Page 36 of I’m Fine Save Me (The Spiral Duet #1)

Chapter twenty-six

Tegan

One Week Later

Chris

Good evening, Kitten.

I blink at the message that’s waiting for me when I open my laptop.

He’s sent me a couple of messages here and there to remind me I’m being punished for fucking my husband when he stood me up. Those messages included his demands that I stop asking others if he’s safe and still breathing. He hasn’t initiated an actual conversation though.

Literally every part of my brain is screaming at me to be petulant, petty, and downright defiant in my response. I still hate the moniker because he’s proving to be no better than Jackson.

If I’m being honest with myself, I'm ready to just end it and hope he’s not as petty as I think he is. I need my fictional world. Writing and plotting a different story with Morgan the last couple of months has been the only thing keeping me sane.

I wanted so badly to try and be better than whatever I’ve been in the past. I didn’t want to be the person who people get what they need from and then walk away so easily. I wanted to know I could make someone stick around. I wanted to be good enough…

That’s the part of me that taps out a response instead.

Tegan

Good evening, Sir.

Chris

How are you doing?

Tegan

I’m fine, and you?

Chris

I’m missing my Kitten. I think you’ve learned your lesson about following through with plans in my absence.

I grit my teeth, roll my neck, and after a few very satisfying cracks, I let out a long exhale through my nose. Truly, I don’t have the energy to fight with him, as much as I want to.

Last week, I slapped my biological father only to drive home and sing my daughter through a meltdown. After that, I whispered soothing words to my husband until he finally fell asleep.

If I can just apologize, tell him I learned my lesson, and not complain, we will go back to normal. We can dirty talk and flirt to lift my spirits after a long ass day of being everything to everyone.

Tegan

I’m sorry, sir. We didn’t know, but it won’t happen again.

Chris

Good. Now I have a question for you… What’s all this about?

What he posts in the message window looks like a copied conversation between himself and Cooper. I roll my eyes at how he has my husband named in his phone or on his app.

Kitten’s Boy

This silent shit has got to stop. She’s miserable. Just talk to her.

Kitten’s Boy

Seriously, it’s been weeks, Chris… She doesn’t even know what she did wrong. You’re the one that didn’t show up for her. That’s on you. Just fucking talk to her.

Kitten’s Boy

Chris, this is fucking ridiculous. I should just tell her to give up on your ass if you’re going to treat her like shit. She deserves so much better than this petty bullshit. Talk. To. Her.

Kitten’s Boy

You know, all I have to do is tell her that I’m not okay with this anymore and she would just disappear from your life.

Do you really want that? Because I will be the bad guy.

She’ll be less miserable without you adding to her stress.

You were supposed to be the one that helped her when I couldn’t.

This isn’t even about my bi-curious shit.

I’m done thinking that you’ll be someone I’ll ever explore that with.

The more I think about it, the less I even want it.

I barely have the energy to act on the want I have for the amazing woman I married.

She shouldn’t be intentionally neglected by one of us when the other would give his left fucking nut to give her the world.

Kitten’s Boy

Tomorrow. I’m talking to her tomorrow. She deserves better than thinking she did something wrong.

Chris

I’ll talk to her.

The messages are all days or even a week apart except for the last two messages. Chris responded minutes after Cooper issued his last warning.

I don’t fucking deserve that man.

I know our marriage isn't normal. I know if other people looked at our relationship and the things I’m allowed to do with men on the fucking internet, they would look at us like we’re insane. Somehow, Cooper understands my needs; and he benefits from it as well.

Well, I had hoped he would benefit from it. Instead, we’re both just getting shit on.

Tegan

That’s the first I’ve seen of that. I thought when you didn’t show up that night, you were done indulging the idea of you two bonding.

Chris

I get jealous that he gets to actually have you. All I get are pictures, videos, conversations, and the hope of one day breaking him down enough to actually get to touch you. Why wouldn’t I be upset that you two continued on with what he’d planned that night without me?

Tegan

Why didn’t you show up? You know that his mind works differently. You know the things he struggles with. Why would you just not show up after he gave you all the details of his plan? An incredibly hot plan, I might add. I’m fucking proud of him for the thought.

Chris

Something came up and I had to focus on Silvia.

Tegan

And you couldn’t have sent me or Cooper a message to let us know you would be otherwise occupied?

Chris

It’s not always that simple with me.

Tegan

It’s not always that simple with me either, but you expect me to give you that courtesy.

Chris

Well, you’re the submissive in this relationship. It’s expected of you.

Tegan

I’m pretty positive that’s not at all how a dom/sub relationship works. That sounds a lot like master/slave and I’ve told you before that isn’t what I want.

Chris

And I’ve adapted my expectations for the most part. You’re the one not adjusting her expectations. You think we’re equal and we aren’t. I was trying to make sure you learned that with this last lesson.

Tegan

You realize that it’s impossible to learn a lesson when I’m getting the silent treatment, right?

I had no idea what you thought I did wrong until you actually said I shouldn’t have followed through with Cooper’s plan without you.

Then, you disappeared again to let me think about that, and I still had no idea why doing it was wrong in your eyes.

Chris

Well now you do. Shall I go silent again so you can learn now?

I feel a mix of anxiety and defeat squeeze in my chest. Cooper fought for me and it still doesn’t matter. I’m still somehow the one that fucked this up, no matter what I say. No matter the logic behind my every argument. Reading the conversation over again… and again…

There’s nothing for me to give him. He wants me to say I’m wrong, but even as shitty as I feel for failing at something so fucking simple as a goddamn digital relationship, I can’t.

I’m not wrong.

