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auburn

“Mom?” Of fucking course he had to walk in before my mom did. I grabbed the sweatshirt to spare him any further embarrassment.

“Austin,” I said. There were so many other things I wanted to say.

Run away. Turn around. Get out.

But I was taken back to the place where I was when I was a teenager—a place where I completely froze.

I got my sweatshirt over my head and heard Ledger behind me zipping up his pants.

“Wait, fuck. Holy shit. Are you with someone?” Austin finally registered what happened, and my eyes followed his to Ledger’s back. He’d turned around, so maybe I was still safe.

“I can explain,” I said when I got off the floor. “I just think you both should come back.”

“Your mother was always a whore,” my mother sneered. I got a good look at her while the venomous words spewed from her tongue. She was wearing a pair of blue slacks and a cream-colored silk blouse. She had oversized sunglasses atop her head and was looking around the apartment in disdain.

I flinched. “Mother. Always a pleasure.”

I bit my tongue because I was in the presence of my son. This wasn’t the time nor place.

“No. Austin, it’s true. Your whore of a mother never found out who your father was. Never gave him…”

The world started to crumble around me. It almost felt as I’d imagined what an earthquake would feel—something so earth-shattering that the ground beneath me opened, and I fell through the cracks, down into the abyss. Austin was looking at me but also inching closer to Ledger, who, at my mother’s tone, turned around.

“That’s enough. I believe your daughter asked you to leave respectfully, but I won’t offer you that grace, Ms. Hart. Get out of her house.”

My eyes fell to Ledger, who was headed in our direction, and my eyes snapped up. “No. Leave me alone. This has already caused enough damage, just like I knew it would.” The words stumbled out of my mouth. I didn’t intend for them to be so harsh, but I needed to defuse the situation before?—

“Captain?” Austin asked, his hand over his heart as he stumbled a few steps backward.

“This gets better. My whore of a daughter is sleeping with her son’s captain.”

I’d have welcomed the earthquake to distract us. I looked at the door, wondering how I could escape, when Austin turned around to my mother still standing in the doorway.

“Grandma,” Austin said, his teeth clenching. “Get out of here. This doesn’t involve you.”

Tears fell down my cheeks, tears I didn’t realize I had. This was what I didn’t want to happen and, after walking in on me, my son was defending me to my own mother.

I’d spent years—eighteen to be exact—trying to keep him away from her comments. I’d deflect them or try to avoid her so she didn’t have to comment on me every time I was near her. When he was a baby, I’d spend my days off in my room avoiding her as much as I could. When she came to yell at me, I’d always make him go to another room, so he wasn’t privy to her berating me.

My mother huffed something none of us could hear as she headed down the hallway. I had no care in the world where she went or how she got there.

When she left, I saw my son, his blond curls falling in his face as he looked between Ledger and I. Ledger was still over by the couch and I was standing next to the frame of the door in front of Austin, as I gripped the small console table next to me.

“Austin, I can explain?—”

“My captain, Mom? Really?” His voice cracked.

“I didn’t know he was your captain when we first met. It was before the season.” My heart was racing so fast I felt like it would fly out of my chest. “I didn’t know.”

“You fucked my mom?” Austin looked over at Ledger, as he moved me to the side so he could get closer to him.

“Listen, I know?—”

Austin squared up in front of him. Ledger was far taller than him but something about the anger coming from Austin made the room seem tiny. “My fucking mom?”

Within seconds, Austin punched Ledger square in the jaw, making him stumble back onto the couch.

“Austin!” I shrieked from where I stood. I ran over to him, pulling him away from Ledger.

“Fuck. That was a good one.” Ledger groaned, and his hand came up to nurse his jaw.

“Seriously, Mom?” Austin shook me off him and stared at me.

I had worked my entire life not to disappoint him. Everything I did was for my son, but at this moment, I felt it was all a waste. I was a failure. I should’ve stuck with the plan from the start. I should’ve stayed in my own lane. I didn’t deserve happiness. My mother was right. I should never have put myself and my needs first. I was a selfish bitch, and maybe like my mother said, I was nothing but a whore.

“I’m so sorry.” Tears fell, and it was as if I was seventeen and trapped again. There was no escaping, even if I wanted to sink into the earth and run away.

“Fuck you both,” Austin spat as he looked down at Ledger who was still on the couch. “It’s my career at risk here, so if I say anything, I’m the one who gets screwed over.”

“Austin, wait,” I shouted.

He spun around. “You lied to me. You never lie to me, Mom.”

My heart cleaved into two, ripping open. I had so much to say and wanted so badly to tell him to stop.

Please don’t go out the door.

The words never came. I was unable to form a sentence or beg him not to go. I stood there as my son, the person I existed for, walked out the door.

He took one look back at us before he left. Anger replaced the sadness that pulsed through my veins as I slowly looked back at Ledger. His mouth was wide open as if he was about to say something.

“Leave.” My voice was harsh, demanding, and cold. It wasn’t entirely Ledger’s fault, but it was hard not to place some of the blame on him—or on myself.

I could see his chest rise as he grabbed the edge of the couch. The way his eyes closed as he stood as if he was in pain. “Auburn, please. This is neither of our fa?—”

“No.” I shook my head. “That’s where you’re all wrong, Ledger. It’s my fault. Everything is always my fault. I never should have allowed myself to fall for you. We should never have been so selfish as to get involved when you were still on the Ravens. This was wrong. You know it was wrong.”

“If it’s so wrong, then why does it make us feel so good?” Ledger’s voice was soft, and his words pierced the last pieces of my soul that he held.

“It doesn’t feel good to me right now. Nothing feels right. I need you to leave. I need you to leave and not come back.”

“I can fix this. I can leave the team?—”

I burst into a maniacal laugh. “Fix this?” I shouted. “There’s no fixing anything. We’re done, Ledger. We never should’ve started.”

I turned around and could feel him behind me. He grabbed my shoulder, but I whipped around to face him and stepped away. “Don’t say another word. This was a horrible fucking idea. I’m done.”

“No, Auburn. There isn’t… There has to be…I-I.” I pressed against his chest, trying to push him backward so he’d leave the apartment. I was tired of how he took up the space.

“Leave.” I was shouting at him as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. “Please. Don’t make me beg.”

“We—”

“There is no we. Leave.” I pushed harder and knew he was letting me as he took a few steps backward away from me.

“Let me help you.”

“I don’t need your help anymore. You’ve done enough.” As I reached for the door, my hand trembled over the knob. Our eyes met briefly, then I seized the handle and slammed the door shut in his face, cutting him off.

As I turned back into the silence of my apartment, a profound emptiness settled in my chest. The air hung heavy with unspoken words, the tension a palpable presence in the room. Collapsing to the floor, I pressed my back against the cold wood of the door, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees. My still-disheveled sweatshirt served as a cruel reminder of his sudden departure.

Though he was gone, his essence lingered, haunting every corner of the room. Each piece of furniture seemed to bear the weight of his touch, his presence in the air I breathed. Tears streamed down my cheeks unabated, leaving trails of sorrow in their wake. Exhaustion weighed heavily upon me, a burden of regret and self-loathing.

I curled into a ball, falling onto the floor, letting the tears pool beside me, consumed by a sense of desolation. I had shattered everything, just as my mother had told me I would all those years ago. “Worthless,” I whispered, my voice lost in the stillness of the room. With heavy eyes, I surrendered to the overwhelming tide of despair, allowing sleep to claim me, if only to escape the crushing weight of my own failures.