Page 48 of Hamartia

Jae looks like he’s in a trance as he stares, wordless, then he blinks and comes into the room toward the couch.

“I did not know if you would be here.”

I can’t tell if he’s annoyed that I am, but he certainly doesn’t look happy. He sits down next to me with a sigh and looks straight ahead, reaching up to pull the hood of his hoodie down.

“Do you…want a drink?” I ask, tense.

He lets out a soft laugh and turns to me. “Did you just offer me a drink, in my own house?” He’s smiling now, full pink lips quirked up.

I smile back. “I did. Was that a yes?”

He looks at my glass. “What is that?”

“Rye,” I say and move to stand.

“I will have that too, then.”

I can feel him watching me as I pour, but he doesn’t speak. I’ve come to realize this about Jae, that he’s perfectly comfortable with silences, even when they’re slightly uncomfortable. He just owns them. Lingers in them. Happy in the quiet.

When I’m moving back towards him, he stands and unbuttons his coat, shrugging it off and dumping it beside him on the sofa. He takes the drink from me and sits back down, knee pulled up and his body turned slightly so that he’s facing me when I sit down. I take a deep sip of my drink, watching his mouth as he does the same.

Fucking hell, he’s so beautiful. I wonder if I’ll stop being stunned by it.

I think about how hard he worked tonight, how he moved and how his voice sounded in that huge stadium, and I get it. I get why he’s adored the way he is, almost fervently so by his fans. It’s a turn on.

I mean, it shouldn’t impress me as much as it does since I do a similar thing, but seeing it from this perspective hits different. I still haven’t decided whether I’ll tell him that I came along tonight or not. I’m not sure how he’d feel, if he’d see it as weird or something. I decide to play it by ear.

“How was it? It went good?” I ask, keeping my expression neutral.

He nods. “I think so. I always feel like I could have done better. Could have given more. Kai says it is a sickness I have. That I strive for perfection in an unhealthy way, and that since I do not recognize any level of perfection in myself, I will never find it.”

He shrugs, nonchalant despite the depth of the words. I don’t know if this is his usual comedown after a particularly grueling show—mine is the opposite in that I feel high as the clouds invincible, but he looks almost morose and I don’t know if he’d rather be alone or not. A greater kind of man would probably offer to leave, but clearly I’m a lesser kind of man.

He’s picking a fleck of lint from his dark sweatpants and avoiding my eyes.

“Did something happen?” I ask, inching a little closer. He lifts his head. “You seem…down.”

“You think you know me so well already?” His eyes turn a little hard.

“No. I just…” Okay, maybe I should be a greater kind of man. “Look, do you want me to go? If you’ve had a shitty night and you want to be alone, I get it, man. It’s cool.”

“I do not want you to go, Raphael.”

“Okay, good, good.” I nod. “What do you want then?”

He catches his bottom lip between his teeth as he stares at me. “I want you to fuck me.”

Some loud bang goes off in my head, my breath whipping out of my chest.

“Do you think you can do that?”

With a confidence I’m not sure I feel, I nod once. “Yeah, I can definitely do that.”

“Okay, then I am going to take a quick shower.” Jae says, standing. “If you want to wait in the bedroom.”

It sounds somewhere between a suggestion and a request.

“Um, sure,” I mutter, dumbly.