Page 31 of Hamartia

“Jaehyun?”

“Yes, it is me.”

“Fuck.I mean, hey. Hi. How are you?”

My mouth is dry as a desert, my tongue scraping the roof of my mouth as I speak. I reach for my beer and gulp a large mouthful.

“I am in New York,” he tells me.

“Already?” I cough as I swallow too quickly. “That’s great. Cool. I mean…great. Glad you got there safe.”

I seal my mouth closed tight after that because I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.

“I got your number from a friend; I hope you do not mind me doing that.”

I’m shaking my head for a while before I realize he can’t see that. “Not at all, I’m glad. Glad you did that. Glad you called.”

Glad. Glad. Glad. I don’t think I’ve ever said glad before in my life now it’s the only word I seem to know.

I need air. I stand up and head for the balcony. Sliding it closed again behind me. I immediately regret it because it’s noisy out, life going on a few floors below while I feel suspended here in whatever dream this is.

He called me. He called a friend and asked for my number. Then hecalledme.

“I want to be very clear with you, Raphael,” he says sounding very fucking serious. Sobriety rushes at me like a wave. “Our language difference already makes things a little difficult. Difficult to understand the…intention behind some of what is said and how it is said, and so I do not want to make assumptions about things which are not the case, do you understand?”

I swallow, desperately trying to wet the inside of my mouth. It makes no difference, my voice still sounds rough and cracked open when I say, “Yeah, I think so. Clarity. Got it.”

“So, what I am going to say now is because of this: because I do not want there to be any misunderstandings between us.” He takes a deep breath, building up to something. “I do notwantto be your friend, Raphael. I do not want to watch sunrises and think of you. I do not want to close my eyes to go to sleep and see the image of your mouth when you smile. I do not want to spend a five-hour flight daydreaming about your eyes or the sound of your voice or the way you say my name. I do not want it. And yet… all of these things I have done just today.”

“Jaeh…” I start but he’s not finished.

“If you come to see me in New York, then I will assume—based on what you have said—that you wish for there to be something between us which is not friendship. I will also assume, even though you did not confirm it when I asked you, that you wish to fuck me.”

“Ask me again,” I reply before he can say anything else. “Ask me again if I want to fuck you, Jaehyun.”

I can hear his breathing change, soft and almost imperceptible, to something quicker, a little heavier.

“Do you want to fuck me?”

“Yes.” I breathe the word out, the lightness of its release making my head spin. I close my eyes to re-center myself because I feel fit to splinter apart from the confession. “I want that. I want…”

I open my eyes and stare out at the flickering lights of downtown LA, sparks of amber that bleed together the longer I look at them.

“I wantyou.I don’t know what this is but I haven’t been able to think in a straight line since I saw you and it’s driving me insane. I want…to touch you, breathe you in, kiss you, taste you, and I don’t know what any of it means. It’s…it’s like I’m fucking obsessed. I feel obsessed. Have you ever been obsessed with anything? Ever wanted something so much it makes every breath you have to take without it, pointless?”

I have a moment of panic as the words leave my mouth. Panic that I’ve saidtoomuch. Ihave, I know it. I’ve turned this thing that’s been curled up deep down inside out in front of him and he’s going to run from it. From me.

He should run. I should too.

“Yes,” he says quietly. “I have.”

My heart is still thundering, louder than Zeke’s drum line on Bombay Blues, but my head feels clear, suddenly. Clearer than it has in weeks. Like that moment when a fever breaks and finally you can think past the heat in your brain.

“That was a lot, fuck. I’m sorry.”

I sort of want to take it back but I really like how it feels having said it out loud. To know he’s heard it. And he hasn’t hung up.

“You are apologizing to me again.”