Page 128 of Hamartia
He is next to me a moment later, strong and warm, as he wraps me in his arms. My body sags into him, clutching at his strength, at the solid reliable weight he has always been for me.
“It is going to be okay,” he says against my hair. “I promise you it is going to be okay. You will see.”
He thinks I mean this; the group, the company.
But I don’t.
The members are all looking at me how Ji-hoon did. Sad and filled with pity. Even Xan. Xan who has always seemed to see my faults and weaknesses more clearly than the others; almost as clearly as I see them myself. He has always called me selfish and careless and he was right. With Raphael, I was careless and selfish and this is what has happened. I expect Xan to say it now, but he doesn’t. He looks concerned and sad and there’s a grim kind of determination on his face that I don’t quite understand. I don’t have enough energy within me to figure it out either.
Ironic since inthismoment, now, I want to be selfish. I want only one thing. And I’m shocked to find that it is not K:OS.
“I will go on hiatus,” I say and as the words leave my mouth I realize how much I want it. What it might mean. That perhaps I could have Raphael for a while longer.
If he still wants you.
“If you wish me to return after a period of time, then I will. If not, then I understand this too. The last thing I want is to cause any shame. It has never been what I wanted. Maybe I can bring forward my enlistment?” I look at Lua in question. “Then it will be only Ji-u left to complete his.”
This is my back-up, my last resort. If Raphael doesn’t want me.
This is apparently the most controversial thing I could have said because the entire room erupts. There are incredulous shouts and angry refusals and hearty disagreements. After a few heated minutes of raised voices, Seungmin manages to calm the noise. And then he’s looking at me and asking a question I hadn’t heard the first time he said it.
“What do you want, Jaehyun?” he says again.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what doyouwant? Do you wish to go on a break? Do you need some time by yourself to come to terms with this? The schedule in January is quiet. We can put out any statement you want.” He glances down at the tablet in front of him, scanning it. “It will not be hard to remove you from things for some time. If that is what you want.”
It is three times now he has asked the question.What do I want.What I want has never felt possible so it has never been something I’ve thought much about. It was why I found it so hard to answer Raphael when he asked.
Seungmin shifts in his chair, fixing me with his most sincere look. “What is it that you want the company to say about this? Before Christmas you told us this was a relationship you were serious about pursuing. Is this still the case?”
“You speak like I have that option now, as though I have evertrulyhad that option. What are you proposing, Seungmin-ssi? That you put out a statement declaring that Raphael and I are in love? That we are together and that the company gives our relationship its full support?”
My voice is pitched high and hysterical but the room is silent and very serious.
“Why not? It would be the truth.” It is Ji-hoon who speaks.
I turn to him, tears threatening at the corners of my eyes.
“You are in love with him.”
I swallow around the lump in my throat, very aware of the ten pairs of eyes on me. I could not say it to Raphael in those moments before he left. Not because I did not want to, but because I did not want it to be the reason he stayed.
“Yes.” In the end they are simple and easy enough to say. “But it does not matter.” I lift a shoulder. “We cannot be together. I cannot be in a public relationship with a man.”
As I glance around the room, at Ji-u and Taejin, at Xan and Lua—Boohyin is in Jeju with his family—I don’t see the same looks of pity they had in their eyes when I arrived. Taejin is smiling at me, a small strange smile filled with mischief. Jonghyun looks fragile, like he might cry at any moment. Xan is studying me very carefully.
“It is true it has never been done in our industry,” Lua says finally. “There is no precedent for an out, gay idol. But we would not be who we are if we did not push those precedents forward—if you all did not redefine what it means to be idols. That is why you are so successful. Why you have the reach that you do.” She looks straight at me, sitting up straighter in her chair. “If this is what you want, Jaehyun-ah, then we will support it. Song Nim will too.”
“Support it?” I ask, unable to believe my ears.
I must have misunderstood something. I frown and look to Ji-hoon for clarification, as I always do when I’m told something or asked something I don’t understand. His smile is small and close-lipped. It says something likeI promised you it would be okay.
“I don’t understand. I thought this would be…that I would have to…”
I cannot breathe. Cannot think around the words I’m trying to say. I did not think I would be able to have it all.
My body collapses under the weight of relief, and I’m crying again. Pushing the chair back from the table and turning to fold my body onto my knees. I don’t hear Seungmin’s gentle suggestion that the others leave the room, I don’t hear Ji-hoon say he will stay behind, but then he’s in front of me, crouched low and rubbing soft circles into my back.