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auburn

By the time I got to Austin’s door, I’d had plenty of time to stew, my anger at boiling point at his stupidity.

My hands shook as I pressed the key into the lock and turned the handle. “Austin Hart!” I bellowed into the quiet apartment.

Ledger’s apartment had a warmth that this one lacked. Despite the posters and rented furniture, it felt sterile, missing that welcome-home energy.

“Mom?” Austin called from the loft, his footsteps soft as he came down.

“Get your ass to the living room.”

After tossing my purse onto the island, I settled onto the couch. I struggled to maintain my composure, so I knew pacing again would further enrage me.

The only light was the small lamp in the corner of the room, aside from the twinkling city lights. Austin’s silhouette moved down the steps, then he stood at the front of the room with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Mom—”

I held up a hand to stop him. “I am so incredibly disappointed, Austin.” I clenched my fists but kept them at my side. “Sit.”

His head dropped as he shuffled toward the couch and sat across from me. I needed to keep reminding myself to take deep breaths.

“What happened?” I asked in the calmest voice I could muster.

“I was supposed to meet you for dinner…” He gave me big puppy-dog eyes, and I just shook my head. “I met some of the guys for a drink and used my fake at the bar. The bouncer found it and cut it up.”

“Then they called the cops?” I asked.

“Well, I think they recognized one of the guys from the team and maybe saw it as an opportunity.”

“Fuck, Austin. We aren’t in a small town anymore, and you’re a celebrity in this town. I know you’re young, but you have to get this through your thick skull.”

“I fucked up.”

“There can’t be any more bars.” It was taking everything in me not to pace. “Seriously.”

“I understand, Mom. Coach told me I fucked up.” Resting my face in my hands, I inhaled deeply.

“What did your coach have to say about this?”

“He’s coming to talk to us,” he said before rising from the couch and settling beside me.

“I don’t want you to repeat the same mistakes again.”

Austin had gotten in trouble in high school, and I’d felt him going down the same path then, so this made it all too familiar for me. “Me neither,” he whispered.

His head dropped to the crook of my neck.

“Do you hate me, Mom?” he asked, his voice laced with uncertainty and vulnerability.

My gaze shot up to meet his, a surge of emotions threatening to spill over. This conversation mirrored countless ones I’d had with my own narcissistic mother—a dynamic I was determined not to replicate with my son. I wanted to be better, to provide the emotional support I’d yearned for growing up. I never wanted Austin to doubt my love for him; a mother’s love should be unwavering, regardless of the circumstances.

“Of course not,” I choked out as Austin enveloped me in a tight hug.

As he pulled away, his gaze fell to my shirt. “Is this what you wore to work?” he asked, his concern evident.

Glancing at the shirt, I was momentarily overwhelmed by a familiar scent that stirred memories of Ledger but quickly pushed the thought aside.

“No, I was in my…pajamas before I rushed over here,” I replied, attempting to brush off his observation.

A knock on the door interrupted our exchange, prompting Austin to spring to his feet with nervous energy.

“It has to be Coach,” he exclaimed, pacing. The movement was definitely genetic.

“I’ll get it,” I reassured him with a soft smile, making my way toward the front door.

* * *

“I know it’s unconventional, but I think I have a plan for us to move forward,” Coach said from the couch.

I was getting us all some coffee from the kitchen, but I was still visible since it was an open plan. I flipped on the light so it didn’t look so ominous.

Handing the coffee to Coach, I settled back into a chair across from him and Austin.

“Yeah?” I asked, trying to figure out how much a lawyer would charge us if they demanded Austin leave his contract.

“It will require something of you, though, Mrs. Hart.”

“Ms. Hart.”

Austin’s big, blue eyes bore into mine, and I shrugged, giving him a half apology before turning my attention back to Coach.

“What do you need me to do? I’ll do anything.”

Coach’s lips curled into a smile. “That’s what I was hoping for.”

I wanted to pace around the room but resisted, opting to remain seated. “I can monitor Austin when he’s at home,” he said. “Plenty of guys in the building can take turns ensuring he’s following our rules.”

“What rules?” Austin interrupted, and although I wanted to tell him to stay quiet and agree to whatever Coach said, I had to let him seek clarification if he needed it.

“You are no longer allowed to go to bars, especially with that fake,” Coach stated.

Austin shrugged. “They cut it, so I don’t even have it,” he retorted, and I wanted to scold him for his attitude.

“Austin,” I cautioned, and he lowered his head.

“After practice, you’re required to come straight home, especially on game nights,” Coach announced.

“No celebrating with the team?” Austin asked.

“No,” I said before Coach could say a word.

“The issue I’m facing,” Coach explained, “is that I can’t disrupt the other players’ pregame routines when we’re away for games. They get…obsessive about them.”

“I wear the same socks every game. I get it,” Austin chimed in, and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

It was an odd tradition, one that originated from an instructor who taught him how to skate before every figure skating performance. She passed it down to Austin when he was a toddler learning to skate, and he adopted it as part of his pregame routine.

“But I need my boys focused and ready for the game,” Coach continued.

“Of course, I understand.” I nodded, still not grasping the extent of what he was implying. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to process his words.

“So I know it’s a big ask, Ms. Hart, but I need you to accompany us on each away game.”

I spewed hot liquid all over Austin’s rented white rug. “I’m sorry. What exactly do you need me to do?”

