how to fix those different scenarios should they be the one he finally reveals.
A gift will help.
It’ll make her smile and she loves me because I make her smile.
So, I continue to go from store to store, searching for that thing that’s going to cheer up my girl. Finally, I end up at a grocery store.
Simple.
Tegan likes to keep it simple.
She tells me all the time that things don’t have to be expensive to make her happy, and the best things aren’t things at all.
She’s said that ever since before we were actually dating, back when she was giving me dating advice with other girls.
That whole time she’d been unwittingly preparing me to date her. I realize that and laugh at myself.
I’m a fucking moron.
Checking the labels of the sugar free candy I find, I make sure none of it is on her list of things she will no longer eat.
I’m so proud of the work she’s put in; and the smile that grows on her face when she takes a new picture of herself shines with new confidence.
I won’t derail the way she eats in my desperation to make her smile.
I won’t take this new confidence away from her.
I remain conscious of that while building a goodie basket for her.
Between school and her part time work, she doesn’t get to go out and do much for herself.
So, I call her sister and have the most awkward conversation about facial scrubs, mud masks, and home spa treatments.
While Kat describes all of this very weird shit to me, I look through the aisle for the products. I love my sister-in-law. I really do, but she is comparing different brands for me over the phone; and I just need to know what my wife can put on her face without it melting off.
Once I have a basket of candy, at home spa… things, a sweet card, and a funny card that I found hilarious, I check out and head home. At home there’s a sticky note on the microwave.
I smile at the note and go to our bedroom to find it empty, which means my favorite girls are still in Hannah’s room. Setting up the goodies in the center of our neatly made bed, I sign both cards and put the funny one on top. I’ll make her smile first, then she can read how much she means to me.
Making my way down the hall, I peek into Hannah’s room to see our sweet girl as the little spoon.
My wife fell asleep stroking our daughter’s hair from what I can tell, and Hannah drifted off in the safety of her mother’s arms. After everything Tegan explained to me the other night, I was shocked to find that I didn’t feel confused by any of it.
When I’m frustrated or angry, all I want to do is punch a wall or break things.
When I have the extra money, I want to get a tattoo; because I want the outside pain to match the inside pain for that brief amount of time. It makes it all make sense in my head. Those times when I’m feeling too many things at once, I just want to find a way to make it all stop and be quiet.
While I’m old enough to have discovered ways of doing that differently, my little girl is still young and innocent. Screaming and getting away from the things overwhelming her is all she knows to do.
I hate that I’m likely the reason she’s like this.
I know Tegan did her own research; but my own search pulled up that Autism is likely genetic, which means I did this to her.
I’m the reason her life will be more difficult than it has to be.
Add in all the other issues I’m dealing with and I almost resent my wife for wanting a family at all. I wish I’d known these things about myself before we decided to have a kid. I would have told her I didn’t want to pass on my brokenness.
Then again, I watch my daughter sleeping so peacefully and I know down to my fucking soul that she’s not broken.
I might be, but she isn’t.
She has the best mother in the world to guide her and teach her how to fight the “crawlies” and how to regulate herself.
My parents are from the generation that tried to discipline these traits out of me. A meltdown was a temper tantrum and the belt was the best way to fulfill the “if you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about” threat. There were no soothing words or weighted blankets.
There was pain and now pain is the only thing outside of Tegan that brings me back from my own version of the crawlies.
“Deddy?” My daughter’s whispered voice brings me out of my thoughts. It’s now I realize that Tegan and pain aren’t all I have to ground me.
I have a little shadow watching me and needing me to be an example to her.
“Hey, Little Bit.” I keep my voice low so I don’t wake up Tegan. “Want to come show me how to eat these dumplings you made for me?”
Her little nod makes me smile as I ease her mother’s arm off of her and help her to slide free.
“You wait right there.” I tell her, trying not to laugh at her very emphatic and affirmative nod.
Leaning down, I press a soft kiss to Tegan’s temple and smooth her hair back away from her face. “Hannah is going to the kitchen with me, baby.”
Tegan stirs just enough to crack one eye open. It takes her only a second to assess that our daughter is safe and calm before she closes her eyes to relax again.
Hannah tucks her favorite teddy bear into the spot where she was previously laying. We both watch as her mother cuddles the bear closer to her chest before she drifts back to sleep.
“Alright, cutie patootie,” I quietly declare while lifting my giggling little girl up into my arms. “Let’s go see if these are the best dumplings I’ve ever had.”
I look back and see the softest smile tilt one side of my wife’s mouth as we leave the bedroom.