Page 133 of Hamartia

I don’t want to talk about this. I want to kiss him. “I’m not cold, baby. It’s LA.”

“Baby…” He smiles, blinking up at me slowly. “I did not think I would hear you call me that again.”

Clearly I’m feeling better because I make a joke. “I’ll call you whenever and whatever you want.”

He smiles and I’m glad I risked it. Then he’s serious again. “The world knows about us.”

“I know.”

He’s searching my face for something. “Your girlfriend knows?” he asks.

When I nod he appears to wince.

“And your band?”

“Yeah, they know.”

He nods, worrying his top teeth over his plump bottom lip.

“What about you? Everyone in Korea must know by now. Well, South Korea at least. The north have a lot of other shit going on, I guess…” It’s another attempt at a joke, except this one falls flat.

“A lot of people in Korea know,” he confirms, eyes on his feet.

I look down to see my boots are unlaced and I’ve no socks on through the openings.

“The company. The members. A lot of the fans do not believe it but a lot do and yes…they know.”

The urge to touch him is fucking overwhelming. So I give into it. Reaching out to skim his chin with my finger, raising it gently to his cheek. It’s so warm and soft.

“What do you want to do? I’ll say whatever you want. Deny everything if you want. Tell me and I’ll do it. I just want…”

I just want you to be warm and happy again.

He doesn’t like this. His eyes round with hurt that god forgive me, makes hope swell in my chest.

“Is that what you want? To deny everything? To go back?” His voice is so small, so soft.

“You know what I want, Jaehyun. I told you in Seoul. Nothing’s changed for me. I never cared about any of this. People can say whatever the fuck they want. They already do. They always have.” I hold the back of his head. “I want to be with you. I wantthis,with you.”

His eyes begin to shimmer. “But what about your baby, about your girlfriend?”

“Camille stopped being my girlfriend when I fell in love with you,” I tell him. “Camille and I are good. We talked, and we’re gonna be parents—I’m going to be a dad—but that doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you. I told you, Jae, I’ll give you anything you want. I’ll take anything you want to give me. I just want to be with you.”

I’m pretty sure it’s clear, but for some reason he looks confused.

“How can that be wheneverythinghas changed?” He shakes his head. “I do not know how to do this. Be with someone like this. I have never been with anyone, not like this, I…”

He stops, takes a breath and tries to find his words again. “I used to think that the world finding out who I was would be the worst thing that ever happened to me. That it would be the end of everything I had worked for, that it would mean that I could not do what I loved anymore, and that I would never be happy again. But then you left me in Seoul and it hurt so much. It felt likethatwas the worst thing that could ever happen to me.”

He brings a small pale hand up to wipe at his wet cheek. I want to pull him into me, kiss his hair, hold him tight. But I also want to hear him speak.

“So when Kai showed me that video, when he told me that everyone knew about us, aboutme,I did not care. I was…relieved.” He whispers the word like he’s afraid of it. “It did not hurt a fraction as much as you leaving had hurt.”

He turns fully to me, eyes pleading with me to understand. “When I let you leave, I thought I was doing what was best for you; for both of us. I thought that if I let you go, you would see in the end that it was the right thing to do and that you would thank me for it. But I did not want to let you go, Raphael. I do not want to be without you. I want…”

He takes hold of my hands and squeezes them tight in his smaller ones. “I want to be with you. I love you and I want to be with you and I am not afraid anymore of what the world thinks of it. I want to love who I want to love and do what I love to do. I want it all even if it makes me selfish. If you give me another chance I promise I will give you everything I could not before. I promise not to be scared, I promise to try to be everything you want me to be…I promise I will love you loudly and not in the shadows, I promise…”

I kiss the next words out of his mouth, swallowing his small, delicious gasp of surprise. We kiss like that for what feels like a long time, my hand in his hair—his beanie clutched tight in my free one—his hands in the back pockets of my jeans, our breaths hot against each other’s lips.