Page 23 of Hamartia

“I’d say I have a house in Malibu that I still have to style if you want a job?”

She smiles at that and I find myself smiling too. Despite the wild noise rushing through the space between my ears I feel something like…excitement? Not terror that this thing I’d managed to keep locked inside myself was in real danger of spilling out.

She seems to be waiting for me to go on, but I’ve no intention of saying another word. Let her say it.

“I noticed a while back that you’d liked a few of his Insta posts—which I thought was completely random—Raphael Scott following Lee Jaehyun of K:OS on Instagram.”

I hear Jae’s words then.People notice these things. And it can cause problems.I must have a look on my face as I’m thinking about how the fuck she would notice all of this, because she throws her hands up.

“I’m an Instagram freak, okay, and all-round Lee Jaehyun fangirl. Plus, I follow you both.”

“Haven.” I laugh, nervously. “I don’t know what any of that means.”

“Nothing, probably nothing.”

“Right,” I say.

“Right,” she repeats and then she’s stepping in a little closer. Like we’re sharing a secret. “But you should probably tell your face that because when you were telling that little story earlier about when he almost broke your nose… and the way you were looking at each other. Sort of made me feel some kinda way.”

“What?” I manage. “That wasn’t…I don’t…”

I have nothing. The terror that was absent before, the terror at the idea of someone finding out about this, comes rushing in. Did everyone else notice too…did he?

Haven reaches out and puts a hand on my arm. “Hey, listen, I don’t think anyone else noticed. I mean, I know they didn’t and I’m probably way off. I never know when to shut up, honestly. Ignore me. Forget I said anything. Let’s get a drink…”

She pulls me gently towards the stairs. But then, it hits me. Smacks me right in the face.

“Wait. You said each other.” I turn to her. “You said,the way you were looking at each other.”

She opens her mouth, then closes it, making a show of pressing her lips together.

“Are you saying we looked at each other the same way?”

I was looking at him the whole time though and I didn’t see him look at me anyway but friendly. Right? She’s wrong. She must be. Except…she’s bang on the money where I’m concerned which makes it seem plausible that she might be right about him too.

“Yeah, yeah you did actually,” she says after a minute. There’s this look on her face. Almost sly but not malicious.

“Is that why you invited me here?”

She smiles. “Look, I just threw an invite out there to you both and here we are. Here you both are. You’ve spent the night waiting for him to arrive. And now you’re up here looking for him, so why don’t you wait here and I’ll get him up here and you guys can…talk about whatever this thing is and see where it leaves you.”

Something screeches to a halt.Talk.Talk about this thing? I can’t do that. No. I’m shaking my head.

With a shrug, Haven says: “Well, then, I guess you’ll just have to get over it.”

“I’m engaged.”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m not suggesting you fuck him in my bedroom, Raphael. I’m saying talk to him. If it’s nothing, if I’ve gotten this completely wrong, then at least you know. No harm done, not really. What you do and don’t decide to discuss with your fiancé is up to you.” She’s waiting.

For some stupid as fuck reason, I say. “I don’t think…I mean, I’m not gay.”

She smiles at this. “And maybe neither is Jaehyun…maybe this is all just a weird heteronormative case of a guy having a crush on another guy. Happens all the time.”

My eyes widen, hopefully, but she’s giving me this wry, smile.

“Look, I really have to get back to my party, but I don’t imagine he’ll hang around very long. Not unless he has a reason to. But I suspect he’s only here for one of two reasons.”

When she doesn’t elaborate, I give her a look.