Page 88 of Hamartia
Her eyes go bug wide again.
“I’ve known him a while I guess, but nothing happened until New York.”
She nods. “So Camille knows it’s a guy? Maybe that’s why she was sort of okay about it…she knows this is a big deal for you.”
I shake my head. “She doesn’t know that. Only you and my mom do, so far.”
Her mouth shapes into an ‘o’. “How do you think she’ll take it?”
“Right now? I honestly don’t give a shit.”
It’s a lie. I do care. Of course I do. I’m not sure what my exact feelings about Camille are right now. I need to talk to her. I need to talk to Mason too. But I honestly don’t think my brain or body can take it right now. What Iwantis to talk to Jae. Another thirteen days before I leave for Tokyo and it may as well be a fucking year for all the shit I’m going to have deal with before I get on that plane.
I swallow back some more of the Goose. “I don’t know how the fuck I fix this, Cleo. How do we all go in there tomorrow and record?”
“I’ll speak to the guys and tell them you’re done for the holidays, tell them you know everything and you need some time to get your head around shit,” she says forcefully. “Talk to Camille and maybe Mason, if you feel up to it. Zeke, Crawf and I can record some more without you. You can lay the vocals down when you get back.”
I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to play. I’d missed playing. All of us back in one room again made it feel like I still knew who I was. That not a single thing had changed. When everything had. I liked the certainty of that.
“Take your equipment to your mom’s and see if you can get anything down?” she suggests, seeing the indecision clear on my face.
The idea of them recording any part of this album without me seems wrong, makes me feel uneasy and a little cut out. But the idea of facing them all tomorrow only hammers home the fact that they already did that. They cut me out when they decided to keep this from me. When they decided to rally round Mason and keep his secret for him.
I manage only to nod as the unease swims over my gut again. Cleo puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes.
“You need to eat something if you’re planning on finishing that.” She gestures at the bottle. “I’ll make you some grilled cheese.”
I don’t argue. I could always eat grilled cheese, something she knows only too well. As she busies herself in the kitchen I pull out my phone. There’s a message from Jae from over an hour ago.
JH: Let me know you are okay. Sorry about the photo—I did not mean for it to cause problems. :(
When I open the photo in question again, my body physically aches from want. From how much I want to be with him. Feel the angles of his lean body pressed against mine while he sleeps. Kiss the taste of him into my mouth. Hear the soft broken noises he makes when I do. I flick back to the text screen and type out a response.
Me: I’m good. I just really fucking miss you. Call you later?
Then, without giving it another thought, I write:
Me: What are you doing for Christmas?
Mom wouldn’t be mad if I missed Christmas in Colorado. Not when I just spent Thanksgiving there. I honestly think if I tell her who I’m spending it with she’d likely squeal with excitement again. He said he’s working right up until Christmas Eve but he made no mention of spending it with his family. I wonder if that’s because of the stuff he mentioned about his dad. There’s a selfish fucking part of me that hopes he isn’t spending Christmas with his family, because then he could spend it with me.
I’m waiting for a reply when my phone rings. Not Jae though. Camille.
My body goes completely still as I stare at it. I know then that she’s spoken to Mase. Because she does that. She did it when I was in New York too. Clearly it’s something they do. Something twists in my gut, bitter and hot, and I take another sip from the bottle as I watch her ring off. The missed call message pops up. Then a text.
Camille: Raphael, please call me. It’s not what you think, I promise you.
There’s a heart too. A little red one. It swims in front of my eyes as I stare at it trying to decide whyIfeel guilty. I blink it away, but it stays blurry. I’m wasted. There’s no response from Jae by the time I’m slouched on the sofa and Cleo comes back with my grilled cheese. The cheese oozes out of the sides and suddenly I’m ravenous.
“You going to be okay? I can stay if you want? Talk this out. Or we can just watch Ghost in The Shell and get wasted?”
She looks worried about me and I sort of understand why. I feel edgy and frayed, a bit unhinged honestly. I’ve just come out to her, found out my best friend is in love with my (ex?) girlfriend, and almost sank a bottle of quality vodka—all in the space of a couple of hours.
I take a bite of the sandwich and shake my head. “I’m good. Gonna finish this and sleep it off. Thanks.” I talk round a mouthful as I hold it up.
She nods, warily. “You call me if you need to okay? I’m here for you, we all are. Even if you don’t believe me right now.”
“I believe you.” I’m not wholly sure if it’s the truth, but I also don’t think I have the capacity to lie about it right now either. Too much effort.