Chris

I knew when you started looking more confident in your photos you would start to get more bold with your attitude.

I just knew you would start to think you were more than a pet when I saw that spark in your eyes.

I don’t care if you start looking like Heidi fucking Klum.

You will still obey me the way I expect, or you will be punished.

That’s how this works, Kitten. Tell me you understand.

Tegan

…

My eyes burn with tears. I’ve been doing so well sticking to my meal plan. I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight. I’ve had to buy new clothes because I’ve dropped sizes and I have been feeling so much better about the pictures I take for him and Cooper.

My husband lavishes me with praise and compliments. He tells me all the time how he can tell how much work I’m putting in. He can tell how much better I physically feel. He even sat outside of the fitting room on that first shopping trip for new sizes.

All of that, I did it for myself.

I didn’t do it to impress Chris or to see if it would help with Cooper’s ability to act on his attraction to me.

I did it for me , because I hated the pictures of myself when I first started sending them to Chris.

Looking at those pictures made me not want to send them, and I decided to do better for myself.

He has no idea how long I’ve hated the way I look.

He doesn’t know how many times I’ve looked at the mirror and told myself so many hateful things about the girl in the reflection.

Things I would never say to another human being, I said them to myself.

He does know that I have a poor self image though, and now he’s going for the jugular there. He’s attacking the confidence I so precariously built for myself.

I refuse to let the blow land.

Chris

I’m waiting for an answer, Kitten. Tell me you understand.

Tegan

I don’t.

Chris

I thought you were smarter than this, Kitten. Do you need me to break it down even more for you?

Tegan

I won’t waste your time. I’m done with this, Chris.

Chris

You know Silvia won’t speak to you anymore. I won’t allow it. You don’t have many friends here, Kitten. They’ll not be allowed to speak to you, even outside of the server. They understand the rules and they’re faithful pets.

Tegan

Good for them.

Chris

I’ll take away your precious stories. What will you do with your sad life then?

All that boring, vanilla sex… will that satisfy you?

What will you do when Cooper is having one of his days when you feel so fucking lonely that all you want to do is escape?

I know you’ve been writing with that demon character.

Have you been fucking him on the side? Is that why you think you don’t need me now?

Tegan

The only person I’ve been fucking that you have to be jealous of is my husband, but whatever.

You can believe whatever you want to. You’re the one that drives writing to fucking smut every goddamn time.

Believe it or not, I can write a fucking story without it devolving into nothing but a fuck fest.

Chris

How dull… Are you done with this tantrum now? Is it out of your system? Or shall I start sending messages to the others?

Tegan

Send your messages and fuck right off.

Chris

Oh, you are adorable. I’ll make sure the demon knows who got him banned as well. *winks*

It’s barely a minute before I get the notification that I’ve been banned from the writing server. Every bit of work I put into their plot lines and overarching story, no longer accessible.

It all belongs to them now.

He can take anything I created there and turn it into something else. They might just delete it all and pretend I never existed, but I doubt it. It’s sad that I don’t even care.

I’ll just create something else eventually, but I had put months into creating an amazing character. A character I had continued to grow with Morgan.

“Fuck.”

Everything Morgan created there will be deleted too if he gets banned. Maybe Chris is all talk and just wanted to try and make me panic.

He could’ve just said it to have the last word.

Or… he could’ve banned Morgan and told him it was my fault, and I really will have to start over with finding a new escape.

“Fuck!” I bury my face in my hands to muffle the curse.

To anyone on the outside looking in, they wouldn’t understand the loss.

I can’t write on my own. I can create worlds, pantheons, characters, and so many other things, but I feed off the energy of another person.

They give me banter and curveballs. They present a random variable that I cannot predict, but have to answer to in a beautiful dance of improvisation that feeds my creative soul.

Those nights when I’m posting back and forth with someone else help to pull me away from reality.

In those worlds and moments I don’t have to be Tegan.

I don’t have to be strong for anyone. I don’t have to calm a meltdown, sing a song, panic over pouring a drink in the wrong colored cup, or worry about saying the wrong thing to set off one of my husband’s mental spirals.

Some people drink, paint, draw, workout, play music, or have some other hobby to free themselves from the stress of their everyday lives. This is my escape, and I had cultivated it for months after finally finding it again.

With one argument, one act of me standing up for myself, and I’ve lost that haven.

Chris made sure to even take the extra space I carved out for myself with Morgan by blaming me.

He’s not even online for me to try and explain why it’s happened.

I type out an explanation, hating that it will be the first thing he sees from me whenever he does check his messages.

Tegan

I’m sorry. I fucked up and called him on his bullshit.

I’m so fucking sorry. I know you had put so much into your character building and the storylines you had going.

I don’t know how to make it up to you. I know it sucks to have something like that taken away.

I get it. This is my place to run from reality.

I know that probably sounds moronic, but I’m so sorry, Morgan.

I wait for an hour before I finally give up and shut down my laptop for the night. It’s not one of his usual nights to be on, but I waited anyway to try and talk to him.

After I put my computer away, I brush my teeth, wash my face, and strip down to climb into bed beside Cooper. He’s fast asleep and I’m not waking him for this.

There’s nothing he can really do anyway.

He already did what he could, and I fucking love him all the more for it.

It’s no one else’s job to comfort me for something so trivial.

It’s a stupid hobby.

It’s also an abnormal hobby.

It’s not at all normal to form relationships with people online that you’ve never fucking met.

Get your shit together, Tegan.

Suck it up. Get some sleep. Do better tomorrow.

The mental pep talk doesn’t really do much to improve the guilt I feel for Morgan being caught in the crossfire; so I close my eyes to fall into a fitful sleep.