Page 90 of Hamartia
This gets a small laugh. “No, not naked. Why did you ask me about Christmas?”
Whatever bravado I had last night definitely feels dulled by my hangover, but I drag some up from somewhere.
“I was wondering if you’d want to, like, spend it together. With me.”
“In LA?” The fact there’s no hesitation makes me feel warm.
“Fuck no, not here. Anywhere else.”
“Does this mean you cannot come to Tokyo?”
“No, I can. I am, I want to come to Tokyo too. I just…” I clear my throat. “I miss you. I really fucking miss you. And a few days in Japan with other people isn’t gonna do it, you know? I want to spend the holidays with you. I was going to go home to see my mom but I think she’d be okay with this. With me coming to see you.”
“You…want to spend Christmas with me?”
He doesn’t sound horrified, only mildly surprised. At least I hope that’s what it is. It occurs to me that I don’t know him well enough to tell yet.I want to spend every fucking minute with youisn’t something I can say right now, not with the paranoia still flickering on the outer edges of my brain.
“Is that too much?” I ask, tone light.
He says nothing for so long I wonder if maybe he’s fallen asleep. Then: “Seoul is very pretty in winter,” Jae says. “I would like to show it to you.”
“You don’t have to spend it with your family, or…”
“We don’t spend Christmas together,” he says, without elaborating.
Nothing else matters then. Not Camille or Mase or the state of our band. Nothing matters except seeing Seoul in winter.
“Then, I’d really fucking like that.”
Ifeel anxious and sick. Like I have done something wrong and I’m just waiting to be discovered. This is outside of the rules we’ve had since our debut.
For eight years, every personal relationship either of us has had or thought about having, has been declared to the company. For the first four of those years, it was forbidden to enter into any. But after that—after Kai and I almost imploded the band—the rules were eased. And as long as we abided by some carefully constructed and mutually agreed protocols, we could see whomever we liked.
No one had ever dated a western, male rock star before. There was no protocol for that.
One of the protocols was to advise the company of any new ‘deepening personal (sexual) relationship/s.’ So preparations could be made and NDA’s drafted. Announcements prepared in case of leaks. There were also defamation lawsuits waiting to be filed if anything false was posted by the media or by our exes about those relationships.
Six months ago, the company had dealt with a fake pregnancy rumor about Boohyin and Saela before it could go public, and there was still the odd rumor in some online circles concerning Kai and me. But since it was mixed in with the usual ‘shipping’ fans do with bands and their members, it was easy to ignore that.
But the fact remained, no personal relationship had ever been discovered by the press because we followed the protocols.
Until now. Until I’d broken them.
Any serious relationship would make the headlines on Newsen. A relationship with a western artist would make headlines across the world. A relationship with a male western artist? That would destroy us. Certainly here at home. We’d pushed the limits over and over again, of course, but this will not be accepted as easily as the outfits and the lyrics and the music videos. I know that.
My stomach lurches once more and I have to rest a hand against the wall of the elevator to steady myself as my legs lose a little strength.
I should have said no. I should have told Raphael coming to Seoul wasn’t possible. But there had been something in his voice that called out to me, saying things that he himself wasn’t saying. He said he missed me—I really fucking miss you, Jae—but it felt like more than that. It felt as though heneededme. I’d never had someone need me before. Not like that. If felt…good.
But this wasn’t the same as a few stolen nights in New York. Or a few nights in Tokyo over New Year’s. This was him coming here, to Seoul, to my home. Seoul was not New York. We’d not left the apartment together there.
Which is why I have to tell them. All of them. The meeting is our monthly schedule rundown. Where the company tells us where we have to be, when we have to be there, and what is expected of us. It’s shorter than usual because we only have a few more things planned before we break for Christmas. So normally we talk about our plans for the holidays, what we need from the company, what they need from us, travel details, emergency contacts and a brief overview of our first appearances of the New Year.
I’m not the last to arrive and the meeting hasn’t started yet. Xan and Kai are not here, though no doubt they are above us somewhere in a studio working.
Taejin seems to be in a good mood, laughing with Seungmin about something near the vending machine. Boohyin is looking at something on his phone that has him laughing quietly. Ji-u is eating ramen from a pot next to me, slurping loudly. He slides the pot to me and offers me his chopsticks. I shake my head. I’m going to throw up.
When the door opens and Xan walks in, followed by Kai, the muscles in my back bunch up almost painfully. I can’t do this.