Page 61 of Hamartia
The vibration of my cell phone ringing again disturbs the heavy moment. My eyes flash open and she’s peering up at me. When I reach into my pocket and see his name on the screen my chest feels tight again. When I glance at Cam the soft understanding look on her face from a second ago starts to bleed into suspicion.
How long will he wait for me? What the fuck is he going to think when I don’t answer and when I don’t appear back at the car like I promised I would? My heart feels like it’s being ripped in two.
But then all at once, I see everything really clearly. I see what I want and what I need and my body and mind move toward those goals without thought.
“Sorry, I need to take this,” I tell her as I move toward the balcony. Outside, I close the door behind me and answer the call.
“If you make me late for my shopping appointment I will not do as I planned to do later. Which is too rude to say in front of others.” He purrs this last part down the phone.
I swallow to clear my throat. “Jae, um, I got here and…well, Camille’s here. I didn’t know. I mean she was in Australia, and I never expected—.”
“So, you are not coming?”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to talk to her. Explain…”
“Very well,” he says bluntly. “Good luck with your talk.”
And then the line goes dead. I hold the phone to my ear for a good thirty seconds after he hangs up, wondering how on earth it can feel like I have everything and nothing at the same time.
When I turn, I see Camille sitting on the bed inside, watching me cautiously. I let out a breath and turn my back to her to look out over Central Park.
If I give up on this thing with Jae, whatever it is, whatever it might come to be, I know I’m going to spend my life wondering about it. Wondering who I could have been. Is this really where it has all been heading? Towards him? Am I a guy who is sexually, artistically, and emotionally open to whatever comes his way, or am I a guy who keeps promises and doesn’t hurt people? Am I a guy who takes after his father? Is this the great awakening I’d always assumed would hit me at some point? I’d always thought it would be about Finn. That I would finally believe that I was absolutely the best version of myself without him. I thought too that it would be some kind of creative awakening, something spiritual in some way. Not this kind of…awakening. Except, being with Jaehyun does feel spiritual on some level, holy and right; like enlightenment.
What sort of person would Jaehyun make me? What sort of person would Camille make me? Because we take on parts of those people we love and are loved by, bad and good, and though I’m not sure I can use the word love when it comes to Jae, not yet. I know I’ve never felt this kind of all-consuming passion for someone before. For music, yeah, but never for another person.
That alone should be all the encouragement I need. To turn around right this second and tell Camille it’s over. To go for this. To see where it takes me.
Except, going for it, for him, is about a lot more than amazing sex in New York apartments where no one could see us. It’s hurting people I care about and having the way people see me change forever. The latter doesn’t bother me, not really. Sure, I don’t want my mom or my friends to see me any differently, but I could give two shits about how the world at large sees me. I think about the band: Cleo and Zeke would be fine with me being with a guy. Mason and Crawf less so. While where I stuck my cock had never been an issue for them before, I’m not so sure they’d be quite as understanding about its new direction.
And this is before I consider what Jae wants. He’d spoken about the fact that he keeps his private life private. About the issues with his parents. For all I know, a proper relationship with him is out of the question. Because being with me means that it’s gonna be loud and public. The paparazzi will have a field day with this.
I’ve almost forgotten about Camille and what I owe her, when the sound of the glass door sliding open tugs me from my thoughts. Soft footsteps of her walking across it. She leans on the balcony next to me, mirroring my view out onto the park. I’m not sure how long it is before she speaks, her voice stronger than it had been since she’d arrived.
“This is about more than the wedding, isn’t it?” she says.
When I look at her, she’s looking up at me, searching my face for clues about what itisabout. I nod and she lets out a deep breath, nodding too as she straightens her spine.
“Is there someone else?”
It’s a slightly different question to the one she asked earlier. The one that allowed me to use a contortionist’s trick to get around.
“Yeah,” I admit and my voice is so fucking small. “I’m so sorry, Cam, I don’t know how it happened. I really don’t. It was nothing, and then it was…”everything. “But it happened and I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I never wanted to hurt you. It wasn’t like that. It’s never been like that with us…I’ve always been…it’s always been you.”
Maybe it’s how small and weak and pathetic I sound, but she doesn’t look pissed at me. She looks like she feels sorry for me.
“Not always,” she says. “Not now.”
I bite and chew at my mouth. “I just need some time, okay? Can you give me that? Until after Thanksgiving? I need to figure some shit out. Talk to my mom. A priest. A Rabbi. There’s a famous goat outside our town that can see the future. I’ll talk to that too.”
She gives me a small smile I don’t deserve. “Will you also ask it if I will win an Oscar this year?”
I laugh miserably and she smiles a little wider, some life flooding back into her eyes again.
“I do love you, you know,” I tell her.
“I love you too.”
She drops her head onto my shoulder, and I rest mine against hers. I want to keep her in my life. In whatever form that is. I hate losing things and I’m not ready to lose her, which is what I’m sure will happen as soon as I say this out loud. A deep breath in and her hair smells of summer and flowers. Light and familiar. While my heart feels almost like a stranger.