Page 1 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Cooper

Present Day

“ I won’t be gone long, baby.”

I hear my wife’s voice as I stare down at the grass, lost in thought. I feel her squeeze my hand before she pulls away.

She’s leaving.

She can’t leave. I need her. I can’t live without her. There’s nothing good without her. I don’t remember how to laugh when she isn’t home. I don’t remember how to be happy. It’s only miserable chaos. There is nothing calm. Nothing makes sense. She can’t leave.

“How long will you be gone again?” I ask in a voice that is far more calm than the one in my head currently panicking, but it also sounds closer than her quiet tone. She sounds like she’s already so far away.

“Four days, but that includes the day I’m driving back,” Tegan answers, and now her voice is closer, like she’s here with me again, even as she finishes loading up the car.

I carried the suitcase out for her while she carried her pillows and backpack with her computer stuff in it.

She’s going to visit her friend Lorene for a long weekend.

I know she likes to get away and I like to be at home.

I know she’s not leaving me… well not forever, but her being gone is almost painful.

She’s my lifeline.

I don’t know when she became such a lifeboat for me, but I know that I spiral more when she isn’t here. I don’t sleep. I spend time with our daughter, and I think I’m a decent dad; but I know that I am a better one when she’s here with me. I’m just better when she’s here with me.

She can’t leave… but she needs to. I’m a lot for her. I know I’m a lot for her, but she should know how badly I need her.

“You okay?” Her voice pulls me out of my current panicked thoughts.

I blink. Everything feels off, like we’re standing in our yard, but the edges of our reality are fuzzy and out of focus.

Still I nod at her, trying not to look like I’m dying on the inside because she’s leaving me again. It feels like she just went on one of these trips last weekend. I know living hours away from your best friend has to be hard, but they literally talk every day.

Why does she have to go there to spend time with her?

Can’t she just FaceTime her and be in the next room so I know she’s here?

What if she doesn’t come back? What if she meets someone?

What if this is the time that Morgan decides to drive down and join her, despite my boundaries and rules?

What if there’s someone right there who isn’t stuck in his head all the goddamn time that will give her what she deserves?

What if he can give her peace? What if Lo convinces her to leave me the way Theo tries to convince me he’s happier now that he’s single again?

“Coop?” I feel her coming closer to me and the patch of driveway that I was just staring at is now no longer in view.

I feel her squeeze my hand again.

Those blue gray eyes of my wife’s capture me and draw my attention away from the million worst case scenarios flying through my brain.

That calm that I feel with her is right there in those caring eyes.

They almost look like shattered glass. They’re blue in some shards, gray in others, and then there’s the tiniest flecks of hazel that give the illusion that her eyes change colors.

Even when she is livid with me, her eyes always show just how much she loves me.

Fuck, I love her, and she’s leaving.

Again.

“Yea. You’ll be back Monday?” I ask, my voice still that level of calm that does not at all reflect the mess that is my head.

She nods and I watch those eyes of hers bounce back and forth between my own.

The touch of her hand along my bearded jaw soothes me in a way I’ll never be able to explain. Her hands are so soft.

I’ve always worked a blue collar job because I’ve always been good with my hands. She is so smart and worked her ass off to finish two college degrees. Working from home for a major law firm while doing various advocacy and charity projects keeps her from developing calluses.

Fuck, she is still looking at me like I’m going to break. Maybe I’m already broken…

She already answered me. I think… Right. Monday. She'll be back on Monday.

She’s coming back.

Something is beeping in the background. I probably need to change the smoke detectors again. It’s going to irritate Hannah if I don’t. Tegan doesn’t need to do it. Her hands need to stay this soft.

Breaking myself out of yet another spiral that is starting to whirl away from the thought of her soft hands, I rest my forehead against hers and take a deep breath.

I never know what that smell is. Maybe it’s just her, but she swears it’s the soap she uses.

Vanilla bourbon something... I really need to write it down so I can buy her some one day.

Maybe I’ll remember to write it down this time if I just keep thinking about it.

My hands slide around behind her as I pull her into a hug and press a kiss to her soft lips. All these years with this woman and I still panic when she’s going away for a simple get away with her best friend. I’m a grown man.

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

I’ll be fine.

Fuck… did we fuck last night? Did I make sure she remembers that we’re good together there too?

We did. It was amazing. It felt amazing.

It didn’t last very long, but I think she enjoyed it.

I helped clean her up and held her so she knew I loved her.

Fuck, I hope it was good enough so she doesn’t look for someone else while she’s gone.

Will she call Morgan to take care of her?

Should I call Morgan to tell him to take care of her?

“Are you sure you’re good?” Tegan asks against my ear as she hugs me back, her nails lightly scratching my scalp while she combs her fingers through my hair.

She gives the best hugs. They’re so soothing.

I don’t always have time to accept them, because I’ll lose a thought that I’m having and it ruins everything.

I know she understands; but when I have time for these hugs, I feel like they press all my broken pieces back together.

Her voice is so calming, so understanding.

She’s being so careful because she knows my head is a mess.

She loves me more than I deserve. I know I’m not good enough for how wonderful she is, but I’m selfish enough to want her to never leave my side.

I feel her fingers combing through my hair again and hear the beep from the house, distracting me for the briefest moment.

No.

Focus. She asked me a question.

“Yea, baby. I’m good. Just be careful. Text me when you get there. I’ll try not to bother you too much,” I say, because I know I text her like crazy when she’s gone. I’ll be better this time. I’ll make sure she wants to come back to me.

I’ll make sure she never wants to leave me forever.

I won’t be getting much sleep while she’s gone, but I won’t tell her that this time.

I won’t make her feel bad. She’ll have a great trip.

She’ll enjoy some girl time. She’ll come home happy, and we can cuddle up Monday night and I’ll sleep with her touching me.

“Tell Lo I said hey and to take care of you.”

“You know she will. She’s probably already gone grocery shopping and has everything we need to make girl dinner to last the whole weekend.

We’ll only leave the house for coffee, sushi, beer slushies, and the beach,” she chuckles and presses another kiss to my lips as I open the driver side door for her.

I watch her settle in behind the wheel. I just stand there watching her plug up her phone and set up the GPS along with her latest audiobook.

A story better than ours.

A hero that could take her away. Someone who could save her from everything I put her through. Everything Wayne puts her through. Everything she holds together like the magician she is.

“I love you, Coop. I’ll let you know when I get there,” her voice interrupts yet another spiral.I lean down and give her one more kiss. “I love you too.” I shut the door for her and watch her back out of the driveway.

The minute she’s out of sight, my head fills with what feels like a hundred different video screens. Every thought a person could have in a day flies up on those screens, and I experience every single one in a matter of what feels like seconds.

“Hey, dad?” I hear my daughter’s voice behind me.

I turn and see her standing at the front door looking confused. Tegan left as soon as she logged out of work, so around five… but it’s already looking dark outside. Hannah is standing there looking at me as if I’ve lost my mind.

Maybe I have.

She looks older somehow. My little girl is growing up way too fast… “You’ve been out here for like an hour. Aren’t we ordering pizza tonight?” I blink and realize those seconds of being in my head were a lot more than seconds.

“Uh.. yea, kiddo. Let’s order pizza.” I follow her inside, stopping at the door to brace myself for four days without Tegan. This isn’t home when she isn’t here. The moment I walk into the house, I feel anger that I know isn’t justified as I go to order dinner for my daughter and myself.

She left me.