Page 33 of Hamartia

I pinch the bridge of my nose as guilt flares from my gut to my chest. “I mean, we’re gonna have to talk, obviously. About what this is, you, and what I’ve done. But as of right now, we’re still together, yes.”

“Then I am clear about what this is.”

There’s no trace of disappointment in his voice, or anything like it, it’s just cool and matter of fact. I’m not sure why that makes me feel the way it does. Turned on. Hot. Desperate.

“Right. Okay.”

“You arrive in New York when exactly?” he asks.

“Tuesday morning. We have a TV show recording in the afternoon, then a couple interviews after—but I should be done around six.”

“We have a schedule all day on Tuesday, but I will be back by eight.”

“Can I…come and see you then?”

There’s a pause. And then: “Yes, you can. I will send you the address of where I am staying.” He takes another pause. “If you change your mind, I will not be offended.”

“I won’t.”

“There is some time between now and then.”

“I think you underestimate how much I want you. HowlongI’ve wanted this.”

There’s a slight quake of nervousness maybe in his voice when he says, “You were able to control yourself last night.”

“I barely breathed the entire time,” I say. “It’s kinda hard to think about first base when you’re just trying to keep yourself alive.”

“What isfirst base?”

“It’s nothing.” I drop my head back to look at the sky; a sheet of indigo velvet scattered with diamonds. “I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, Jae.”

The nickname just slips out and when he’s quiet for a moment I worry it’s too much, too soon.

“Sshibal,” I think he says. I make a mental note to google what it means. Then with a sort of whispered finality he says, “I will see you in a few days, Raphael.”

“Yeah, okay. See you in New York.”

He ends the call without saying goodbye and I sit on Crawford’s balcony playing over the entire conversation in my head. It feels surreal. All of it. He watched the sunrise and thought about me. He thought about me as he tried to fall asleep. He called me. He wants to see me in New York. He wants —

Crawf knocks the glass behind me and slides open the door.

“That Camille? You fight? Need a drink?”

“Drink sounds good,” I say, standing. “I think we’re almost there with this track, you know. I played the bridge through again with that last part you added and it flew, man. It’s really fucking good.”

“Yeah?” he says as he heads for the fridge. “I was thinking about that line from earlier that we tossed, the one aboutlost my head and found myself? It might not sound as lame if we bury it in the back somewhere. I sort of like the line the more I hear it.”

I nod, agreeing with him, but I’m only half listening as I google the words `Sshibal Korean meaning’ on my phone. I smile when I see the translation.

Fuck.

So, he swears. That perfect mouth swears.

There’s a notification from Twitter saying that he’s posted something. I open the app to see a video of his performance with Haven from last night. The angle is from a camera somewhere in the audience, maybe even from his table, and it’s close enough and clear enough to show every expression on his face as he dances. It’s better than the view I had last night and I’m mesmerized, again. I’m not sure what I’m thinking—I’m not thinking, not clearly anyway—when I hit ‘retweet’ and repost the tweet with the quote:Best performance of the night!! This guy can dance. Can you teach me, man?

I’m smiling at the innuendo as I grab a slice of pizza and switch my phone off.

We finish the recording for Dillon around three, an hour later than planned due to some issue with the lighting on the stage they’d rigged for us. It’s unusual. From experience, pre-recorded shows tend to run smoother than any other sort of booking; live shows are always hit and miss and rarely ever go according to plan. Tours always throw up all sorts of unexpected shit (overbooked hotels and delayed flights, injuries, equipment failures) that someone—usually Sam or our tour manager Marianne—has to fix. So, this having run over means one of our interviews has to be rescheduled. It’s not a massive deal since we have some time off after this. Only Mason seems to have an issue with it.