Page 8

8

auburn

As I paced in a stranger’s apartment, my brain sifted through all the ways to talk myself out of this and tell Ledger I needed to go.

Also! Why was I pantless? Why did I think it was a better idea to take off my pants and parade around with no underwear than to wear his oversized sweats, especially since my period panties were in his dryer. I just prayed I wouldn’t get my period in the next couple of hours because that would be a whole layer of embarrassment the world wasn’t ready for.

I was losing all sense of myself, becoming someone unrecognizable—confident, self-assured, and dining with a stranger. I found myself pacing his apartment, torn by a growing urge inside me, as if I’d been given truth serum.

I wanted to explain why dating him was impossible, that I’d probably be the worst date he’d ever had, and had never been on a formal date in my life. Admitting I didn’t know what I was doing, as I’d had one sexual experience with another person, and was terrified around men, especially him, made me feel like a blubbering idiot.

Ledger’s home smelled like him—a pine forest mixed with the warmth of a crackling fire on a chilly day. Don’t ask me how I came up with that, but it just made sense. Everything seemed to make sense.

In the midst of pacing, I glanced up at him on every turn. He said nothing, and his eyes bore no judgment; he just watched me as I processed my thoughts. I needed to use opposite action. Instead of doing the things my fear response was telling me, I was going to do the opposite.

“Listen…” I stopped, needing to put physical distance between us in order to get this out. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

The words slipped out effortlessly, like long-buried confessions bubbling up to the surface. “I don’t either,” Ledger whispered.

I swallowed. “Agh. I hate this,” I confessed, running my hands through my hair, hating the way my curls coiled on my fingers, making the whole motion awkward and uncomfortable.

Ledger got up from the stool but hesitated. My instinct was to run. I kept thinking about the opposite theory. If my mind was telling me to bolt, what should I actually be doing?

I froze, as if my feet were molded to the concrete.

“Hate what?” he asked. His voice warmed me, like feeling the sunshine after weeks of dreary winter days.

“Ledger—” I coughed. “I, er, I have never been on a date before. Yes, it’s because I’m a caretaker, but I could, I guess…”

I was a blubbering idiot. The opposite theory was stupid, and I was going to tell off the person who proposed it. “I’m probably much older than you too.”

He gave me that dimpled smile that made my heart crack in my chest and took one more confident step in my direction. “I’m thirty-two. If you wanted to know my age, you just had to ask.”

I threw my hands up and paced away from him toward the windows. “Ugh. See. You’re too young for me.”

“How old are you?” I was so dumb for admitting I’d never gone on a date with anyone and I was in my mid-thirties.

“I’m thirty-five.” I hung my head in shame.

“Sunshine.”

He’d probably ask me to leave. I would just have to grab my clothes at another time. Maybe I could have Austin come get them.

No. No. I could not have Austin, my son, get my clothes from a man’s house who somehow worked on the team.

“Sun. Shine,” Ledger repeated, snapping me out of the thoughts swirling in my head.

“Yeah?” I whipped around, slamming into his broad chest. “Oh. You’re right here.”

“Right here,” he repeated.

I gaped up at him, and I could’ve sworn he’d grown in height. He was so much taller than me that if I got on my tiptoes my head wouldn’t reach his shoulders.

That fucking dimple appeared on his face and suddenly I was like a blubbering middle-schooler forgetting her words with her first crush. “That makes us three years apart.”

Ugh, but he didn’t get it. I’d lived a hundred lives since I was seventeen. He was just starting. He had a career and lived in a fancy-ass apartment. I was on my own for the first time in years.

He wouldn’t get it.

I sighed deeply. “You’re right,” I said, looking right into his gorgeous brown eyes. In the right light, little golden specks shined through.

“You’ll learn soon”—he ducked down, meeting my gaze—“I’m always right.”

I swatted at him, letting out a little giggle. “Stop it.”

Neither of us moved from our position, our chests rising in sync. “Auburn.”

He uttered my name as if it were a complete sentence, as though he was attempting to etch it into his memory. My heart thumped so loudly that I wondered if he could hear it.

“I want to kiss you right now, and I’m trying my damnedest to be a gentleman.”

“Yeah?” I swear my heart lurched into my throat. In my years of existence, nothing like this had ever happened. I was actually living in the moment.

Opposite. Action.

He gazed at me with an unexpected intensity, catching me off guard. His lips subtly curled, a hint of anticipation in his expression. His brown eyes locked onto mine, and the world faded away.

I took a deep breath, determined to be stronger and break free from the chains of my past. From what I saw, Ledger was patient, considerate, and genuine. Instead of expecting the worst, I allowed myself to be open to the possibility that not all men should be defined by the scars of my past. His warmth was like a gentle flame, melting the icy walls I had erected over the years.

I could leave at any point. My new mantra. He wasn’t blocking me. We were standing in the middle of the living room. I knew if I told him no, he’d back away. Sure, he’d be hurt, but he’d move…for me.

“Ledger.” I took a deep breath. “Kiss me.”

Within mere seconds, his lips crashed down onto mine and I was lost. God, I was so lost in the abyss of sheer pleasure.