Page 131 of Hamartia

“And when you knew, was the day you told me it was over?”

I shake my head. “I knew before…but I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”

She makes a small soft sound and reaches across to take my hand, curling her fingers around mine tight. “You are not your father, Raphael.”

My head lifts at that as I frown at her detour. “What?”

“It is why you are here, no? Because you are so afraid of being him? You are willing to risk your own happiness to show that you are nothing like him. Rushing to my side has left him alone to deal with this. Of course, you did not know it would happen, but you came here to be with me now because you wanted to prove that you are not like Finn.”

It feels like another slap in the face. A truth as loud and obvious as any I’ve ever heard. I try shaking my head to disagree but of course I can’t.

“I thought about it a lot on the plane,” she goes on, pulls one leg up under the other to get comfortable. “I thought about a lot of things—it is amazing how much thinking a jet engine will force you to do.”

My phone rings then and I jump towards it, desperate to see Jae’s name on there. But it’s Crawford’s. I let it ring off and sit back, focusing on Camille again.

“I know that when I have this baby you will be there for our child in all the ways he was not.”

I hate talking about him. I won’t talk about him. Instead, I say, “You’re keeping the baby?”

She nods. “Yes. I am going to have this child. But, that is not to say you have to be any sort of father, Raphael.”

I frown at that. “You’re saying how I’m not him, but then you’re sayingthat?”

Cam smiles at me. “I wasn’t finished. What I was saying…was that you do nothaveto be any sort of father, but I know that you will be an incredible one. Our child will not be short of love, will not have to wonder if their father loves them. Because I know you will be there to tell them. But I do want you to not feel constrained by this—it is my choice and I do not want you to think for a moment that it means you are tied to me forever. I understand that what we had before is over, Rapha. I know that you are in love with someone else—the whole world knows that, in fact. But I will also say this now; if you choose to be in our child’s life then it is permanent. You do not get to pick them up and place them down when it is convenient. So you must think about it, carefully.”

“I don’t have to think about it, Camille.”

“Non, I did not think you would. Then we are going to be parents together, are you afraid?” She pats my knee, beaming at me. It all feels fucking surreal honestly. How is she this cool about all of this?

“Yes. I’m terrified, actually. Can you seriously imagine me as a dad?”

She studies me carefully, and then, a little giddy, she says: “Yes, I can—you will be great. And me? I will make a good maman, no?”

“The best. But seriously, what the fuck happened, yousounded terrified on the phone?”

She waves that off. “I told you, the jet engine made me think. On the phone, I was tired and emotional and in my parents’ house. I always feel worse when I am there, you know. Also, now I know that you did not leave me for another woman.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Of course, always. And you, you will tell me what happened with you and Jaehyun, yes? I deserve to know that, at least.”

An ache burns its way across my chest, so bright and painful that I have to rub at it to soothe it. Will it ever stop aching? I want to watch the video again.

“Yeah, you do. But I just…” I don’t want to talk about it right now because it hurts too fucking much. “It’s over, I think. I mean, he never wanted any of this.” I wave in the direction of my cell phone. “And I don’t know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling. Fuck, he must be so scared. He must hate me right now.”

I honestly can’t stand thinking about him over there alone, without any support. With the glaring disapproving eyes of Kai and Xan and his company. Kai cares about him. That much was evident in his warning to me, so surely he’ll have his back now? Surely he’s not gonna hang Jaehyun out to dry with this?

I reach out for my phone again, just as it starts ringing. It’s Cleo now and so I reject the call and pull up his number instead, trying it again. It’s still switched off.

Desperate, I pull up Jae’s account on Instagram and navigate until I find Kai’s tag in one of his photos then I click to send a message. I debate no more than a few seconds on the words:

Please ask him to call me. I need to know he’s ok.

I close it without even glancing at the notifications and thousands of DMs I can see are sitting there. My stomach sinks at what might be in there. I see my follower count is up but I don’t really register what that means. Ghouls probably. Fuck them. All of them.

Camille is watching me quietly, stare heavy. When I look round at her she gives me a small smile.

“He will not hate you.” She reaches out to brush my hair back, whisper soft. “You are a very hard man to hate, Raphael. And a very easy one to love.” She stands. “I am going to shower and nap. I will see you in a few hours.”