Page 91 of Hamartia

I barely hear a word that Seung or Lua say throughout the entire meeting. I’ll be sent an email afterwards with all the important details, so it is not critical to listen. We meet in person so we can discuss any issues with the scheduling, any concerns about individual aspects, anything we think might be a problem. It’s all very light-hearted and informal though that isn’t always the case. Some gifts are exchanged, presents for Lua’s children and Seungmin’s wife. Then we are talking about the break period and what we are all doing. Who we are spending it with. How much we are looking forward to seeing our friends and families.

“Jaehyun, you are going to Tokyo, right?” Lua asks and it suddenly feels like there is a spotlight on me, a microphone shoved under my mouth, and everyone is staring.

“On the 30th, yes.” I nod. “I’ll be back in Seoul on the 2nd.”

She nods, smiling with genuine warmth. “With Shi-Eun?”

I swallow.

For some reason, I glance at Kai who’s been only half involved in this entire meeting, typing on his phone, looking stressed. There’s a line between his eyebrows that hasn’t shifted since he walked in and he looks very tired.

I’m being a coward, I know this. Why am I so afraid? These people are my friends, my brothers, they care about me, they’ve always supported me—why would this be any different? I am overthinking it, as always.

I clear my throat and then my mouth is moving and it’s too late to second, third, or fourth guess it anymore. I’m not entirely sure what order the words leave my mouth, but they do.

Xan sits up in his chair, Ji-u too, and Kai stops scrolling his phone—the line that had been etched between his eyebrows gone now. I zone in around the end of my little announcement and my voice sounds strange and formal, like I am reading the news. I still haven’t mentioned Raphael by name and I’m not sure why. That feels like an additional revelation all on its own.

“…so he will be arriving on 23rd and staying with me at my apartment and then we will go to Tokyo, together. Seungmin-ssi, I will pass the details to you if you can arrange a car from Incheon for his arrival.”

There are a few beats of silence in which Seungmin glances towards Kai, before looking back at me. It makes me think that despite what he promised me, he did tell Seungmin about Raphael. But then Boohyin and Ji-u also glance at Kai and I think perhaps that’s not it at all.

“This is a relationship that you are serious about pursuing?” asks Seungmin finally.

“I would not be putting myself through this…” I indicate the room “…if it was not.”

The air in the room has changed, and me with it. I feel exposed and peeled raw and for a small fleeting moment, I resent Raphael for it. I think about how foolish I am going to look if this should all fall apart or if he wakes up after a few days with me to realize that he is in fact straight after all.

Seungmin nods.

“There is something else,” I say. “Something which makes this more complicated, I suppose.”

I glance round the table at everyone and then immediately look down at the grain because everyone staring at me while I talk about Raphael is far too intense. I smooth my finger over the polished wood as I tell them the rest.

“He is…in a group, an American rock group. And well, his sexuality is not announced. Not known. He has only discovered it himself and so—.”

“Who is it?” Xan cuts in. His eyes are dark and almost accusatory.

As I try to understand why he’s looking at me like that, Kai speaks.

“Raphael Scott,” he says.

The room is silent for a beat before it turns very loud.

“You knew about this?”

“You are dating Raphael Scott?”

“Isn’t he married?”

“Engaged.”

“He’s straight?”

“Clearly not.”

“This started in New York?”

“This is a disaster.”