Page 129 of Hamartia

“It is okay, shh, it’s okay, Jaehyun-ah.”

And I believe him. It is going to be okay. If Raphael wants me. Still. Then it is going to be okay. If he doesn’t, then it will be heartache the likes of which I’ve never known, but at least I won’t have to hide this part of me anymore. At least there is hope on the other side. Hope that someone else will love me the way that Raphael was ready to.

God, no. I don’t want someone else. I want him. I want Raphael Scott to love me.

My tears dry up immediately as I’m gripped with a breath-taking urgency. I sit up straight and look at Ji-hoon.

“I need to go to Los Angeles.”

I’m standing up and charging toward the door of the large conference room. I can hear Ji-hoon’s confusion as he blinks after me. Pulling open the door, I find Lua and Seungmin outside, standing in the center of the squared-off seating area in deep discussion.

“I need you to book me a flight and hotel in Los Angeles. A driver too. I want to leave today.”

Lua smiles and nods.

I don’t want him to tell me it’s too late or not to come, or that this video has ruined his life. I want to look him in the eye and tell him everything I should have said before. Then he can decide if he still wants to love me. If it is still easy to love me.

What do you fucking want, Jaehyun?

“You.” I whisper to no one. “I want you, Raphael.”

Sam calls first, pulling me awake from a sleep that’s half emotional exhaustion, half jet-lag. It was so deep that I awaken like I’ve been underwater, sucking in breaths like I’m drowning.

I feel around for my phone on the bedside.

“Yeah,” I croak into it.

“Where are you?” Sam is outside but talking quietly, so it’s a fight to hear him over the noise of the traffic while my brain is still offline.

“At home, why?”

“I thought you were out of the country? When’d you get back?” He says ‘out of the country’ weird. Like the way he might say ‘you’re vegan?’

“Can you call me back when I’m awake, Sam? I got in at four, I’ve only been asleep for…” I crane my neck to check the clock by the side of the bed. “Five hours. I’m not even sure what country I’m in right now.”

“I’m coming over. You need to check the internet.”

And then he’s gone.

I have to fight hard not to fall back under the weight of sleep because my head feels like a whole planet on my neck. The feeling of loss creeps in as I come more fully awake, consciousness ushering it in like an unwelcome visitor.

It’s over. He’s gone.

Scrubbing a hand over my face, I sigh and flick open the stupid fucking bird app.

Another story about Camille and me, I presume. The baby then. I wonder how the fuck the baby news is out and wonder if this is somehow down to Mason too. Does he know? His feelings about it are suddenly way too important.

When I pull up the search bar to search my name, my eye is drawn down to the trending topics. Because at the top is ‘JAEHYUN’. Beneath it, ‘KOSJAEHYUN’. This isn’t unusual. He or his bandmates are trending on here every other day. He wears a short-sleeved top, shows an ankle, goes to an airport and the internet has a breakdown.

But this time, beneath his name, there’s mine.

And below that, ‘JaehyunxRaphael’.

I’m all the way awake in a fucking nanosecond. Sitting up and pulling off the sheet I click on both our names. For the second time in as many days, my entire fucking world stops.

While I’d been asleep my entire life had changed.Unraveled.

It was a video of Jae and I kissing in Dal’s. The tattoo across my hand as I hold his face make it impossible that it’s anyone else. The look on my face makes it impossible that I’m not very much in love with him. The look on his…fuck… had he really looked at me like that? Like he loved me back?