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auburn

“You need to get out of this bed.” Emma came to visit me after I’d called her crying over ruining my relationships with my son, my mother, and my boyfriend—wait—except, he wasn’t that. I had fucked everything up with Ledger all in one night because of a decision I made.

“I don’t wanna,” I groaned, throwing a pillow over my face. Two weeks ago, I ruined my life, and since then, it had been the longest, saddest stretch of time. Emma came to help mediate between Austin and me, reassuring me he was still safe and attending practice. Coach had called to tell me that Nova was with Austin and he seemed to be doing the things he was supposed to. Austin told Emma he needed some space and was staying at a hotel but still loved me. When I asked why he was staying at the hotel, Emma had said because he knew I had the key and didn’t want me to come barging in.

“Do you have to work today?” Emma asked, and I shook my head.

“No, I’m off,” I replied, attempting to get out of bed to make myself food. Staying busy helped, but being so close to the stadium was a constant reminder of my instinct to flee. It wasn’t selfishness, it was fear that drove me to run.

“Damn. I have a work call. I was hoping for some space?—”

“I’ll figure something out,” I said. She’d sacrificed so much for me coming out here. “I’ll go for a walk along the lake or something.”

It was finally spring, and maybe Emma was right. “Fresh air might help you.”

I gave her a tight-lipped smile. “Maybe?”

It was a question because nothing could help me. Emma came over to sit atop my fluffy pink duvet cover. The warm sun seeped in through the large windows of my apartment. “This is different, Auburn. I need you to realize that this situation is nothing like when you were a child. You didn’t somehow do this on purpose. You fell in love.”

I shook my head, not believing her. “No. Just as my mother would say, I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I’m tainted. I got involved with Ledger only to ruin my son’s career and my friendship with him.”

Emma sighed. “First, you are not your mother, nor are you her prophecy. You’re an adult who can make decisions. She doesn’t get to decide that you’re not worthy of love.” I tried to interrupt, but Emma stopped me. “Second, you didn’t ruin his career. We’ve established that everything is okay with Austin. Even the last game they played together they looked like teammates. There was no animosity between them.”

“You don’t know that for a fact.” I shrugged, dropping down onto the bed and staring up at the bright, blank wall above me.

Emma looked down at me, her lips pulled tightly. “What if I told you I did? Austin called me the other day and told me they worked it out.”

I groaned. On one hand, I was glad that Austin was talking to someone, but then I thought if they were fine, what was I doing sitting in bed feeling like dog shit? I sacrificed and took the brunt of the pain like I always had.

“Are you going to pick that up?” Emma’s voice snapped me out of my thought spiral, and I realized that my phone was ringing over on the gray nightstand.

Quickly, I swiped to answer it. “Austin?”

“Hey, Mom.”

“I’ve missed you,” I said in a timid whisper, unsure of how he would respond.

There was a long pause.

“Wanna come over for sushi? I’ve finished practice, and Aunt Emma told me she had to work from home, so I figured we could have lunch and give her space.”

I nodded, though he couldn’t see me through the phone. “Absolutely.”

Austin let out a light laugh. “See you in a bit.”

I hung up and shot out of bed.

“Good. I’m glad he called,” Emma said, and she got off her chair.

I ran over and gave her a huge hug. Emma was like my sister, she deserved so much, and I was endlessly grateful for her. “I know you did that. Thank you.”

She relaxed into a smile. “You deserve so much more than you were given, Auburn.”

“I know.” For once, I knew. I needed to start by making my amends and realizing I had people in my corner, rooting for me. It was time for me to figure this out.

* * *

“You knocked?” Austin asked as he opened the door. “You know you have a key, right?”

He looked relaxed in black sweats and a matching hoodie, his blond hair still damp. As I stood in the hallway, a wave of sadness washed over me. I wasn’t here to see him , just to visit Austin, but I couldn’t help wishing I could see him .

“I know, but with everything, I felt awkward just opening it up.”

He sighed, a blush creeping onto his cheeks, then went in for a huge hug. “Mom, I’m sorry I said those things about you. I was just angry in the moment.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry, baby.” I swallowed, holding back my tears. “I messed up.”

