Page 110 of Hamartia
“Maybe. Or biting.”
To demonstrate I roll over him and shove my face in the crook of his neck and bite down, not hard enough to mark, but hard enough to make him squeal. He twists his body away, laughing.
“You’re so fucking edible, it’s a wonder you’re still whole honestly.” I bite his shoulder next. He squeals.
“Stop! Please, stop!”
He’s gasping and giggling as I unlatch my mouth from his skin. Then he’s lying under me, hair ruffled and cheeks pink, eyes sparkling with something. He’s so fucking gorgeous like this. Loose and open and smiling.
“I love you,” I tell him. “I don’t need you to say it back, and I don’t need you to feel the same. It’s soon for you, I get it. But I feel like I’ve been in this for a long time and now that I’ve got you like this, I’m all in. I’ll take whatever you can give me, Jaehyun. I know all of this is harder for you…that you have to be careful with who you decide to be with or whatever. I get it. But I don’t care about any of the stuff that you think I should be worried about, I told you that already.” I stroke a section of his silver hair back from his face. “I just want you.”
He swallows, mouth falling open a little, breathing still quick from his laughter. When he presses his palm over my heart I think he might be about to say it back and for a minute I wonder if I want him to say it in Korean or not.
But it’s not what he says anyway.
“I will give you everything I can, Raphael.” It’s that small voice again. Soft and gentle and so very sincere. “Please just…wait for me. I want to be with you. I will try hard to give you all that you need, just please wait for me.”
He’s pleading with his eyes. I lean down to kiss him, deep and rough.
“I’ll wait for you, baby.” I kiss the words into his mouth as he wraps his arms around my neck. “As long as it takes, I’ll wait for you.”
As the coffee brews, I call my parents’ number, hoping as always that it’s mom who answers. I consider it my first gift of the day when her soft voice comes down the line.
“Good morning, mama. I wanted to wish you and papa merry Christmas.” I take a seat at the dining table.
“Ah, Jaehyun-ah, honey,” mama says and my chest tightens. “Merry Christmas. You are at home?”
“Yes, for now. But I have plans later.”
She doesn’t ask what they are or chide me for not coming home. I try to imagine taking Raphael home to Daejeon to meet them and goosebumps prick at my arms and across my neck. He would be very charming I am sure; but it wouldn’t matter. Not to papa at least.
She tells me that he’s out, gone to pick up grandma and Min-Seo to bring them to the house. She asks if I am eating well and working hard and makes me promise to try to come home for Lunar New Year. She tells me that she is proud of me, that papa is too, and thanks me for the gifts I had sent to them which they opened last night.
It’s not a long phone call but when I hang up I breathe deeply with relief, the imaginary list in my head of things I must do today, a little shorter.
Ji-u is the first to wish everyone merry Christmas in the group chat. Boohyin sends a silly video of a cat dressed as an elf and dancing to an American Christmas song. I send a simple message with some Christmas tree emojis. Ji-hoon wishes me merry Christmas privately first, thanking me for the gift—a piece of art by an artist he likes—and then tells everyone to have a great day in the group chat.
I sip my coffee as I consider what Raphael said last night.
He loves me. It should make me incredibly happy; he is the first man to tell me so in the way I have always wanted. It should fill me with joy and happiness and excitement for the future. And I do feel some of those things. Just not as strong as I feel other things. Fear. Anxiety. Uncertainty. Like the future is rushing towards me at high speed and if I don’t jump or move out of the way then I am going to be crushed. Or perhaps it is the past which will crush me. Perhaps Raphael could love me hard enough that it will not matter about all the ways in which I am broken, faulty, imperfect.
I try to consider my own feelings. I do this often very early in the morning or very late at night, because somehow when the world is quiet my mind is always loud. I try to sort through the loudness to the core of how I feel about Raphael. I’ve not yet accepted it to be love; it is too soon for it, even if love has always come too easy for me. (And not easy enough for those I want to love me back.) Whatever we have feels too new and fragile to be weighed down by such a heavy word as love.
My feelings for Raphael are strong, I know this. Surprisingly strong. He makes me feel cared for and warm and like I am enough. There is happiness in these things. These weeks with him, laughing and learning him, I’ve been happier than I can remember being for a long time. But some final tether holds me back from falling fully into this with him. Whether it is the fact that I worry I am still a novelty for him, that he will wake up soon and realize that this has all been a fun experiment, I do not know. But he has always been clear with me, and I trust he feels that which he says he does. But I know too that love can be a fickle and changing thing. And almost never unconditional.
He says it’s been easy to love me but he doesn’t know what it is to love me yet—I worry that he doesn’t really know me at all. The life I lead in the quiet, out of the spotlight. He said he’d take whatever I can give him, but he deserves better. He deserves more than to be hidden away and denied, more than to be a lie I tell the world over and over. More than the sad dark nights I can offer him behind a closed door.
Except, is this not what I wanted from Ji-hoon? Something real. Something unhidden.
Raphael is offering me everything I want and it’s me, this time, who is unwilling. No, not unwilling—unable.
Shiro mewls at my feet and I scoop him up and kiss him on the nose.
“Merry Christmas, baby. I have some extra special treats for you today. But you have to be good while we are travelling, okay?”
He meows softly, warm little body purring like an small engine as I tuck him under my chin and stand, kissing him again as I move to the kitchen. I set him down near his bowl and start making some eggs and bacon. I’ll wake Raphael up when it’s ready. We don’t have a lot of time this morning before we have to leave for Gyeonggi to spend two days at the forest house before returning to Seoul. The company had arranged for someone to cook dinner for us, but I only had them for a few hours this evening.
When they’re done, I spoon the eggs onto the plates and top with bacon, pour two fresh cups of brewed coffee, set the toast in the center of the table and then go to the bedroom.