Page 108 of Hamartia

I don’t have much to say to that. So I say nothing and let my thoughts re-order and settle. “Cleo says he’s in love with you? Is that true?”

She sighs again. “You will have to ask Mason that, I suppose.”

“I’m asking you. I’m asking how everyone around me knew about you and him and I didn’t.”

“There is no me and him, Rapha.”

“No? But there was, right? At one point?”

“Your tone is exceptionally judgmental for someone who is sleeping with someone else right at this moment,” she snaps. “Because you are with her now, yes? Where else would you be…”

“This is…different, Cam, he’s one of my best friends. And you lied to me about it for the entirety of our fucking relationship! All of you did. Did you all have a good laugh about it whenever I left the room?”

“Of course not! We never said anything because weloveyou!” She sounds devastated that I would even think that. “Mason loves you, I love you. The others, I did not know about. I did not know that they knew…Putain, what a mess.”

My voice is softer when I ask. “Tell me the truth now. I want to hear it from you.”

She’s only quiet a moment before she starts. “I met Mason at a party in LA.Beforeyou and I were serious. After we met in Paris and flirted a little online. I did not think you were interested in me and so when Mason and I met that night, you did not come up, I did not know who he was at first, did not put the connection together. And when I did, it was not important to say because nothing had ever happened between us. With Mason, it was fun, we got very drunk on free champagne and it was a night I would have probably forgotten if you and I did not meet again in London.”

London. London.I try to cast my mind back. We’d met again at a show I’d done in London without the others, she’d called me out on not calling her back after Paris. I’d liked it. I’d liked her. We clicked. She was smart, beautiful, and she made me laugh. The sex was fucking great and I was fucking happy.

“But after that there were a few times when he’d call me, drunk, telling me he had feelings for me. It was sweet, flattering I guess. I like him as a friend, nothing more. The night of the Grammy awards, after you and Crawford left for your party, he told me again that his feelings had not changed. That he even considered leaving the band, because he could not stay and watch us get married.”

It feels like a smack across the face. Mason wanted to leave the Poets? Because of Camille? Me? Fuck, they could survive losing me easier than they could him. And he’d had this thoughtafterwe’d won a fucking Grammy? The next day was when we’d had our fight over Cleo’s brother.

“I never cheated on you, Rapha. Never.”

It feels shittier than I expect to find I believe her. Given everything I’ve done. It’s guilt and feeling so small that makes me ask the next question. “You never thought I might like to know you’d fucked one of my best friends? That never occurred to you?”

“Oh, Raphael…of course, it did. But when you are falling in love with someone you do not ruin it with things like this. I was afraid I would lose you. I did not want to lose you.”You’ve lost me anyway,I want to say.

I lean forward on my knees and let out my own deep sigh. “It’s over, Camille.”

The words are out and I feel…lighter, there’s a lot of space inside me now where they’d been living and it feels good. Good to have said it. For months I’d been terrified that as soon as it was out I’d want to take it right back. But I don’t. I want to cement it.

“It was over before Mase hit me, before I found out about you and him. It’s not…about that. It’s about me.”

She says nothing right away and I close my eyes and try and imagine the look on her face. I can see it so clearly; the hurt, the pain, and it makes me feel like shit. How had I gotten myself into this position? How had I managed to do this to the woman I was about to spend the rest of my life with? The woman I loved, the woman who was on paper, my perfect fucking match. Who would have given me everything. It hits me like a truck.

I’m him.I’m fucking Finn.

“You have figured it out then?” She asks, “Are you in love with her?”

My eyes are closed and all I can see is him.

“Yeah, I’m in love with someone else.”

Camille is silent again. She’s not hung up, I can still hear the sound of people behind her, the soft notes of her breathing.

“I’m so sorry, Cam.”

It’s a few more beats of silence before she says:

“Merry Christmas, Raphael.”

And then she’s gone.

I drop my phone and let out a breath. I’m thinking about doing my breathing exercises when I see movement at the side of my eye. I expect Shiro but instead Jae is standing there with his toothbrush in his mouth staring at me. He looks stunned. Dark eyes wide in the low light.