Page 130 of Hamartia
Fuck, Jae.
I don’t look at anything else, I don’t care about anything else. I flick out of Twitter and pull up his number, closing my eyes as it rings off to voicemail immediately. I debate over whether to leave a message. Does he even want to hear my voice? Especially right now. But I can imagine the fear and the shame and the devastation he’d be feeling right now and decide that maybe he’ll want to hear a supportive voice right now. From someone who loves him no matter what the world now thinks.
“Hey, it’s me. I just woke up. I saw the video and I wanted to…fuck, I don’t know, see how you were doing, I guess? Are you okay? Baby, I’m sorry. I need to know you’re okay though, so can you call me? Also, tell me what you want me to say? I’ll say whatever you want. Or nothing at all. Just…yeah, call me. Let me hear your voice. I’m sorry…I… I love you.”
It’s moments after I’ve hung up, staring out at the broken brown and green landscape of the valley, before I feel the presence of someone behind me. I hadn’t heard her come in, come upstairs, come into the room.
But Camille is standing just inside the bedroom door, weekender bag on her shoulder and small suitcase by her feet. She’s holding her cellphone tight in her hand, her eyes red-rimmed with exhaustion and wide with something sad.
“Cam, I’m…sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…I didn’t…”
She storms toward me, dropping her bag on the bed and then she…wraps her fucking arms around me. A tight, warm, fragrant hug I didn’t know I needed.
“It’s okay. Shhhh, it’s going to be okay,” she says softly as I rest my head on her shoulder. “I promise it’s okay. You’re okay.”
Camille has her arms folded as she stares Sam down, the power of her glare pressing him into the opposite side of the couch.
“He has already told you he will say nothing and post nothing until he hears from Jaehyun.”
Hearing her say his name is surreal, like hearing Carl Sagan tell me the moon is, in fact, made of cheese.
“Now is that all? Honestly I do not know why you’re even here, Sam. If you came over here every time a story appeared online about Rapha then you may as well live in the pool house.”
She tuts, frenchly, and stands. Code for telling him it’s past time that he left.
He sighs, standing. “This isn’t just any story.”
“No, I suppose not. It involves him with another man. Apparently Halcyon choose to be extremely interested when the story has a non-hetero theme.” She gives him a terrifying, pointed glare.
“That’s not what this is.”
“No, I am sure you are just concerned about the welfare of your artist, hmmmm?” She looks at me, then back at Sam. “You know who else is concerned about the welfare of their artists, Samuel? Sony. Interscope. Geffen. And if Halcyon do not remember who they work for, then Raphael’s solo release will find a new home. That part of his contract is under conditions, yes?” She gives him her red-carpet smile.
“Fuck, Camille. Do you want a job?” Sam says, with a shake of his head.
“With Halcyon?” She snorts. “No, thank you. Now if you don’t mind, we have a lot to discuss and you are here uninvited.”
Sam nods, beaten, then looks at me. Just wait until he finds out she’s pregnant. “If you could just give me a heads up before…”
“Before I say anything, post anything, do anything.” I nod. “Yeah, I got it, Sam. Just call me if you hear from YJK, yeah?”
I’d asked him to contact Jae’s people to see what he wanted me to say about this. As yet, there’d been nothing. As yet, Jae still hadn’t returned my call.
Camille shows Sam out and returns to sit by me on the sofa. After we’d hugged for a bit she’d sent me to shower while she made coffee—she’d had tea because, yeah, she’s pregnant—and then Sam had turned up. He’d known nothing, had been hit with it the same as I had the second he opened his eyes this morning.
Jae’s company hadn’t put out any kind of statement yet despite being ahead of it by almost eight hours, and I didn’t know if that was bad or not.
The worst thing about watching that video isn’t the invasion of our privacy. It isn’t the questions I am about to be asked, or the explanations I’m now going to have to give to the people around me. It’s the ache of loss it evokes over my entire body, inside and out. It’s watching us together and knowing I’ll never get to touch him like that again. Never get to be that close to him again. Never get to breathe in the scent of his skin after sleep, see his eyes up close when he smiles, or hear the noise he makes when he puts that first bite of food into his mouth.
In that video he looked like mine, happy and warm and mine, and the notion that he isn’t any more is the worst pain I can ever remember feeling. I’d watched it over and over and over before dialing Jae’s number a second time. Then a third. Each time going to voicemail.
I can’t begin to imagine how he’s dealing with this. What this means for him and his band. Maybe he blames me so much he can’t bear to hear my voice. I can imagine his panic and his fear and I feel responsible for it. I’d been the one who was high, I’d been the one licking at his fucking mouth like a cat at a milk bowl, I’d been the one who’d pushed and pushed and fucking pushed. If not for me…
“Why didn’t you tell me in New York?” Camille asks, pulling me out of my head. “I would have understood if you’d just talked to me.”
I nod. “I knowyouwould have, Cam, ButIdidn’t. I didn’t know what it was for so long until suddenly…I did.” I give her an apologetic look. “I guess since I’d convinced myself I didn’t know what it was, it was like I wasn’t cheating around on you.”
I look down, guiltily, its bullshit. I know it is. She deserved better. Better than what I gave her.