Austin linked his hand through mine and guided me over to the couch, where he grabbed me a cup of coffee.

“You made this?” I asked hesitantly, putting it to my lips and inhaling to make sure it was drinkable.

“Yeah, kind of had to learn if I wanted to survive with caffeine.”

I gave a soft smile as he plopped on the couch next to me. “You’re all grown up.”

He nodded as he bit back a grin. “I guess that’s why we’re here, right? I’m grown up and didn’t act like it. I feel childish. I acted stupidly by screaming at you and bringing Grandma.”

I shook my head. “I should’ve told you. I have always told you the truth?—”

“But have you, Mom?”

I took a sip of the warm liquid while I thought about what he was asking. This was a time for truth, and I had to accept that my son was old enough to let him know. “No,” I confessed.

“Tell me now, then.”

Taking a deep breath, I braced myself for the pain that would go along with the memories. “Your father—sperm donor—he wasn’t the man I thought he was, Austin. It was one night, and he was so popular at school that I thought I was safe with him, but then he took me—his true colors showed me who he was that night.”

Austin had a tear running down his cheek. “Mom. I didn’t know. I had no idea.”

“I never hid him from you intentionally. I can kind of picture him, but it’s like my trauma erased his name and details. After he told me that he wanted nothing to do with you or me, I pushed him out of my life.

“I could have done better as a mom. I should’ve found him later in life so you guys could have maybe reconciled.” I recounted the memories of us together when I had to play the role of two parents for him. I imagined what it would’ve been like if I knocked on JXX’s door all those years past, if he would have bothered opening it.

“I’ll never forget when we had that dad day in elementary school and they almost didn’t let me come, but you went to the school, determined to show up for me and not miss out on anything. You were more than enough for me, Mom.”

There was a long pause.

“Was it one time that he did that?”

I nodded. “It was one night, and I blamed myself. I thought it was something that I wore or that I did.”

Austin’s expression shifted, a mixture of shock and disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I wanted to protect you, Austin. I didn’t want you to grow up with the burden of knowing your father was a monster,” I explained, tears welling up. “Your grandmother blamed me for most of it too. It was like wearing a scarlet letter, and she constantly told me it was my fault for what happened.”

He reached out, taking my hand in his. “I wish you had told me sooner, Mom. I hate that you had to go through that alone.”

The weight of his words added to the ache in my heart. “I didn’t want you to see me as weak, Austin. I wanted to be strong for you. You were a kid, and God, when they first brought you out in the hospital room, I knew you were mine. You were so beautiful, and being your mom is the biggest honor I’ll ever have.”

“You’re so strong, Mom—the strongest person I know,” he said softly, squeezing my hand reassuringly. “You’ll always be the best mom I have ever met in my entire life. I think it’s time, though, that you find someone who can be strong for you.”

As I looked into his eyes, I saw a reflection of the resilience I had instilled in him. While the scars would always remain, they served as a reminder of the bond that held us together through the darkest of times.

“What about Grandma?”

I shook my head slowly. “Grandma said those exact words to me when I was seventeen, just like she did the other day,” I confessed, my voice heavy with sorrow.

“I’m older than you were then, and I have all the resources in the world, a supportive family…but I’d still be so scared if I was going to have a baby, Mom,” Austin admitted, the weight of his words settling like a stone in my chest.

“Yeah,” I agreed softly. “I was absolutely terrified.”

“Was Grandma always so negative?” Austin asked, searching my eyes for answers. I nodded, my heart heavy with the memories of my mother’s constant pessimism.

I recounted how my mother’s help often came at a steep cost, how her well-intentioned efforts sometimes caused more harm than good, leaving my mental health in tatters.

“I love being your mom,” I whispered, the tears spilling onto my cheeks. “And I would never do anything to jeopardize that. But when I met Ledger, I had no idea who he was. He was unlike anyone else in my life.”

“It’s okay, Mom. I talked to Ledger. We had a fight?—”

“What?” I balked, sitting straighter on the couch and putting the coffee down on the table next to me.

“No, no.” Austin reached out for my hand. “It’s nothing like that. It was just…we had to get it off our chests, but we’re fine.” There was a long pause. “He loves you, Mom.”

