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auburn

Ledger was right—I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted was to go back to Austin’s room, tuck him in like a toddler, and convince him not to go out. I just wanted to go to bed.

Despite Ledger annoyingly trailing me, I sighed in relief when I finally saw my room—409. Part of me wondered if I should turn around and say something to him again, but all I could think about was what he’d said on the plane. His refusal to acknowledge the tension between us stole that moment from me, and it hurt.

Even though I knew deep down that he was right, I was too stubborn and hurt to admit it. Instead, I stewed in my own thoughts, grappling with the tangled mess of emotions swirling within me.

I decided it was best not to say anything to him and opened the door, then slammed it behind me, not bothering to see how much farther down the hall his room was from mine.

After dropping my bags, I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, knowing I was running on borrowed time. Despite my exhaustion, I had to make sure Austin was okay. That was my sole reason for being here. I needed to prove to everyone else that I was still a good mother despite the trouble Austin had gotten into, and that meant making sure he stayed in his room. It would be harder since they put us on different floors, but there was no one else on the fourth floor, besides Ledger, for him to switch with. Coach told me it wasn’t worth bothering him about because it was part of his superstition. If the hotel had at least four floors, he was always on the fourth floor.

I stripped off my clothes and jumped into the shower, eager to wash away the plane germs. Closing my eyes briefly, I reminded myself not to linger—too long, and the inner demons would creep back in. Exhausted and alone, fighting them felt like an uphill battle.

* * *

“The guys brought a pizza before they went out if you want a slice.” Austin was draped across his bed, and the smell made me realize I hadn’t eaten in a while.

“Thanks, baby.” I grabbed a slice and a paper plate before plopping down on the bed next to him. “What’re you watching?”

“A basketball game.” Austin turned toward me, and his blond curls were extra floppy. “Do you want to change it?”

I sighed, shaking my head. “No. It’s whatever you want.”

Austin put his pizza on the small side table before looking at me. “Mom. You look exhausted.”

I wanted to yell and ask what it was about me that made everyone tell me that, but instead, I took a deep breath in. “I am.”

He reached over and grabbed my hand. “You should go to bed, Mom.”

I shook my head and lifted my pizza. “Hungry.”

He gave me a cheeky grin. “Okay, but after the pizza, you should go to bed.”

I couldn’t. I had to wait for him to be in bed so I could sneak out, or truthfully, maybe I’d pass out here. “It’s okay. I like the”—I looked up at the screen—“baseball game.”

Austin laughed hysterically. “Mom. It’s basketball.”

“Tomayto, tomatoh.”

“It’s literally not. They’re two very different sports.” I took another slice, not wanting to push the subject and pretended to be very engrossed in the game.

“Mom. Please. I want to show you that I learned my lesson. Please go to bed.”

There was something so genuine in his tone. There were traces of his biological father in him—he didn’t know it, but I did. When I saw his nose and those strong facial features, I saw his father. The memory of that night would briefly flash in my mind, and it was hard to shake off.

Austin was so different from his father. His tenacity and strength to grow from growing up with a mom who worked all the fucking time was so incredibly inspirational. “Are you sure?”

I wanted him to show me he was trustworthy. “I swear. I have pizza here. I shared my location with you so you’ll know I’m hitting the hay. Cole offered to get on the ice early.”

I smiled, thinking of Ledger helping Austin. It was sweet, but Austin could never know what happened between us. Ledger was his mentor, and it needed to stay that way.

“Okay, baby. I think I’ll take you up on your offer and head upstairs, then.”

I quickly kissed Austin on his cheek before returning to my room. I took one glance at my beautiful son, and sadness overwhelmed me. We never should have been put through the life we had. I should have been better for him. I carried such a weight of responsibility on my shoulders, and it was hard to shake it off.

There was only one moment where that weight had been lifted, and it was in the arms of the man I could never be with—Ledger Cole.