Page 65 of Hamartia

“I know. It is for you,” I say as I hand my card to the assistant.

Kai flashes me a wide grin of thanks, which makes him look ten years younger.

As she’s ringing it all up, I wander back to first rack and pull out the blue silk shirt with yellow embroidery, in what I’m certain is Raphael’s size, and add it to the pile. I suppose if this is all over then I can wear it while crying over bokkeumbap.

Ji-hoon comes back to the apartment with me, and we order in while catching up with Kingdom on Netflix. He’d already seen the episode but seems content enough to sit through it again. I didn’t feel like being alone. I’d switched off my cell phone and left it charging by the bedside while we ate and talked and got comfortable on the couch.

It’s around 9 p.m. when the doorbell sounds. I glance at Ji-hoon for some reason, as though he can see through walls and doors, though I’m certain I don’t need him to, because I know it’s Raphael. Ifeelit. No one else would turn up here, not without calling. And since my cell is next door and the members know we are together, they would call him if they couldn’t get me. It’s Raphael. I know it is.

Ji-hoon makes no move to sit up but reaches for the remote to pause the show. He gives me a look.

“Do you want me to answer it?” he asks.

I’m not sure if he also knows who it is, but he looks a little tense.

I shake my head and stand, running a hand through my hair as I go. Had he tried to call before coming over? If this is finished, would I rather have heard it from his disembodied voice over the phone? Probably. Except Raphael is exactly the kind of person who would feel the need to do this in person. I’m sure of it. Stupid, ridiculous, American.

I pull open the door to find him standing there like a dog who has been lost for weeks and has somehow found his way back home. Eyes big and round with uncertainty. Then I notice his bag. A hopeful warmth rushes at me so fast I can’t breathe.

“Hey,” he says. “So, I was hoping that offer to stay here for a few days was still valid?”

I’m not sure what look I have on my face but it doesn’t deter him at all, because he leans in and ghosts his mouth over mine. Gentle and unsure but so warm.

Stunned, I let him kiss me.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he says. “I never expected she’d show up. I mean, I should have, Cam is…well…she’s forward, kinda like you are, but yeah, I’m sorry I ditched. I just had to speak to her you know.” He looks down, guiltily. “I owed her that.”

“Everything okay, Jaehyun-ah?” Kai’s stern voice comes from behind us, and Raphael’s head snaps up.

He straightens, eyes darkening as they go over my shoulder. From innocent and sweet to…suspicious, angry. The thought that it might be jealousy has that awful part of me singing. They watch each other, these two men who are terribly important to me, like cats might. Stiff and tall. Eyes hard as glass. I wonder who will hiss first. When the atmosphere is dense enough to see, I speak.

“You are still welcome to stay,” I tell Raphael as I open the door wider.

Raphael still looks suspicious. Glancing from me to Ji-hoon, biting the inside of his lip. Something he does a lot.

“For God’s, sake come in. I am not going to hit you,” Ji-hoon hisses before leaving us alone in the hallway.

Raphael watches Kai go before flicking his eyes back to me, indecisiveness playing in his ocean eyes. They’re so blue when he’s unsure. Greyer when he is.

“He won’t hit you,” I confirm.

“I’m not afraid of him hitting me,” he scowls, throwing a death glare back in the direction of the living room.

I step closer to him, placing my hand flat on his chest. His heart is beating hard and fast. Like thunder under his skin. Body warm to the touch.

“Then what are you afraid of?” I ask him.

He gives me an open look. Childlike.

“Honestly? Everything. I’m scared of everything right now, Jae.”

And he sounds afraid. Voice trembling with vulnerability. I want to protect him. From anyone and everything that might want to hurt him. From Ji-hoon. From myself. I reach up and stroke my fingers across his cheek.

“Everything will be okay,” I say as I brush a section of his dark blonde hair off his forehead. “I promise it will all be okay.”

He leans into my touch and closes his eyes. A soft noise escaping his throat. When I reach up and press a kiss to his neck, over his pulse, a shiver moves through his whole body. He grips my hips and pulls me into him, pressing his nose to the top of my head where he inhales deeply.

“Fuck, I can’t think past you,” he whispers like a confession.