Page 32 of Hamartia

“Yeah, I guess I am. Should I apologize for that?”

“I will hang up if you say sorry one more time.”

I laugh softly. “Please don’t hang up on me.”

On the other end of the phone, I hear him shifting, like he’s getting comfortable. I take a seat at Crawford’s old rusting patio table and fold my legs into the most comfortable position I can, given how fucking uncomfortable it is. With a glance over my shoulder, I see Crawf peppering and tabasco-ing the pepperoni pizza on the counter. He looks up and I give him a wave to tell him to start without me.

“You are confusing,” Jaehyun informs me.

“I am?”

“Yes. You look at me in a way that makes me confused.”

I go to say it but he’s expecting it and cuts me off again.

“Do notsay it.”

A smile pulls at both sides of my mouth. “Well, I find you confusing too.”

He makes a noise of disagreement. “Well, I have done nothing to encourage any of this. All of it has been you.”

“That’s definitely true. Does that mean you’re not interested?”

“Do not put words in my mouth, Raphael.”

It’s out before I can even think. “Would you prefer I put something else in your mouth, Jaehyun?”

I hear him take a small, surprised breath. “We are really going to dothis?”

“At this point, I honestly fear for my sanity if we don’tdo this.”

I’m not expecting the whiplash that comes from his next words.

“And what about your girlfriend?”

I think about lying but I don’t have it in me. The less I have to lie about any of this, the less I have to apologize for it feels like.

“Thishonestly…has nothing to do with her.”

Maybe it makes me a piece of shit to say it, maybe all of this makes me a piece of shit. But this, here? It feels so far from Camille that it almost wipes out the guilt swirling in my gut. Almost.

He’s silent for a long moment. “I see.”

“Does it bother you?”

He thinks about this, then says, “You wantmeto be the one to feel guilty about it? Though I am not the one who has made promises to her.”

His words are like a slap across the face. Again. The lack of any subtlety in how he expresses things is refreshing, but like diving into an ice-cold river refreshing.

“Whatever is between you and her is your business. But I do wish to know one thing, again so there are no misunderstandings.”

“Yeah?”

“You do not come to New York, to my bed,unattached.Correct? You are with her, still.”

The words are hard to push out for some reason. “Yes. We’re still together. Technically.”

“Technically.” He repeats.