Page 106 of Hamartia

“He wants to get to know you,” he explains.

“Why?” I raise an eyebrow.

The guy doesn’t like me. Hated me on site. Clearly doesn’t think I’m good enough for Jaehyun, who he may or may not be in love with. Now he wants to get to know me. It feels like Mase and Camille all over again.

“Because I asked him to.”

I frown. “Why?” I’m hoping there’s nothing in my voice that sounds like I’m bitter or suspicious or worse, jealous. Though I’m certain I feel all three of these.

“Because I want you to get to know each other. He is important to me, and you are…important to me also.”

“You want me to get to know the guy you used to fuck?”

It’s out before I can even think about it. Jae doesn’t react, just stares openly at me. His eyes are expressionless, inscrutable, so I can’t even figure out what tone I used. Whether he’s annoyed. I don’t think I sounded angry with him, I’m not sure I am. I’m just…confused, I guess. Then I realize what he just said:you are important to me.

“He is a lot more than that, Raphael,” Jae says in this really deep way thatdoesmake me angry. That makes something hot and bitter rise up in my chest.

“Yeah? Well, that’s real good to know, Jae.” I down the last of my drink and drop my fork noisily onto the plate and stand. “I need to piss.”

After I empty my bladder I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time, my vision swimming a little from alcohol and disquiet.

When I examine the root cause of that disquiet, who I’m angry with, I realize that it’s me. Of course Kai is more than a guy he used to fuck. He’s known him years, he’s his band leader, he works with him day in and day out. He’s a friend and a confidant. He’s already told me they don’t fuck anymore—that it stopped long before I came along. And Jae has always been open and clear with me from the get go, he’s never been underhanded or deceitful about any of this shit—not like Cam or Mase. Or me, I suppose. He said I’m important to him, and that’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known him.

If he wants me to get to know the important people in his life then I should be fucking happy about it. We don’t speak the same native tongue but this works because we’ve always been upfront and honest about what we want from each other—there’s no room for ambiguity. There’s enough different about us already—shitloads that I still need to understand and get my head around—and I’m not willing to create more misunderstandings. Yeah, fuck that.

When I return back to our picnic, he’s leaning with his head on the wall of windows, thoughtful as he gazes out at the river scene below. The snow has started up again and it flickers down slow and soft, to and fro, against the wind. When he hears me approach he sits up and watches me closely again, searching my face for something.

“Sorry,” I say. “I was being a dick. I want to get to know him too, if he’s important to you then Iwantto get to know him.”

He smiles hesitantly, searching for something on my face. He’s refilled my small glass and I scoop it up and down it again. No misunderstandings. I take a deep breath.

“The night I texted to ask your plans for Christmas, was the same night Mason hit me. I told you that he heard me on the phone talking to you, but that isn’t the full story.”

Jae sits up straighter, eyes rounding with interest as he prepares to hang on every word.

“They slept together—Camille and Mason—before she was with me. I’m not really sure of the details because I haven’t asked. But it turns out he’s in love with her or something.”

I see the knowledge work itself over his features, and then his head snaps up. Because he gets it. The language we both speak: who we are at our cores.

“You think that it is the same with Ji-hoon and me.” It’s not a question.

“Is it?”

He gives me a sad kind of look, then he’s crawling over and into my lap and wrapping his arms around my neck.

“I did not want to go into this long and sad old thing that is between me and Ji-hoon. But I will if it means you will not worry. If it means you will trust me.”

He smooths my hair back off my forehead, digging his fingers gently into the soft part at the back of my head.

“Ji-hoon is not in love with me,” Jae says. There’s no regret in his voice, it’s just softly matter of fact. “And though I thought I was once in love with him, I know now that it was just many other things together that tricked me into thinking that.” This time his voice is sad, regretful. “I will tell you everything you want to know about the mess of Ji-hoon and I, if it is what you want, Raphael. I will never lie to you about this.”

His eyes are wide and open, so open, and when he presses his lips to mine I nearly forget everything else. I’m certain that’s not his intention, but it’s always the outcome when he does it. I separate our mouths and look up at him.

“I don’t need to know everything.” I drop my forehead to his shoulder. “I just needed to know if this…us…is just a stop-gap.”

When I pull up he’s frowning. “Stop-gap?”

“Like…something you were doing temporarily. Until you and him…worked shit out.”