Page 78 of Hamartia

“It’s like…” I start, turning to face her a little. “I’ve never looked at another guy before him, mom, not one. It’s never even crossed my mind. But the second I saw him, I felt it. Something big had happened. I didn’t know it at the time, or I was in denial about it—but I know it now.” I shake my head. “I guess what I’m saying is, that’s what he is for me. This life-changing, soul-shifting event. But for him I’m just another guy, right? Like he’s done this before. Before me. Plenty of times before me.”

She says nothing right away, staring at me in what looks like…awe? Wonderment?

“But he hasn’t done this withyou, baby?” She sees a look on my face and her eyes go wide. “What? Already?Okay, no, that’s not what I meant. That is not my business. But you are pretty special, sweetheart, and I’m gonna assume he’s not blind or stupid. You’re beautiful, and kind, and smart—does he know about the math thing?”

I laugh and shake my head.

When she reaches across and takes my hand, her eyes go serious again. “You are something very very special Raphael Alwyn Scott, and he’s gonna see that.”

“There’s only one problem with that, mom, and it’s that you’re exceptionally biased where I’m concerned.”

She makes a show of thinking about it, then holds up her thumb and pointer finger an inch or so apart. “But I’m also always right.”

When I nod at this, she grins.

“So, tell me about him. Where’d you meet this life-changing, soul-shifting event?”

I smile, cheeks and ears burning. “Paris. Two years ago.”

She almost spits out her wine.

“But nothing happened, he didn’t even look twice at me. I was a total dick. But I guess I just never stopped thinking about him. Then we met again a few months ago in LA. At Halcyon. He’s in a band, too.”

Her eyes widen with surprise. “A band I’d know?”

“A band you’d probably know, yeah.” They’d had billboard hits, a few number ones too, and they’d done the Late Night Show just last week—a show my mom watches almost religiously. She’s definitely gonna know them.

Since she looks like she’s going to hit me if I don’t tell her this fucking second, I say, “You like K-pop, right?”

She looks confused for a second before her mouth drops open and sheliterallysqueals out loud.

“No? No way! You are kidding me?” She’s sitting all the way up in the chair, eyes peeled wide.

“Everything okay out here, hon?” Gavin says, popping his head out of the sliding door to look between us both. Mom looks at me and I give her a smile and a half shrug thing and she stands up, turning to Gavin.

“Sweetheart, we have some news. And it’s that Raphael and Camille are separating—and my baby’s rediscovering his sexuality. With a K-pop idol. That’s what they call them. Idols. It’s Jaehyun isn’t it?Jae,”she asks, looking back at me.

I can only nod, too impressed by her deductive skills to speak.

She turns back to Gavin. “That pretty band we watched on Late Night last week, hon, remember?”

Gavin’s eyes are wider than saucers as mom pulls up Jae’s picture on her phone and shows him. I down the rest of my beer and stare up at the moon trying to work out what time it is in Seoul. It takes me a little longer than normal with the food and beer weighing down my brain, but I still get there quicker than most. 9 p.m. in Colorado is 1 p.m. in Seoul.

It’s not until I’m going to bed at just after midnight (4 p.m. in Seoul), my head a little blurry from the beer and all the honesty, that my phone goes off with a notification from him. It’s a picture. He’s lying in bed with his eyes half closed and the duvet pulled right up past his chin. Kissable pout on his bare, sleepy face.

JH: I woke up alone.

JH: I dreamt of you.

Me: I hope it was a sex dream.

JH: It is a secret ,)

JH: Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

I debate whether to say it, not knowing how he’ll react, but I need him to know that I’m not messing about here. That I know what this is. Thathe’simportant. A life-changing, soul-shifting event.

Me: I told my mom about you.