There was no way I could keep a job and travel for all of Austin’s away games. I couldn’t afford the hotels and plane tickets…

“We can find someone else to do that. We can hire someone. My mom doesn’t need to be there, Coach.”

Austin stood, but I remained rooted to my chair. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts as I struggled to comprehend the logistics.

“Ms. Hart?” Coach interrupted Austin, who was pacing around the room.

I redirected my focus to Coach’s words.

“I just…” I glanced at Austin, who was gazing back at me. “Is there another option?”

My voice came out quiet and hesitant, as if I were back in high school facing punishment in the principal’s office.

“No,” Coach said. “I’m sorry, but there isn’t.”

I sighed, looking at my son, recalling all the sacrifices I’d made to get us to this point. If I didn’t continue to sacrifice for him, what would it cost him? Earlier, I had indulged in a few hours of selfish freedom, and it was liberating, but that wasn’t my reality. My reality was staring me in the face. I would always be Austin’s mom first, and Auburn second. That was the way I wanted it, needed it to be. I couldn’t bear to become like my mother, selfish and putting her needs above her children’s.

“How will I get around? I’ll need the schedule for work,” I asked, hoping I could arrange time off from the cafe in advance and still maintain my job while being available for Austin’s games.

“We will have you travel with the team on the jet, Ms. Hart. Upper management has already agreed that this is the best course of action for Austin since he’s young, and our captain has approved your travel as well.”

“Okay. Okay,” I repeated as I closed my eyes, wrapping my mind around this.

“Our captain, Cole, requested that you bring your mom to family day tomorrow morning so that the team can get to know her before we go to our first away game in a couple of weeks.”

I rose eagerly. “Yes,” I exclaimed, prompting both Coach and Austin to turn toward me.

“Sorry,” I added, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “I mean, I can absolutely do that.”

With a day off from work, I welcomed the opportunity to get to know more of Austin’s teammates. Perhaps I could strike up friendships with some of the wives.

Austin slumped back onto the couch, letting out a groan. “Ugh, you’re my mom, and I don’t want you there interacting with the wives and girlfriends of the team.”

Austin’s tone was laced with irritation as he sank deeper into the couch cushions.

A pang of disappointment coursed through me at his dismissive attitude. “Come on, Austin,” I said, trying to keep my tone light despite the tension in the room. “It’s not like I’m going to be crashing your party. I’ll just be there to meet some of your teammates.”

He rolled his eyes, his frustration palpable. “Yeah, because having my mom chaperone me is every hockey player’s dream,” he retorted.

I let out a small laugh at his dramatics. “Hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll score some cool points for having a cool mom,” I teased, nudging him with my elbow.

Coach interjected with a calm but firm tone. “She’s coming, meeting the team,” he declared, his voice leaving no room for argument. “You’ve proven to me and the rest of the team that you need help.”

I hated that his coach was right. It was preseason, and Austin was already in trouble. I tried everything to give him all that he needed, but there were times when I was working double shifts that I should have checked in more. I wished I could’ve given Austin two parents who could help guide him, but his biological father was never in the cards.

Austin groaned in protest, but Coach’s decision seemed final.

“I get it, Austin,” I said, trying to ease the tension. “But it’s not like I’ll hover over you the whole time during the away games. I’ll give you space to hang out with your teammates and just be there if you need anything.”

Austin grumbled something unintelligible under his breath, slowly resigning himself to the situation.

Turning to Coach, I offered a grateful smile. “Thanks, Coach. I appreciate you looking out for Austin and making sure he stays out of trouble.”

Coach nodded, his expression softening as he shook my hand. “I did it for the team,” he whispered so only I could hear. As our hands parted, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of apprehension mingled with gratitude.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ms. Hart. Family day starts at eleven, right after practice.”

I nodded a few times as I ushered him to the door. “Thank you,” I repeated. “I know he wasn’t your first choice.”

When Austin was recruited, the Ravens’ coach was apprehensive about such a young player on the team with what was already in some news articles about him drinking and partying.

As I held the door open, Coach paused before leaving. “I think you’ll help us out. I know it’s a big ask for you.”

I shook my head, stopping him. “It’s no problem.”

Coach stopped as he almost got to the elevator bank and turned back around. I was giving him a courteous smile when the corners of his lips curled into a smile. “That shirt looks so familiar…”

I looked, and my cheeks flooded with immediate shame and embarrassment.

He gave me a last nod before pressing the button up to the elevator. I closed my eyes before shutting the door behind me. This wasn’t happening.

I rested my back against the door, then went back over to where Austin was passed out on the couch.

My sweet baby. I grabbed the nearest blanket and draped it over him before grabbing my keys to head to my car. As I drove home, thoughts of Ledger swirled in my mind. Despite the chaos of the evening, his presence lingered, leaving me longing.

Arriving home, I slipped out of my car and made my way to the front door. As I stepped inside, the silence of the house greeted me, amplifying the whirlwind of emotions within me.

With a sigh, I tiptoed past the mess from earlier, the moonlight casting shadows across the floor and the underwear I’d tossed around this morning. I could imagine Emma’s face when I told her about this day—she’d probably think I’d been abducted by aliens because everything about this evening was so out of the ordinary.

I settled onto the bed, staring at the ceiling, and the last face I thought of before I let sleep take me was Ledger’s. His beautiful, bearded face and the way he moaned as I took him deeply in my mouth. It was so erotic.