Page 42 of Hamartia

This makes Jae roll his eyes as he comes toward me. His eyes dip appreciatively over my body and then he’s nudging me gently out of the way to get to the coffee. He doesn’t pour it into a cup though, he gets a glass, fills it halfway with ice, and then tops that up with the black coffee.

Kai’s face has taken on a sort of sneer now. He has mean eyes, I decide. Cold and sharp with a thin mouth. Still objectively good looking, but in an anime villain kind of way.

Jae rattles the ice around his glass to cool the coffee and asks Kai what sounds like a question. Kai snaps his answer back in a low growl, making Jae let out a sigh. Jae’s next words in Korean make Kai glare at me fully.

“Dangsin-eun?” he says.

It sounds like an insult so I glare back, lowering my cup to lift my head up.

“Ji-hoon Hyung, this is Raphael,” Jae says, tiredly. “Raphael, Ji-hoon is our band leader.” He points at the guy just in case I’m not sure who he means. “He says he’s really happy to meet you.”

Kai snorts. “I suppose I will leave this, then. You both must be hungry.” He dumps the food bag down on the counter and looks at Jae. “I’ll be back in one hour.”

It sounds almost like a threat. Then he’s leaving. Striding toward the door and out of the apartment. The door banging shut behind him.

Beside me Jae lets out a soft breath. When I turn to look at him, he lifts his head, eyes a little uncertain as he takes a large gulp of his iced coffee. He’s wearing loose grey pajama bottoms and a striped long-sleeved t-shirt with a wide neck. He looks soft. Sleepy. Young.

“He just came in,” I say. “He has a key?”

Jae shrugs and moves to slide up onto one of the barstools, dragging a hand through his sleep-ruffled hair. I’m not sure what the shrug means, and I don’t feel like it’s my place to press him on who does or doesn’t have a key to his apartment. I hate the way my gut clenches at the thought of it though. That they’re this close, that Kai walks in here first thing in the morning, that he’s angry about other men staying the night.

I stay where I am, watching him as I drink my hot coffee.

“You have another show tonight, right?” I ask when the silence gets a bit too much for me.

He nods, not looking at me. He has his phone in his hand now and is typing away furiously. I wonder if it’s Kai. I push up off the counter and go toward the bag his band leader ceremoniously dumped there. It’s Korean food. My stomach rumbles.

“You hungry?” I ask, as I start pulling out the still warm containers from the paper bag. There’s soup, noodles, rice, and some long-rolled things that look like uncut sushi. When I look up at him, he’s not typing anymore, he’s just looking at me.

“What are you doing?” he asks, frowning a little.

“You’re not hungry?”

“No, Raphael. I mean what are you doing? Here.”

When I can only blink in confusion—where the fuck has this come from?—he sighs again. “I mean what were you doing last night? With me. What is this?”

I place the container on the counter and swallow. Then lick my lips, which feel dry suddenly. Run a hand over the top of my head.

“Is that what he was asking?” I gesture my head in the direction Ji-hoon stormed off in.

“No. But he worries about me. He was surprised, that’s all.”

“I think if there had been a knife nearby, he’d have cut my balls off and had them for breakfast. That would have been a surprise.”

Jae smiles a little but doesn’t deny it. He gives me another look. Expectant.

What am I doing here? I decide to be as honest as possible.

“I told you last night,” I say. “I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

Jae looks sad about this. “And now? Even now you still don’t know?”

“Was it supposed to be clearer this morning?”

I mean, some things are, I guess. Other things aren’t.

“I had hoped it would be, yes.” He fixes me with a look that’s both thoughtful and soft, then decides on something. “Men experiment all the time. You do not have to feel weird about this…it’s normal, you know.”