Page 43 of Hamartia
“I don’t feel weird about it.”
It comes out sounding defensive, but it’s the truth, I don’t. I come around the counter towards him and stand beside him, reaching out. I think about touching his cheek but I end up running my hand through his hair past his ear to the back of his neck.
“I promise, I don’t. Last night was incredible.”
I smile, and then I’m pulling him into a kiss. He tastes of toothpaste and coffee as he lets out a soft little moan against my lips. We kiss soft and sweet for a minute before some strangled noise bubbles up from between us. Then he’s pulling back to look up at me, eyes all big and round and filled with sunlight. He looks horrified.
“Was that…your stomach?” I look down at it, like it might have grown its own mouth.
He covers it, curling into himself as he groans in mortification.
“Yes! I’m hungry, okay.” When I burst out laughing, he swipes a hand out to hit me, pouting like a child. It’s cute as fuck. “I’m always so hungry the morning after a show. Because I cannot eat during the day; the nerves, and adrenaline…I do not eat properly.”
And Kai knew that. He turned up here at breakfast with a bag of Jae’s favorite food because he knew he’d be starving. Another knot of jealousy flares up in my gut. I move away from him back towards the food and slide it towards him.
“So, eat,” I say as I go to find forks.
When I come back, he’s already shoveling cold black noodles into his mouth with those single-use chopsticks, biting into the large sushi roll he’s holding in the other hand. I hide the other fork under the paper bag and watch him eat for a minute. And boy, is he eating. Huge mouthfuls of food that make his cheeks round like a squirrel as he chews, utterly lost in the taste of it. Umm-ing and ahhhing at each bite. He seems to remember I’m there after a few minutes and gives me a grin around his food, then pushes one of the containers towards me that has another of the long sushi rolls in it.
“Kimbap,” he tells me around a mouthful as I stare at it.
He demonstrates just biting the thing he’s holding. So, I do that. It’s delicious. It tastes a little like sushi, only better. When I look up a moment later, he’s holding out his chopsticks towards me, laden with black noodles.
“Open,” he says.
I do and then he’s feeding me, a big, adorable smile on his pretty face. It makes my stomach do a weird flipping thing.
I’m so fucking fucked.
When we’re done eating, I gather the containers and toss them in the trash while Jae wanders through to the living room. When I get there, he’s lying spread out on the large sectional, legs wide, one arm thrown over his head and the other rubbing small circles over his flat stomach. I sort of stand there feeling awkward for a minute, thinking I should probably split, but then he turns his head and looks at me, this little easy smile on his face, and splitting is the last thing on my mind. But I’ve been here twelve hours now and neither do I want to overstay my welcome.
“I should probably get going,” I say, scrubbing a hand through my hair.
I need a shower. Some fresh air. A long talk with myself.
He stares at me a long minute before he moves to sit up. The neck of his T-shirt has slipped so low it gives me a view of a perfect collarbone and the very top of a dusky pink nipple. My bodywants.
He blinks super fucking slow a few times before giving me a nod. “Okay,” he says.
I nod. “I’ll go…dress.”
Jae nods once more and then I’m wandering around trying to find my jacket and boots. He’d placed my boots neatly by the door next to his own, and hung my jacket on the hook above. When I get back, dressed, he’s staring hard at the TV but looks miles away. Something grabs his attention though and then he’s standing, coming towards me.
“I will walk you out.”
He walks past me, not looking at me, and so I trail after him, my eyes fixed on the back of his pale neck. He has another freckle there, just below his hairline, and it hypnotizes me as we walk to the front door. At the door he turns, peering up at me with those big soft eyes and I can’t help but compare it with the Jae who rode me as he fucked his hand to orgasm. The confident, glittering post-show Jaehyun who was high on adoration and exhaustion. He still looks exhausted, but he also looks smaller, more delicate, more vulnerable. They’re almost polar opposites, but I want both versions of him equally and in entirely different ways.
A thousand and one things run through my head that I want to say, things I don’t want to say, things I should and shouldn’t say. All of them fighting with each other so it’s just useless chaos and noise inside my head.
“Good luck tonight,” is what comes out. “You’ll kill it, I’ve no doubt about it.” I want to kiss him. Should I? Everything feels different now, he seems different now, but insideIfeel exactly the fucking same. I still want him. Not less. Not at all. More; the want is bigger now, altered irrevocably.
“Thank you,” he says softly, turning to open the door.
My hand shoots out completely independent of my brain and I’m covering his, holding the door closed. Jae looks up at me.
“Jae, I…” Okay, I need to say something, clear and concise just like he likes it. “Look, I don’t want last night to beit.”
“You don’t want it to be it?” He looks lost.