I nodded, more tears clouding my eyes, making my cheeks soaked. “I know, but I can’t make that selfish choice anymore, Austin. I’m here in Chicago to support you. I’m not here to get involved with your captain, so I promise I’ll never pursue him.”

Austin squeezed my hand. “That’s not what I’m saying. I think you deserve to be loved, Mom. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. I’m only upset because I didn’t want Ledger to dump you after all of it, but you deserve the best, Mom. Ledger is the one for you.”

Gratitude and hope filled me as I realized that maybe it was okay to let myself be loved and to pursue my own happiness, even if it meant facing the unknown. Leaning into Austin’s embrace, I knew that whatever the future held, we would face it together, stronger than ever.

“I want you to be with him, Mom.”

The words were something that I had longed to hear for weeks, but the tinge of sadness pulled at the strings of my heart. “I don’t know if he feels the same toward me.”

Austin gave me a wry smile. “Maybe you should ask him yourself?”

He tilted his chin, signaling for me to look where he was pointing. I glanced up and heard heavy footsteps approaching from down the hallway.

“What did you do?” I asked, quickly standing and straightening my shirt.

I was in gray joggers and a black V-neck, not something I’d usually care about, but I felt underdressed when Ledger came down in slacks and a black button-down, his chest slightly exposed.

“You shaved,” I said, noticing the stubble that highlighted his dimple. He looked less rugged, but the charm I loved was still there. He cracked a smile as he made his way over to Austin’s living room. “Did you hear?”

“No. I stayed up there until Austin gave me the signal.”

I looked over at my son, standing in the middle of his living room with my jaw dropped. My words were failing me. “I spent the past couple of weeks thinking you two hated each other and instead you were working together?”

They gave each other a look before Austin spoke. “To be fair, it took us a minute to find our place in each other’s lives. It’s a little more complicated, but Cap—Ledger—showed me that he loves you, Mom.”

I looked over at Ledger, who’d shoved his hands in his pocket. He was looking down at the floor and shuffling his black dress shoes about.

“Wait, I never had sushi with you.” I pointed over at the coffee on the table, then Austin let out a chuckle.

“Part of the plan, Mom.” My eyes went to his as if I was searching for answers to so many of the questions I had.

“I’m okay,” Austin whispered. “I promise.”

“I can’t do this, Austin. I can’t be the reason your career falls apart.” My eyes shifted to meet Ledger’s. “What if you hurt me, and it leads to a fight between you two?”

“Not going to happen,” Ledger said quickly. “I promise.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be perfect all the time, but I think Ledger is a good guy. Of all the guys on the team, he was the only one who stayed and helped me out. I know that Coach made him, but he went above and beyond making sure I knew the ins and outs with the team. He showed me that hockey isn’t about girls and just getting the best shot and sponsorships.”

Ledger looked up from the ground to look at Austin. The corner of his lip twisted into a satisfied smirk.

“You’ve given me so much, Mom. It’s my turn to give you this. Please let me do this for you?”

I ran over toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” I cried into his shirt.

“You raised me, Mama.”

I pulled away and dried my tears, then I looked Ledger up and down. “I can’t go out with you when you’re dressed like you’re going to take me to a five-star restaurant and I’ve been crying for two straight weeks.” I threw my hands around my waist, feeling uncomfortable.

Austin had an all-knowing glint in his baby blues before he headed down the hall and came back with a dress that I’d bought years ago along with a pair of heels.

“Aunt Emma packed this.”

I let out a small laugh. “You all are in on this plan? No one decided to let me in on it?”

Austin shook his head.

“You deserve this and much more, Mom,” he said, motioning toward the hallway. “Now go change.” I nodded and began to walk away, but glanced at Ledger, who remained silent in the shadows of the room, his hands still buried in his pockets. His deep, whiskey-colored eyes locked onto me as I moved, a blush creeping across my cheeks.

It wasn’t embarrassment or shame that flushed my face, but rather the tender way he looked at me. He filled a void I hadn’t realized was there, and simply being near him made me yearn to hold him tightly. With Austin’s permission and the fact he finally knew the truth of what happened, I could give the last bit that was missing to Ledger.

I hoped he’d take me back.